singles thread

[feral chile]

There is a massive amount of truth in this. In fact, the socialisation of genders has a lot to answer for in my opinion. Whilst men and women have probably been no more equal than now, certain expectations are placed on how each gender should behave. Everyone was laughing about that couple bringing up their child as having no gender but they have a point, to a certain extent. My only problem with doing such a thing is that ideas about gender are so, so entrenched that it will become too difficult for them to bring their child up in the way they want - which could become confusing.

yes, if you think of traditional gender-specific toys, you've got cars, guns and 'action figures' for boys, and Barbie dolls and home making toys for girls.

Notice boys' dolls are action figures. That just about sums up the gender bias for me.

Boys are seen as the ones who drive around having adventures, while girls stay at home looking after the house.

So you've got male adventure seekers, and female nurturers.

Where are the adventure role models for girls? Not bloody Barbie, that's for sure!

I was lucky growing up, I got to play with cars and action figures. I've always related to men more than women, but it hasn't left me confused about my femininity, though I'm not what our culture could anyway describe as feminine!

Edited September 17, 2011 by feral chile

[Katster]

I love you feral!!!

[Purple Monkey]

Notice boys' dolls are action figures. That just about sums up the gender bias for me.

True, but this isn't exactly good news for guys either if you think about it.

There's a condition which has been coined "Bigorexia" which affects guys in much the same way Anorexia does for a lot of girls. Basically it's the opposite of Anorexia. Guys are fed this idealised body-image, all their action figures all feature ridiculously ripped action heroes - from video games to movies to comic books. As teenagers, most guys are skinny and have a problem with how skinny they are. Skinny kids are picked on by the big kids, and the bigger lads are often linked with popularity and success within the school 'bubble', Generally speaking. So you have a lot of boys with this warped self-image who carry that into adulthood. You can see this in action in every gym right now; guys unhappy with their bodies who attribute success in life to having a powerful good looking body. We are told constantly that girls like "manly men" generally because they are attributed to things like protection and security. There is so much pressure on guys to be the powerful provider that women, so we're told, seem to crave and yet increasingly as the world is becoming more equal, guys are left completely confused. Are we supposed to be powerful, strutting, confident, assertive, wearer-of-the-trousers Alpha-male or are we meant to be sensitive, compromising, emotional and considerate? Being a modern man feels like walking across a field of land mines, blindfolded. Is it any wonder why so many of us get drunk and smash the shit out of each other on a Friday night?

The irony of all this is that because of all this bullshit, all the guys you see with rippling abs and perfect tans are probably fractured and shredded on the inside, they look like they do because they couldn't accept themselves. I have so many friends who work out all the time, not for fitness or because it makes them better at a sport - it's purely to look "hot" and I feel sorry for them because I can probably guess why they feel they have to do this in order to land just one date. If you're not Jason Bourne or James Bond then you're a fucking failure, that's the message we get.

Girls have their own troubles I know, but to assume guys are getting it light with their role models is unfair. You shouldn't envy boys getting action hero role models. I'm deeply disturbed by it; being weened on an entertainment diet of guns, muscles and explosions, and then aspiring to join the army and go die in some pointless conflict as nothing more than cannon fodder or aspiring to a bully role. Male role models in western society are generally terrible and to our detriment.

So many guys are hooked on being big and muscle-bound in exactly the same way girls have issues with getting 'fat'.

We're all manipulated in equal measure from Day 1. They shoot us while we're young and then we limp on wounded and confused until the day we die. None of us have it easy - and those who become aware and understand the forces that have been manipulating them all their life and continue to do so probably have it the worst because they don't even get to be ignorant.

Edited September 18, 2011 by Purple Monkey

[feral chile]

True, but this isn't exactly good news for guys either if you think about it.

