MNE - Glastonbury 2007 headliners take shape
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A reflection on a famous music paper's take on next years Glasto .....
Glastonbury 2007 headliners take shape
(MNE, 10 August 2006, London) :
MNE.com has learned that in a dramatic and groundbreaking change of direction to the traditional mix of contemporary and revered music acts that typically play the Glastonbury festival, the 2007 headliners will take more of an mystical direction. Whilst it was widely expected that Kylie Minogue and the Who would be the big names playing the sacred fields of Avalon next year, Eavis, 82, has intimated that he wishes the festival to evolve; we can reveal that line-up will be the festivals most eclectic yet in it's twelve year history.
In an exclusive interview with Eavis, we were able to confirm that the headliners that our detailed investigation has uncovered. Eavis himself was originally bemused at our suggestions, but finally succumbed after we went into the irrefutable evidence that we had collected over the last few weeks.
Our investigations started with Eavis' well-publicised statement of a few weeks ago that he would be looking to book "A glam icon, four independent kings and a legend of rock n' roll". Clearly that would leave the field wide open for a number of different acts, so being the dedicated, impartial and credible journalists we are here at MNE, we narrowed down the field through rational and logical elimination.
The pattern of the birds flying over MNE towers last Wednesday, in conjunction with a reading of fish entrails from the left-overs of the editor's cod and chip supper allow us to reveal that the four Kings of Indie are in fact the super group the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' . Although the band themselves are all identifiable as individuals - War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death – the group have yet to play live as a unit, despite having been first mooted to play as far back as the book of Revelation, in the New Testament.
Eavis concurred. "It's a major coup for us. They aren't meant to be playing until the resurrection and subsequent judgment of the dead, and in fact they had some difficulties in getting out of the contract, which stated they couldn't play anywhere until that time. But they did feel that they would be a bit cold without some kind of warm up gig. They've essentially been waiting to perform as a group since the dawn of time. Bloody record executives and their contracts" he joked.
One thing is certain, the band - who had it been thought would be more of a Carling Week-end type outfit - will go down a storm on the Pyramid on the Friday night ; and will in fact be the first of a number of especially selected performances with this spiritual twist. The second, as confirmed by swilling around the tea-leaves at the bottom of the editor's special mushroom tea pot on Monday, will be the ultimate Glam Icon : Jesus of Nazareth , or as he sometimes is known by his stage name, The Christ . Again, Eavis warms to the subject.
"He's played here before, apparently, which I never knew until they mentioned it in that Julien Temple film. It was apparently about 2000 years ago, but that was before he made it big. Since then, he's down really well for himself. Massive fan base. It's going to be a huge performance, it'll be the greatest come-back since Lazarus. I've not spoken with him, but his advisors tell me he'll be putting on his famous big production, so we can expect loaves and fishes for all, and of course plenty of water into wine. He's says that if it's wet, and he can find a good sized puddle, he'll do the whole walking on water bit too. I'm really excited about it. It's the first show of his 'Second Coming' tour."
The third headliner, as defined from the strange pattern that were left after the editor took a particularly large line of the old marching powder on Saturday night, will be Prince. When I mentioned this to Eavis, a big smile appeared on that famous face. "You say that every year, really you do. That's just lazy journalism". But before he could continue we told him that we knew the rock n' roll legend would be in fact the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer . He was in shock. "How did you know that? That was meant to be a huge surprise for everyone. Only I and the great dark Lord know about it". At this point, Eavis, visibly shaken and pale, began to speak in tongues. "Youf**kingdozyidiotz", which we can only assume was an ancient Sanskrit language, with a slight west country lilt, "youhaven'tgotaf**kincluehaveyou". At that point, he told us to leave.
Immediate reaction amongst festivalgoers were mixed when we polled a small section of our readership. Responses ranged from "You idiots" to "You'll believe anything" to "You've made that up, haven't you" and "You are taking the piss". It appears Eavis may have to re-think his strategy on this strange group of performers, even some of the died-in-the-wool festival goers, who rarely wander out of the Green Fields, seemed to think the week-end might be a bit of a wash out. "If it is, as it appears, to be the end of the world, I can't think of a better place to be", said one "I just hope the impending destruction of everything as we know it doesn't put a downer on the week-end”. Another asked if they would be showing the football.
You can read more lies and outrageous claims in next week's MNE.
Disclaimer : Micahel Eavis hasn't really booked the four horsemen, the Christ and the devil to play. And he's not 82, nor does he speaks in tongues. Well, he might do, but I doubt it. He seems much to nice a man to get involved in that kind of thing.
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