Everybody has him on their minds - everybody knew they would - its been a strange couple of months - Things like this can lay you bare / expose you if you are brave enough? You let it happen and hopefully get through it - I am not depressed and I am surprised at that but I also know that any time that old devil can sneak up on you and this is the time it tends to happen.

Instead of getting him (Joel) a £20 in a xmas card as it would have been if he hadnt been taken from us - Instead im getting a picture plaque (of him) and im going up to where it happend and im going to glue it on a post and im going to put a daffodil bulb in the ground for him - I need somewhere to go - a physical place and maybe the spot where it happened isnt the best place/but maybe it is? but its the closest place to me - I know we could plant something in our garden and make a place to visit there but im not sure I want to be in this house forever and then it would be hard to know that it would not be anymore. So thats my plan if I get it in time before Christmas - its funny what with cremations and such there is sometimes no particular spot to go and im not sure if that is a good thing? - I remember going in my own good time to my Uncles grave when I was a young teenager and just sitting down there with him and I did feel connected. I want somewhere for Trudi and also Jack and his other siblings to be able to go - I know they are working on something but I cant wait too long myself I need somewhere now. Im impatient me. I have a present for his girlfriend who I dont really know that well - I just wanted to get her something from Joel sort of thing on his behalf.

I always remember a Christmas decoration of my mums - one said "Joy" and one said "Noel" and they came apart and so we made "Joel" and it just came to my mind.Joel loved to read infact he remind me of my Brother in that respect - it is not one of my passions - I confess - I wish I liked books but for some reason or another they dont hold my attention. I do not read many non fiction books I perfer biographies - dont know why that is.. anyway I remember on that night seeing the book laid out that he was in the middle of "Hamlet" of all things! I have it on my ds so Im giving it ago - and im enjoying it - so thanks Joel!

I really want to help my sister but I dont know how. I know she has a lot on her plate and with this happening has probably opened a can of worms - I really hope things do get better for her - things will never be the same again but I keep thinking things / relationships should only grow stronger from this - family despite all our flaws / differing personalities we have genes in common, memories and the family that we share our own little kingdoms that need to be expanded and not drawn in to our tiny 4 walls . To find people strengths / weaknesses and build upon try and make things stronger ready for the next one because as we know there always will be a next one (in the family) its just usually someone older but no time is ever a good time to lose someone special so we need to be strong - thats all I keep thinking about -

Im still trying to gather everybody up and shed a bit of light - but it can be messy and it can be daunting - I feel better for explaining to Daryl about my guilt about not seeing them as much at home over the last few years - but of course they were becoming men - with their own groups of friends and of course they always had each other too - I just wanted him to know we are always here for him now 24/7 if he needs us - it was so nice to meet his friends - it made my Birthday having them come and stay over.

Anyway a note about the "inner" kingdom - ( us 3 plus cat ) - Trudi is doing so well with the Diabetes - she sometimes surprises me in such a good way - I couldnt be more proud! Darren has been fantastic too with all this - I know how much this last few months has shaken his world. Like I say I am quietly proud of myself - I know Im doing quite well (for me) so I am giving myself a pat on the back but I think Joel has a part in all this and I feel there is definately a part of him with me now that has changed me a little bit and I hope forever.

Youre Gorgeous Joel - inside and out man ! Youll be forever Young ..... forever with us x.

Whos to reason with the Why - we just have to get on with the Now

Shuang and family are coming to visit so I hope that goes well - im sure it will and then we can get Christmas out of the way lol and see what 2011 has in store for our little kingdom and country too ! ( just to say sorry for any sp mistakes the spell check has gone and walked where has it gone?)