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Spurious News, a finger on-the-pulse cultural news show with a number of news segments that focus on popular culture items, ranging from film and music to more conventional arts programming.

Presenter: Hello and welcome to Spurious News, your weekly taste of what’s up and coming in the world of entertainment and arts. This week we will be looking at what we can expect from next years festival season. In film, we’ll be taking a look at the upcoming launch of a reworking of an old family favourite and a chat with a generic rock star about his creative process. But first, we’ll be let’s have a round-up of this weeks entertainment news.

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Presenter: The last week has seen an unprecedented number of American musicians cancelling tours to the UK and Europe. One such band are American heavy metal sensations Steel Floozie, who announced the cancellation of their UK tour citing concerns about their welfare:

Spokesman : Lead singer Ripper Machismo has felt that with the recent political troubles hitting hard, the band will not be able to complete their commitments to touring the UK. < background of grumbling and mumbling from journalists, accompanied by cameras clicking and whirring > Yes, I know that this is the third time that the band have cancelled, but there security is paramount in the eyes of their record label and they won’t be forced into a potentially dangerous situation. < more mumbling and grumbling I the background > Okay, I’ll level with you. Ripper’s mother has put her foot down. She’s a pretty formidabl …… < sounds of microphone being snatched away from spokesman>

Ripper’s mother : <American accent> Listen up! I’m Ripper’s mom, and I tell you, he grounded and he grounded until he changed the damn last album. I want all those rude words cut. And I want him to come up with a new picture for the front, that was a bad bad picture. I don’t want him going running off to your Yooonited Kiiingdooom neither. I’m not happy about the local bands over there. They play too rough and last time he was over there, he grazed his knee and I had to patch up his leather trousers maself.

Presenter : Those amazing scenes sparked a war words across the channel from the mothers of British based bands. Mrs Jenkins, mother of Citizen Bloodlust’s drummer “Mad Dog Blaze” Jenkins, called a press conference in the front room of her two-up two-down leafy suburban home in Surrey :

Mrs Jenkins : <prim / poper> “I can’t understand the attitude of Mrs Machismo at all. To say that my little Geoffrey, <mutterings of press corp > <mature male voice heard shouting “but Muuuum”>, yes that’s right Geoffrey would play rough is just not in his character. He’s been brought up to behave properly. I can only think that this Ripper Machismo is telling lies about what he’s been up to and blaming it on my boy. I know Geoffrey <mature male voice heard saying “Muuum, it’s Mad Dog Blaze”> had that bad time, but he doesn’t even need the nappies anymore.

Presenter : Other rock stars mothers have added more fuel to the fire, with the mother of Welsh punk outfit Violent Head banger’s guitarist Watkins Glenn being deported back to the UK having < presenter coughs and is heard to be shuffling paper> reportedly – and it says here - nutted guitar legend Dougie Rev’s auntie whilst holidaying in DisneyLand. We’ll bring you updates on this amazing story as they happen ….

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Presenter : Reality Show producers Rearendermol have come under fire this week for their latest plans for a twist on the tired reality show format. Following on from the success of “I’m paranoid schizophrenic, get us out of here”, they’ve reportedly been speaking with various mental institutions around the country and further a field with the proposal of using some of the institutions facilities to house a collection of talentless celebrity wannabes for a period of twelve weeks. The shows format will involve administering electro-shock therapy for the contestant voted as the week’s less popular, slowly moving up through being locked in for hours on end in a padded cell before finally having the winner committed to the institution on a full time basis. In defending the show, a spokesman said “Several of our previous winners have ended up in mental institutes of one kind or another – be that conventional secured institutions such or less conventional, such as day-time chat show circuit. This simply cuts out the middle man”.

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Presenter : And now, an in-depth look at the music Festival scene with our special report …

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Presenter 2 : <Excited, irritable> Hey hey hey, we’ve got a scoop for you this week. Not only will be talking to Martin Beavis, owner and founder of the Bilton Festival of Contemporary Arts, I can exclusively reveal the headliners for his world-renown festival next year! Yes, in a dramatic and groundbreaking change of direction to the traditional mix of contemporary and revered music acts that typically play the festival, the 2007 headliners will take more of a mystical direction. Whilst it was widely expected that Kylie Minogue and the Who would be the big names playing those sacred fields, Beavis has intimated that he wishes the festival to evolve; we can reveal that line-up will be the festivals most eclectic yet in it's twelve year history. Welcome Martin.

Martin Beavis (MB) (West country accent) : Hello.