There's a condition which has been coined "Bigorexia" which affects guys in much the same way Anorexia does for a lot of girls. Basically it's the opposite of Anorexia. Guys are fed this idealised body-image, all their action figures all feature ridiculously ripped action heroes - from video games to movies to comic books. As teenagers, most guys are skinny and have a problem with how skinny they are. Skinny kids are picked on by the big kids, and the bigger lads are often linked with popularity and success within the school 'bubble', Generally speaking. So you have a lot of boys with this warped self-image who carry that into adulthood. You can see this in action in every gym right now; guys unhappy with their bodies who attribute success in life to having a powerful good looking body. We are told constantly that girls like "manly men" generally because they are attributed to things like protection and security. There is so much pressure on guys to be the powerful provider that women, so we're told, seem to crave and yet increasingly as the world is becoming more equal, guys are left completely confused. Are we supposed to be powerful, strutting, confident, assertive, wearer-of-the-trousers Alpha-male or are we meant to be sensitive, compromising, emotional and considerate? Being a modern man feels like walking across a field of land mines, blindfolded. Is it any wonder why so many of us get drunk and smash the shit out of each other on a Friday night?

The irony of all this is that because of all this bullshit, all the guys you see with rippling abs and perfect tans are probably fractured and shredded on the inside, they look like they do because they couldn't accept themselves. I have so many friends who work out all the time, not for fitness or because it makes them better at a sport - it's purely to look "hot" and I feel sorry for them because I can probably guess why they feel they have to do this in order to land just one date. If you're not Jason Bourne or James Bond then you're a fucking failure, that's the message we get.

Girls have their own troubles I know, but to assume guys are getting it light with their role models is unfair. You shouldn't envy boys getting action hero role models. I'm deeply disturbed by it; being weened on an entertainment diet of guns, muscles and explosions, and then aspiring to join the army and go die in some pointless conflict as nothing more than cannon fodder or aspiring to a bully role. Male role models in western society are generally terrible and to our detriment.

So many guys are hooked on being big and muscle-bound in exactly the same way girls have issues with getting 'fat'.

We're all manipulated in equal measure from Day 1. They shoot us while we're young and then we limp on wounded and confused until the day we die. None of us have it easy - and those who become aware and understand the forces that have been manipulating them all their life and continue to do so probably have it the worst because they don't even get to be ignorant.

Excellent post, I agree with all of the above. And I agree, men do have it worse. It's far more acceptable for women to display more 'masculine' traits than it is for men to display 'feminine' ones.

If we could only get away from gender specialisation. It's possible to be assertive and sensitive to others, successful, physically fit and nurturing.

We should all be looking after each other, and at the same time helping ourselves and each other to seek out opportunities and live life to the full.

Just think, women nurture and men protect. That's just semantics, we're doing the same thing. And women are extremely fierce and aggressive when protecting their young.

it's this 'weak women' and 'strong men' that influences our perceptions, we're not really that much different.

[jump]

If you're not Jason Bourne or James Bond then you're a fucking failure, that's the message we get..

The funny things is if you want to be a real spy you have to be short, I applied when I was an unemployed once and told I was too tall and would be noticed trying to follow someone.

Great post by the way, I have the issue of being tall and put in the role of alpha primarily because of it regardless of if I am or not. When I go out drinking my mates bitch to me about going over to a group off girls to break the ice so they can then join in and over the weekend I had a bouncer trying to start a fist fight with me over nothing although I suspect it's because I'm almost a foot taller than him.

But truth be told I can completely understand why people aren't attracted to the sensitive, romantic type because I'm not, and I do know it's not quite the same for guys but I just can't stand the sweet, flower & sunshine types girls. They may want someone to be caring, sensitive, romantic in a relationship but before that you have got to want to be in a relationship with someone rather than anyone first and that's down to attraction to (what they perceive as) good looking & exciting people. That's not to say they are mutually exclusive things it's just easier & quicker to like someone who is exciting than the time it takes to make a connection with someone who is sensitive.

Edited September 19, 2011 by jump

[Katster]

How is it any different for girls? If anything we get an even tougher deal because what is one mans goddess is another mans goof. Although having said that I don't like triangle shaped men so I guess it always comes down to tastes really, whatever the sex.

Ideals suck, that's why you should do what's right for you. I was pressured into finding a man (yet when I stopped looking I found him) and now I am being pressured into having kids and getting married. It's not for me not yet and I wish people would just shut up about it but they can't help how they are programmed either I guess?!

This wasn't supposed to be a rant, I think I need to go to bed. Alone because the bloke has been called out and will be out all night it seems. Boo

Hoo.

[feral chile]

How is it any different for girls? If anything we get an even tougher deal because what is one mans goddess is another mans goof. Although having said that I don't like triangle shaped men so I guess it always comes down to tastes really, whatever the sex.

