Hello mister unknown feeling

Entry posted by in5omniac August 6, 2006

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So today was Sunday (for me Sunday is a day which ends at 12pm on an actual Sunday, the space between Sunday and Monday doesn't have an name, but it's a different day, it's my day of rest I suppose) and it began in the second of two usual ways (wake up on Alarm 1: 4am XFM, wake up on Alarm 2: 4.30am Radio1), and some time between 5 and 6, on my way to work I got a funny feeling, though it's becoming a more familiar feeling now, this is by far not the first occurence. It was a feeling of nausea, dizziness, shaking and a cold sweat accompanied by a racing, punding heartbeat. To be honest, it does scare me a bit, but I tend to try and ride it out until I can get something with a lot of sugar in me, that seems to help. But also another feeling has been spectating my thoughts of late, a feeling of uncertainty, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, apathy, insanity and even more that I can't really think of right now. But it's as if it's all one big amalgamation of these feelings, some attempting to reign higher in it's heirarchical structure, others working together as a team, and some just fighting in the attempt to cancel each other out. I am conceeding the fact that my sanity has departed me somewhat over this Summer so far, and my insomnia has been playing it's dirty little tricks in the calm before the 9 hour shifts. I am feeling like I can't handle the lonliness of a practically uninhabited 6 bedroom house with no voice but my own to answer to; and believe me this is all to common these days, I argue with myself something chronic, agree with myself agreeing to something I've said or thought, consulting myself in the making of decisions. But since the break in of my house, naturally, my paranoia and suspicion have increased significantly, but my own awareness of my feelings has become apparent too. I've even accused myself of burgling my house, what if I am a real life Tyler Durden, living alone in a big house, suffering insomnia - which may I add seem most effectively cured by a massive cry, though I find it near impossible to cry and do not wish for any reason to make me cry, as it would most likely involve a major incident involving a loved one; but what if i am two people, only one of them aware of the situation, while the other (me) is discovering this new enemy. I wish for hugs-on-demand, I wish for someone to talk face to face with in the domicile, I wish for a way to unleash every little thing I bottle up. If only it ended mentally, physically I feel like I'm falling apart, my back is aching constantly, as are my shoulders, knees and ankles. I am really not enjoying life at the moment, though I can only hope for things to turn up, which, in time, I'm sure they will.

Sorry if you read all of that, didn't want to make you have to endure that. It just makes you realise just what you are feeling when you put it down in words.

P.S. This week in5omniac thanks: Sophie, Mum, Tom, all the efesters with their sympathies following my burglary, and anyone else who has lent a hand or shared a smile, I really do appreciate it.