The Joke Thread

[guypjfreak]

following the death of Eddie Stobart today a film is being made of his life .

it looks good,

ive seen the trailer

[Banana Co]

I was standing there, wondering to myself, why is that frisbee getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me...

Stealing from Stewart Francis now are we?

[diddly-dee]

Stealing from Stewart Francis now are we?

Sorry, I didn't realise gags on here had to be the poster's original material

[Banana Co]

Sorry, I didn't realise gags on here had to be the poster's original material

Hahaha.

[diddly-dee]

Stealing from Stewart Francis now are we?

and, in my defence, you've got to give me some credit for it not being a jim davidson gag surely?

[Banana Co]

and, in my defence, you've got to give me some credit for it not being a jim davidson gag surely?

Oh yeh hahaha.

[BlackHole2006]

A Scostman, Englishman, Welshman, Irishman, Indian, American, Peruvian, Chinaman, Frenchman, Dutchman, Bolivian and a Russian go to a nightclub, they approach the doorman and ask him if they can come in but he replied, "I'm sorry. You can't come in without a Thai".

[grumpyhack]

Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

He barely said good morning,

Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts

And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

My handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady,

And by the way

Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better

That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

When Rick knocked on my door

And said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

And it is your Birthday,

What do you say we go out to lunch,

Just you and me...'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro

With a private table.

We had two martinis each

And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Rick said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place,

it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,

Rick turned to me and said,

If you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

For just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,

After a couple of minutes,

He came out

Carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my husband

My kids, and dozens of my friends

and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[grumpyhack]

[grumpyhack]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZQyaAD-IL4

[Alcatraz]

I've just watched the uncut version of "Scarface". It's called "Face"

[chappiepunk]

Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

He barely said good morning,

Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts

And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

My handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady,

And by the way

Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better

That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

When Rick knocked on my door

And said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

And it is your Birthday,

What do you say we go out to lunch,

Just you and me...'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro

With a private table.

We had two martinis each

And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Rick said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place,

it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,

Rick turned to me and said,

If you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

For just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,

After a couple of minutes,

He came out

Carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my husband

My kids, and dozens of my friends

and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Thats brilliant!

[grumpyhack]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a

teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket

because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[guypjfreak]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?

The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!

[Glastofari]

A bloke goes to buy a dog.

When he gets there the dog says, 'alright mate'.

Bloke says, 'F**kin 'ell, i've seen it all now'!

The dog says, 'Yep, i've won Crufts 5 times,

been on tv, starred in films, sniffed out explosives in Iraq,

and run 9 marathons for charity'.

So the bloke says to the owner, 'Why you sellin him'?

Owner says, 'Cos he's a lying C**t!

[FunkyDenz]

"Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ...

once you've hired the car..."

[grumpyhack]

Would You marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

[grumpyhack]

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

Also......

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home..

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Men's Helpline.

Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[Gothenburg83]

My last girlfriend left me because she thought all I cared about was football. I am gutted because we had only been together for 3 seasons.

[AcademicPistol]

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[G-Stud]

I hate being bi-polar, it's awesome!

[POKERDUDE]

why did the chicken cross the duck?

.

.

I don't know either, but I bet there was drug money involved

[POKERDUDE]

thatcher's deid

[Dead throne]

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.