Presenter 2 (P2) : Well, it’s great to have you hear. Now, we’ve been investigating and checking things out, and looking at some of your recent comments about the line up and have come up with the list of headliners.

MB : Well, that’s very … erm … interesting. I did say to the press a few weeks ago that I was looking to book a glam icon, four independent kings and a legend of rock n' roll …

P2 : <interrupting> Well, we’ve looked at that statement, and clearly that would the field wide open for a number of different acts. So being the dedicated, impartial and credible journalists that we narrowed the field through rational and logical elimination

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Crone : Hello my pretties, come to consult the BBC witches’ cavern have yee? I know what you want … “ <more cackling> “You all want it, you want to see the future … well, what have you brought me ….. a fish … yes, I can use the entrails of this for you ….” <out of character> “although you might have not eaten half of it, and cleared the chips away from the wrapping” <back in character> “I foresee a giant pyramid and four kings …. a super group if you like ….”

P2 : And that’s how we ascertained that the four kings are in fact the super group the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' . Although the band themselves are all identifiable as individuals - War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death – the group have yet to play live as a unit, despite having been first mooted to play as far back as the book of Revelation, in the New Testament.

MB : <aside softly as if to some-one else in interview room> “this guy’s a flipping nutter …. Keep going? Okay” <coughs> “Er, that’s right. It's a major coup for us. They aren't meant to be playing until the resurrection and subsequent judgment of the dead, and in fact they had some difficulties in getting out of the contract, which stated they couldn't play anywhere until that time. But they did feel that they would be a bit cold without some kind of warm up gig. They've essentially been waiting to perform as a group since the dawn of time. Bloody record executives and their contracts”

P2 : “One thing is certain, the band - who had it been thought would be more of a Carling Week-end type outfit - will go down a storm on the Pyramid on the Friday night ; and will in fact be the first of a number of especially selected performances with this spiritual twist”

MB : “Whatever you say”

< cut back to old style witches coven>

Crone : “Back again my pretty? What have you brought me this time? A tea-pot?” <Smelling noise> “What kind of tea did this have in it? Anyway from the leaves I see a glorious bright light, it can’t be … it can’t be … surely?”

P2 : And that’s how we ascertained that the second act will be the ultimate Glam Icon Jesus of Nazareth , or as he sometimes is known by his stage name, The Christ.

MB : <aside softly as if to some-one else in interview room> “I’m not happy doing this …. Keep going, you sure?” <Normal> “He's played here before, apparently, which I never knew until they mentioned it in that recent film documentary. It was apparently about 2000 years ago, but that was before he made it big. Since then, he's down really well for himself. Massive fan base. It's going to be a huge performance, it'll be the greatest come-back since Lazarus. I've not spoken with him, but his advisors tell me he'll be putting on his famous big production, so we can expect loaves and fishes for all, and of course plenty of water into wine. He's says that if it's wet, and he can find a good sized puddle, he'll do the whole walking on water bit too. I'm really excited about it. It's the first show of his 'Second Coming' tour”

P2 : “I wonder if he’ll be able to sort out the toilets”

MB : “Well, it would need a miracle”

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Crone : “What have we here? A mirror? With remnants of powder on it? Have you got anymore of the powder? Thanks” <Tapping noise followed, by sniffing noise> “I can see an image in the mirror ; it’s not me, it looks like …. No that’s impossible, anything but that” <sounds of smashing mirror and strange screams>

P2 : And that’s how we know will the final headliner will be Prince …”

MB : <interrupting> Prince? The papers say that every year, you surprise me. That’s just lazy journalism.

P2 : “If you’ll let me finish Martin, the artist is the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer.”

MB : “How did you know that? That was meant to be a huge surprise for everyone. Only I and the great dark Lord know about it” <aside quietly again> “That’s it, I’m getting out of here” <normal> “"Youflippindozyidiot-youhaven'tgotaflippincluehaveyou” <Storms out>

P2 : “What was that? Sanskrit? It wasn’t English? Was he speaking in tongues?. Well, proof if it is needed that our predictions are correct ; and what an eclectic line-up it promises to be. If it is, as it appears, to be the end of the world, I can't think of a better place to be than Bilton festival. I just hope the impending destruction of everything as we know it doesn't put a downer on the week-end”

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Presenter 1 : Er, thanks. And now so more breaking news … it seems that the producers of this show are looking for a new roving reporter after the previous, er, journalist was head-hunted by Rearendemol for their new insanity reality show …. Applications via the web site please.