The kids are always telling me I should go on Millionaire, especially when I ace another £32,000 question before the answers come up, but i tell them it's not that easy (when in truth i'm just too tight to enter given the chances of successfully getting on the Tarrant show).

However, when I saw the advert for a new show, i decided that it was time to give it a bash, and filled in the application form.

A few weeks ago I got a call telling me that i sounded like 'just the sort of person' they were looking for, which i don't know whether to take as a complement or not. But anway, i was to go to an audition for 1 vs 100 in Manchester last Friday.

There were about 100 of us waiting in the bar to be called down, and the first thing that struck me was how many people seemed to know each other. There seems to be some kind of quiz show application circuit and these are like social afternoons. It later transpired that many of those there were former contestants on Deal or No Deal - one of them (Mally) won £54k! Surely they'd give someone else a chance now?

I'd only been to one of these auditions once before, when i applied for the Weakest Link many years ago. I had been surprised that day by the first thing they asked us to do..."mime an animal, but you're not allowed to be an elephant". I, being the smart arse, decided to be a Meer Cat. As I pranced around on the carpet, everyone else was guessed in seconds. I was on my own, pretending to be on hind legs for about 5 minutes and imagine that i was ruled out there and then ("bloody Meer Cat?- he's a troublemaker".) I didn't help myself either by getting most questions right in the quick run through we had, and then drying up during a minute to camera.

Later that year i saw a girl from the same audition on the show. She hadn't answered well, had been a common animal, but could talk for England and had pink hair. Now I knew what these TV execs were looking for!

So we were all dragged downstairs where first we registered and had our photo taken. For some, it was the first chance to shine. One bloke, (let's call him annoying git) relatively calm and unnoticed upstairs, jumped in front of the register taker telling her "i'm here" before proceeding onto gurning whilst being snapped.

After we took our seats we had to fill in another personal information form (presumably to check we weren't liars) but which also included a space for you to put two referrees. WTF? I've put people down for a job reference, but when TV companies are asking for them for a quiz show, aren't we taking this a bit too far? What are they going to do - call my mother in law and ask if I'm a wacky guy, forever playing Mallett's Mallett over After Eights?

Anyway, after filling that in we had two quizzes of 50 questions, one mutiple choice, the other, erm, not. After my previous experience i had vowed to get a few wrong deliberately so i didn't score above average, and i did, but it was tough. I love a good quiz, and writing down the wrong answer on purpose seemed unprincipled and felt alien. And anyway, it turned out to be unecessary, as i didn't score that well, a mere 35 from 50 on the multiple choice (the bloke opposite to me got 36). So i resolved not to do it in the write down, and picked up 33 from 50 (next to me got 18 - have I scored too much??).

As an aside, annoying git kept chipping in with 'witty' comments throughout to ensure attention was drawn to him, the annoying git.

This all took about an hour and a half, and then 3 of our 4 hosts went upstair to set up cameras for everyone to do a one minute piece about themselves, their parting shot being 'please stay in your seats and Olly [who was aged about 12 i think] will send you up in tens.'

Of course when they left the throng congregated around the door begging to be picked to go up, whilst Olly chatted up young girls he found attractive. Annoying git, natch, was right at the forefront of the crush, and indeed was up there early. I looked on bemused, along with Richie a cool scouser i had met in the bar earlier. It soon became apparent that this was going to take some time, so we settled down for a chat (and were heartened that the DOND crew had taken the same tactic, and they knew what to do). After a while we got daring and ventured to the bar, proudly being the only ones fetching in a couple of bottles of Stella. If your going to stand out from the crowd, THAT'S what you need to be noticed for...not pratting about making stupid faces! Some people must have stood at the door for over an hour and I'm delighted that i spent it on my arse, talking nonsense with a lager in hand.

Having sat there patiently for a couple of hours, and with only ten of us left in the room I was ready for my piece, tongue nicely loosened by the beer. Then my phone rang. It turns out Haggis, youngest had a high temperature and was feeling poorly and would not be able to attend the BBQ that she and her sister were attending with Haggis, Mrs. I might have to come home. Family comes first I explained to Mrs H, and if i have to come back, i have to come back, whether I've been done or not. Of course, at the back of my mind i wanted to hang on having waited this long, and I'm sure Mrs H sensed this, given that my night out i was planning was also kyboshed. She would ring her mother, and let me know.

So, upstairs we went, and out they came to ask me in...and the phone rang. If it ruins your chances by taking a call, then I'm out, because I had to, didn't I? Anyway, the m-i-l was able to help, so i was in next.

The piece to camera was fairly straight forward. I'm not a natural talker about myself but the Stella helped and I was lucid for the required 60 second, although VERY aware that i was nervously drumming my seat throughout, but unable to stop! Now we just wait. If I haven't heard in a month, i'm not on. But i'll tell you this, if I see Annoying Git on the show, and i don't get on, I'll never apply for anything else again. If that's the type of personality they are after, you can count me out. Watch this space