Ideals suck, that's why you should do what's right for you. I was pressured into finding a man (yet when I stopped looking I found him) and now I am being pressured into having kids and getting married. It's not for me not yet and I wish people would just shut up about it but they can't help how they are programmed either I guess?!

This wasn't supposed to be a rant, I think I need to go to bed. Alone because the bloke has been called out and will be out all night it seems. Boo

Hoo.

Well I think both sexes have to combat stereotypes. I think men probably get treated worse than women if they display traditional feminine traits though, and they're brought up not to express emotion. I think it's still harder for men to enjoy having mainly women as friends, compared to women having mainly men as friends.

Though thinking about it, both sexes police their own sex.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

There's an element of some policing but sometimes it only goes so far. I have been mortified (and said so) to see a friend playing away when he already has someone who if she left him would destroy him (in terms that he wouldn't cope with his loss). It's a funny game Russian Roulette. It's not just blokes who play it either. What a funny old world we live in! Keep up with the Jones's and the grass is always greener on the other side. What a diet of nonsense.

[Jackmypie]

should of totally gaggotty'd her gloshmoygan

(sorry if I ruined the serious discussion going on here)

Edited September 20, 2011 by Jackmypie

[nightcrawler13]

well, my recent breakup was my longest and most serious relationship yet it's taken me less than a week to get over it...

i guess a mixture of knowing things weren't right long ago plus reading The Art Of Happiness lately means i've just accepted all those feelings, plan and emotions may have been relevant at the time, but life is change and things go on and i'm not DEAD, so have nothing to worry about

it's funny how much being in love can completely warp your perspective of things. My girlfriend was completely different the moment she moved from Edinburgh back to Manchester, i guess cause i was her lifeline of fun up there she was wonderful and lovely every visit. But when i was down the street, and she was back around her waster friends, her pre-me personality rose up... If i had met this girl, I would have NEVER gotten with her. But as i met a very different girl three months earlier, and had fallen in love with her, I just paved over these differences in personality and behaviour and continued being in a relationship that was doomed to fail.

If anything, I'm glad she cheated on me

It gave me a Get Out Of Jail Free Card as it were. When i left her I was in no way the bad guy, and if I had left her without this reasoning (like i had thought about it the past) I would have always though back to our initial passion and wondered if I had made the wrong decision.

Now, I realise she is an incredibly immature and fickle girl. Two days after begging me not to leave her, and telling me I was her soul mate and she was ever so sorry for hurting me, I went to pick up some stuff and the lube was out and his stuff was there. Clearly I meant very little for such strong emotions to disappear so quickly eh?

So now I need to create new social circles to replace the fractured ones I'm not really ever going to be fully part of again, let my self-confidence repair itself after that bit of a beating, and remember never to run into a relationship too quickly again....

now, where are all the women?

Edited September 21, 2011 by nightcrawler13

[Gre]

I went to pick up some stuff and the lube was out and his stuff was there.

Classy girl

and remember never to run into a relationship too quickly again....

I don't think there's anything wrong with running into a relationship - even with my twisted/broken mind I can appreciate that its great to let your emotions run sometimes.

BUT it sounds like you're in a good place & coming out of this a better person. Hurrah!

[jump]

I think somethings wrong with me, I've had the most fun date I've had in ages last weekend which was all down to the pair of us talking and joking around but I don't really want to go out with her again even though she is a talll leggy blonde and we have a fair bit in common.

[nightcrawler13]

I think somethings wrong with me, I've had the most fun date I've had in ages last weekend which was all down to the pair of us talking and joking around but I don't really want to go out with her again even though she is a talll leggy blonde and we have a fair bit in common.

why? O_o

[Purple Monkey]

Looks like I've met someone really amazing. Just as I gave up, she comes along and knocks me for six.

[jump]

why? O_o

Because there's something wrong with me? No idea, maybe becuase she's seems too perfect that I can't accept she is really like that or chances are seeing her again might not be as fun last time. Suppose I will just have to grow a pair and get over it and see her again.

Looks like I've met someone really amazing. Just as I gave up, she comes along and knocks me for six.

I'm hoping this wont lead to an end of your everything in the world sucks rants now that you're loved up, I always enjoy them.

