The Joke Thread

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work"?  Yes," says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic. The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[grumpyhack]

A Senior trying to set a new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER:    cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:    boiled cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER   : 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER   : 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER :50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

 

 

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use

 

[oneeye]

  

 

Edited May 11, 2018 by oneeye

[grumpyhack]

A 70-odd year old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive he just can’t take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone … “I’ll do anything you’d like.

Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.

I want £100, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand.

He then looks he square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly … “paint my house.”

(for some of us our needs change as we get older and we tend to look for bargains!)

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

 

Happy Halloween.

[adamsands]

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Answer: Hi, bud!

Edited November 15, 2018 by adamsands

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

[grumpyhack]

Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

 

 Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.

So, what do you do?  You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.       

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.

You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.

Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? 

Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I may have told this one before, but even if I have, it's worth another whirl - in my opinion;

 

Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Now for your help with my problem - Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

A Russian agent visits a Kerry village in Ireland to check in with a sleeper agent planted there years earlier. All he knows is that his man has the cover name O'Sullivan and will respond to the phrase "Red sky at night is shepherd's delight".

 

Arriving in the village, he calls into O'Sullivan's Bar and tells the barman he is looking for O'Sullivan. The barman responds that half the people in the village are called O'Sullivan.

 

"There's O'Sullivan the Mechanic," he tells the Russian, "O'Sullivan the Guard, O'Sullivan the Blacksmith, O'Sullivan the Priest, O'Sullivan the Postman, O'Sullivan the Teacher, O'Sullivan the farmer.

 

"Sure my dear man, I myself am O'Sullivan the Publican," says the Kerryman, polishing a glass.

 

The Russian wonders whether this could be his man.

 

Looking the Kerryman in the eye, the Russian says "Red sky at night is shepherd's delight."

 

There's a pause as the Kerryman looks back at the Russian.

 

"Aha!" he says. "Sure you're looking for O'Sullivan the Spy!"

 

[chuckles07]

Q/ What’s the difference between hard and light?

 

 

 

 

 

A/ You can sleep with a light on

[grumpyhack]

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. 
Spot ate every bite.
 All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him

after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,  "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,  "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... 
"I can't believe that bloke!"
 "What bloke?"
 "You know, the person who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

[justwilliams]

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”  

[grumpyhack]

As a deaffie and hearing aid user, I think that's brilliant Yog!

[grumpyhack]

Saw a great T shirt at a gig tonight.  Ideal for folk festivals.

[grumpyhack]

 A man went into a Bristol supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t*sser out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."

 "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

[DareToDibble]

On 10/24/2019 at 6:26 PM, grumpyhack said:

 A man went into a Bristol supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower.

The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t*sser out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."

 "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

Fantastic  (I am aware I’m about a week late in reading this)

[grumpyhack]

Apologies to anyone offended by Irish jokes but these were sent to me so I though I'd pass them on.

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week

- and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours
.…………………………………….

“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one ?”
"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses ?” O’Leary replied.
……………………………….

Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant” she cried.
“And how do you know it’s yours ?” shouts her father.
…………………………………

PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname ?”
SHAUN: “Mick who ?”
…………………………………..

PADDY: “If you can guess how many Pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them”.
SHAUN: Three.
………………………………….

Mrs Murphy said: “ I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
“Why’s that ?” said Mrs O’Toole.
“Me last child don’t look anything like him”.
…………………………………….

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because
I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
……………………………………

Shaun and Molly sat up all night on their honeymoon - waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.
……………………………………

Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
“It’s me weather guide” said Murphy. “If it’s swinging back and forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining.
……………………………………..

Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live - so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
……………………………………

Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed. As quick as a flash, he scooped it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said. “No I’m not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind. I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures”.……………………………………

“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month ?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.
……………………………………..

Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. “That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next ?” he asked. “I’m not Father”, she replied. “I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.
………………………………….

The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and, to make it interesting, they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.
 

[grumpyhack]

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY

Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.

[oneeye]

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

[cidy]

Took my goldfish to the vet this morning.

"I think it's got epilepsy!”

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

I said, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet

 

 

I've just got a job assisting a blind typist when she wants to use capital letters! . . . . money's OK but it's all shift work