The Joke Thread

[oneeye]

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?

Shh, kebab

[the beadle]

Knock knock

Who's there?

UKIP

FUCK OFF

[Hawky]

The Conservative's manifesto.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Seamus is having trouble making his wife orgasm during sex. No matter how hard he tries, fast, slow, pounding, doggy…nothing works.
Scared he may lose her he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says: “You need someone to flap a towel near you both when you have sex. It will keep your wife cool and comfortable and should help her come”.
So Seamus invites his best pal Paddy round to try flapping the towel while Seamus and his wife have sex. Seamus bangs away and paddy flaps the towel like crazy but still no orgasm from his wife.
“I have an idea,” says Seamus, “Let me flap the towel and you have sex with her, see if that works”.
Within 20 seconds, Seamus’s wife is writhing in pleasure, screaming and having orgasm after orgasm. Seamus leans over the bed to his mate and says. “Now that my son, is how you flap a fucking towel”

[phantom quartz]

A local ice cream man was found dead last night. He was covered in strawberry sauce, crushed nuts, and hundreds n thousands.....early reports suggest he probably topped himself.

 

[Nuthugger]

The barman said: "We don't serve time travelers 'round here!" ..... A time traveler walks into a bar.

[willutalk]

What's Oscar Pistorius' favourite band?

Why... Bullet for my Valentine of course.

[whisty]

Patrick took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show in Dublin. 

”Aah!” said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. 
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” 

 

 

  

“Sticks,” said Patrick. 

[sameimpala]

What does Matt Bellamy have for breakfast?

Museli.

[Gucci Piggy]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 

[Gucci Piggy]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[Gucci Piggy]

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

[Gucci Piggy]

Two tomatoes cross the street. One of the tomatoes gets hit by a car, and the other tomatoe goes "Aw, come on... Catch up!"
 

[sameimpala]

Why did KT Tunstall fall over unexpectedly? It was suddenly icy
 

Edited March 1, 2016 by sameimpala

[grumpyhack]

What does it mean to be British?

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland …

 "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?  To be suspicious of anything foreign…………………………

[Woffy]

On 20/12/2013 at 8:02 AM, eFestivals said:

When they were married, Paul McCartney gave Heather Mills a plane for Christmas.

 

He gave her Immac for the other leg.

He also gave her a new prosthetic leg. 

It wasn't her main present though, just a stocking filler. 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[grumpyhack]

The difference if you marry a Welsh Girl  

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...

The third man married a girl from Wales. 
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.

The first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either,
...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, 
He could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
 

Edited July 5, 2017 by grumpyhack

[feral chile]

 

Quote

 

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

EARTHQUAKE IN NEWPORT, SOUTH WALES.

An earthquake measuring 6.4 on the Richter scale hit Newport in the early hours, with the epicentre in the Pill area. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The South Wales Argus reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Newport. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Baseball caps

Full matching tracksuits

Nike Huarachi trainers

Tartan pyjamas

UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.

£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

Apologies to Newport residents.

[grumpyhack]

Two Irish builders (Paddy and Séamus) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Dublin when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Séamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Séamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Séamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Séamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a w*nker..

 

[LRW]

An oldie but goodie:

I went to a zoo the other day, and all it had was one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

 

[feral chile]

A Welsh farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.” 

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment…

“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

[feral chile]

Three Wales and three England fans are off to the Millennium Stadium for the first Six Nations Championship match of 2015.

At the train station, the English supporters each bought a ticket, but couldn’t help noticing the Welsh bought only one.

They asked them “Why have you bought only one ticket?”.

The Welsh boys said “Just watch and learn.”

The time comes to board the train and all the supporters hop on.

The conductor comes around to check everyone’s tickets, at which point the Welsh fans all crammed into the toilet.

The conductor reaches the English supporters and says “tickets please” and the tickets were handed over.

The conductor makes his way to the toilet, and asks “ticket please”.

The cubicle door creeks open and a single Welsh fan’s hand pops out with the single ticket.

The fans hop off the train, and the English thought it was absolute genius by the Welsh.

After the game, the fans all catch the same train home, and the English decide to use the same strategy the Welsh used to arrive.

The three English supporters bought a single ticket, whereas the Welsh supporters didn’t buy any.

The English, in shock, asked: “Why haven’t you guys bought a ticket?”.

The Welsh simply replied “just watch and learn.”

They board the train, and soon enough, the conductor comes around to check tickets.

Both the English and Welsh supporters run into the toilets.

The English are murmuring, wondering how the Welsh fans are going to make it.

The conductor comes around closer, and the fans can hear him say “ticket please”.

At this point, one of the Welsh fans leaves his stall, and knocks on the English toilet and asks: “Ticket please”.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

A bloke walks in to a doctors and says ' I can't say my F's and my T,H's.

The doctor says 'Well,you can't say fairer than that'.

[jj200]

fall out boy is not really a band they are boys who fall out on stage while performing.

where does coldplay play?

well they play in the cold.