[feral chile]

Because there's something wrong with me? No idea, maybe becuase she's seems too perfect that I can't accept she is really like that or chances are seeing her again might not be as fun last time. Suppose I will just have to grow a pair and get over it and see her again.

I'm hoping this wont lead to an end of your everything in the world sucks rants now that you're loved up, I always enjoy them.

Aw, sounds like you're scared of getting let down. The risk's worth it though.

[Lithium05]

Ok, been a while since I've posted in this thread, been having a tough time lately on all fronts and not been sure whether to share this, but f*ck it here we go. It's a bit long winded, and I apologise for that, but this is what's on my mind.

Might as week start from the beginning. I've been single for about 4 years now, and up until about a year ago I was over 20 stone, and missing any confidence or self-esteem required to do something about it. I quit drinking in December, and since then I've lost about 5 stone. Back in February I met a girl at the local rock club, and exchanged a few Facebook messages until she got a boyfriend and deleted me. Whilst I was pretty annoyed by this, it gave me some confidence so I started trying the whole Internet dating thing, and met a lovely, albeit fairly socially awkward girl, who moved to the area a few months prior. She told me right off the bat that her ex was supposed to move with her, but opted out of it last minute resulting in their break-up.

Went out for the first time in may, but due to various roadblocks (i had to have an op on my knee over the summer meaning i couldnt drive for a while, and work cocked up my ssp, meaning i went 3 months without pay) we've only been out 3 times since then (not that I wasn't trying to sort out something, she was just a bit cold to my suggestions) Around July I came to the conclusion it wasn't going anywhere, and because she spent so much of her limited free time going back to her home town, i assumed she was tryig to get back with her ex, and started chatting to another girl I met online as kind of a back up plan. I really liked this second girl, we were chatting on the phone every day, and constantly texting. But she seemed reluctant to meet up, every time I suggested it, she was busy or broke, I even invited her to my friend's wedding to try and get to see her in person, but she said no. A few weeks later she casually mentioned a bloke she'd been seeing, when I quizzed her as to why she thought it was appropriate to talk to me about this she revealed that despite me asking her out constantly, she thought we were just friends, which I reacted badly to.

In the fallout of this I received a text out of the blue from the girl I'd been on a few dates with asking me if I fancied going to the cinema - the first time she'd asked me to do something rather than the other way round, so I dismissed my fears and gave it another shot, we've been talking regularly and were supposed to be going to see Evil Dead 2 tonight at the cinema. However I received a message last night saying she's not comfortable with me driving so far (20 minutes) out of my way to pick her up, and that she's "not great company at the moment anyway". And to cut long story shorter than it could have been, I'm pretty bummed out about this, I'm sick of being single, and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away. The internet dating well seems to have run dry as I can't seem to even get a single response on PoF anymore. I'm kind of depressed as I really feel like I have nothing going for me right now.

[jump]

That sucks but from my experience (note my experience before anyone starts) a lot of the problems you're having is because you're meeting people off the internet and I gave up on my short lived internet dating attempt because these people generally are socially awkward and yes there's a few people who are too busy to meet new people blah, blah, blah. And don't make the mistake of wanting to be in a relationship simply because you don't want to be single, you should want to be in a relationship because you want the girl.

IMO it's best to just organise a night out or go to a few smaller club gigs and just generally talk to people by the bar, in the smoking area in the queue regardless if they are boy or girl or if you fancy them or not and once you get strangers laughing at your jokes, getting an interesting conversation going etc you'll pick up far more confidence and enjoyment from that then getting a message back from someone off a dating site then use confidence to start talking to real world girls.

[Lithium05]

IMO it's best to just organise a night out or go to a few smaller club gigs and just generally talk to people by the bar, in the smoking area in the queue regardless if they are boy or girl or if you fancy them or not and once you get strangers laughing at your jokes, getting an interesting conversation going etc you'll pick up far more confidence and enjoyment from that then getting a message back from someone off a dating site then use confidence to start talking to real world girls.

That never seems to work out well for me, I've never been big fan of pubs and clubs, even less so now that I've quit drinking.

Just as a continuation of the above, apparently she didn't realise it was just the two of us going, and thought there were a group of my friends going too, which is why she thought dropping out was no big deal. Incidentally I have no idea where she got that idea from, other than saying that my friend was manager of the cinema, I never once implied it was a group event.

