Self Appointed Music Honcho defines criteria

Reuters, London, November 2006 : In what appears to be one of the greatest dicktat to come out of the modern musical press since Lennon's claim that the Beatles were bigger than God, an e-festival's boarder and a self-appointed head music honcho has amazed the music world by putting down criteria as to why his musical opinion is more valid than others. In an amazing outburst, the user - who shall be referred to here as "Auntie Ian" in order to protect his anonymity - has laid down the criteria by which he can claim that his musical likes and dislikes are more relevant than others.

In what has been for a number of years been widely recognised as an arena of "live and let live", and one very much of personal taste and what floats your boat, Auntie Ian has quantified key metrics to specifically allow provision for identifying whose opinion is more worthwhile.

Although details of the metrics themselves are somewhat sketchy, it would appear that a combination of pure purchasing power, an ability to get time off work and sheer persistence of attendance at music concerts - verging on borderline fanaticism - would allow an individual's taste to be more worthy than another’s. In a thread about Roger Waters, the boarer defended his right to dictate to others what is good music and what isn't by virtue of "more gigs and listen to more music than 90% of the people on this board"

Furthermore, Auntie Ian specified the number of concerts that he would need to be attended (22) before another's opinion - say of a specific droning, monotonous pantomime, whose nasal histrionics embellished some celestial tunes in the same way that a verruca embellishes a foot - would be more valid. Despite more liberal fans of music pointing out that such a league table of musical validity is in itself as risible as the clear egomania of such a fool who would seek to create it, it is thought that Auntie Ian is adopting such an approach to other areas of life.

Sources close to the man seem to indicate a similar approach in other spheres, such as food, alcohol and even sexual preferences. "I've eaten Oysters upwards of forty times in my life," said one individual, "and as such I can say to those who have eaten them only once that they are wrong in their belief they don't like oysters. They clearly haven't eaten them enough to appreciate them. I'd force-feed them oysters once a week until they finally liked them as I myself do"

Despite being called fascistic and despotic, the scheme may also find it's way into the bedrooms of the nation. "I've had sex more times than you," said another Auntie Ian advocate "So, I know what you like". Upon further questioning, it transpired that the individual in question had indeed had sex more times than most other people - although that number decreased to almost none when the episodes that involved only himself were discounted