Miscommunications aside, the fact that this keeps drifting is really fucking with my head. I have no idea where I stand, and (according to my best friend, anyway) I haven't spent enough time with her to ask.

Well, I'm gonna do what I always do in this situation, go round my mate's house and chill the fuck out with a spliff.

Edited October 31, 2011 by Lithium05

[feral chile]

Jump's advice is good advice, if pubs and clubs are not your thing, how about stuff you're interested in doing, where you might meet someone with the same interests? Any film societies etc. that you could join?

[Katster]

I agree with feral and jump. But understand it's difficult when you're not that type of person.

[TheGayTent]

Lithium - get yourself down The Boleyn.

You'll still be depressed - but for a different reason, and it'll take your mind off women for 90 minutes!

[Snufflebutt]

This is a rant, I think I probably just need to get this written down as a sort of cathartic exercise, so never mind me.

So was out with a girl from POF last night, we had been texting for ages. I actually loved the text conversation as well. But when I met her, all she wanted to do was talk about herself. Like, what she was saying was interested (and tbh I'd rather listen to someone than talk about myself) but needless to say there was no chemistry. I'm just so disappointed at the moment. It's like I don't know what else to do.

But it seems to me though that POF is ideal for me for a number of reasons. Meeting girls is a problem for me because in my experience, they just think I'm gay. Especially when I go out to clubs this is a problem. I do normally go out with girls and am not one for moping around the side of the dancefloor. I get girls dancing with me occasionally, but invariably they ask me 'So you're gay yeah.' In other words they arent interested and just want to dance with me because they think I wont make a move on them or see me as a temporary wingman.

Obviously POF takes away this problem, but its also soul destroying. I learnt last night that you can't guage chemistry texting/ messaging online, and that seems to be the currency that makes relationships work. It's a catch 22 situation. I'm 23, havent had a girlfriend since I was 17 and really need to get a move on.

I suppose in short, I need to find a way to meet girls without risking them thinking I'm gay and then seeing me as a friend. But at the same time, I don't want it to look like I'm a creep acting like I'm gay to get close to girls (which I'm not, its just the way I am)

[jump]

^If I was you I'd just modify your dancing with girls in the club, most guys hating dancing so that gives you a big advantage so after you have been dancing a bit try getting closer and more flirty with them. I've been accused of being gay before, mainly because as soon as I find out someone is homophobic I started camping it up to wind them up, I've actually pulled girls that way before by making them laugh with gay jokes and making a cheesey declaration that she might be the one to turn me straight.

I actually find girls the best wing-men, guys will cock block because they find it funny or being in a group of guys will intimidate a girl where as being with girls make you less threatening and they are far better at engaging other girls and then including you in the conversation with the random girl aswell as a random girl is more likely to do something on there own and talk to another girl to approach a guy in fear of being seen to make the 1st move.

Edited November 15, 2011 by jump

[nightcrawler13]

On the train back from Cardiff a pretty girl sat next to me, we got chatting and she asked if I enjoyed my first trip to Cardiff. I told her I thought the city was great, as you had everything condensed with forests and sea around the corner. She forgot most city people don't get woodland on their doorstep and explained that she was going to Birmingham on friday to see a band, by herself as her friend couldn't go, and she was nervous cause Cardiff is the biggest city she'd been to...

It turns out the band she's seeing is one of my favourites, so i gave her my card and told her to give me a shout if she couldn't move the ticket and I'd be happy to get a train down for the evening. She seemed genuinely pleased with the idea, and we chatted for a bit longer until she had to get off in some Welsh town I can't pronounce

So a couple hours later I gather my things to get off the train, quite pleased with myself for getting a lot of uni work done and possibly scoring a date with a pretty girl

Then i see, lying on the floor, my business card

My ego deflates, I look around to see if anyone had been analysing the entire exchange and noticed my card as well, of course no one had because no one on a train cares about such things. I walked to work, picked up my bike, and listened to so music to cheer me up.

At midnight I get a text 'Hi Pirate Man! Lovely to meet you today and I'll call you this week about friday, can't wait. Random Train Girl x"

Turns out I dropped one of my business cards I'd been using as a bookmark when i first got on the train, and she still had the one i gave her, so hakuna matata and an exciting friday night ahoy