NFR NFC >>>>>>2015

[Woffy]

TANGENTED BADLY (or CLIMBING THE GREASY POLE)

the familiar black wave of depression
billows forward in my mind
hemispheres battle for supremacy
a ground war
bloody, wasteful
resources consumed with voracious ferocity

anodes, cathodes

the rusty fur of electrolysis
collects on terrified receptors
neurons - defeated, battered, deflated

i sit silently
blissfully unaware
on a pock-marked, pitted duvet
drinking

diary notes on a desktop:

*client representative
*confirm start date
*impart information

an idea comes and goes from my mind in a heartbeat

don't waste your talents
don't waste your breath
you can't dig your talons into my neck
like you did all the rest

picture perfect
you glide and you float
devour and gloat

she moves like a shoal of
brightly coloured fish
through water
then
a spat breaks out
desks, tables are overturned
who cares?
who cares enough?

boiling hot
black coffee spills over the lap
of a colleague

my memos begin as hate
mail and end with love poems
& sonnets

then i am:

clawing at the sodden earth
clambering ever upwards
soil crumbles like hash in my hands
blue sky smiling down
leaves whisper in the wind

back to...

exhaust fumes coating the
pavement underfoot
the black ash of traffic dribbles from a
runny nose
tourists eagerly snap
photographs of a lorry wreck

another table overturned with a
look
a hand passes through glass

i am up now
up and about
up and around
active
but
i am trying to end this
like a schoolchild hurrying to fill the last pages
of an exercise book

i write with my cheek
pressed hard against the
desk

concentrating on
my hand as it writes

the black ink
zooms in and out of focus
as words hit the page

my fingers working independently
from my mind,
my thoughts

the scales groan under
the weight of my own
expectations

balance tips in your favour

Blisters on my feet
throb
in a cartoon fashion

i like to hit things
with a stick

imagining i am running
amok
in a supermarket

tear-arsing down the isles
laying all products to
waste with an axe

when was the last time you
made something with
your hands that you didn't eat
or smoke?

you stole what dim joy i had
but i am left with sunlight
so foreign to this room

usually so quiet and dark and still.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Nuffink to lose, innit!

Hello again Woffy

There are two people in my life who are 'in to' poetry. They are my wife and one of my brothers. I'm going to take a liberty and show some of your work to my wife to see what she thinks. Hope you don't mind. The more 'exposure' the better I say.

As to my brother - let me tell you a true tale of where his poetry led him once. He was living in Ireland a fair few years ago and realised there was a travel bursary for poets available from the Irish government. The bursary was the return air fare to attend a poetry conference in America. All he had to do was get two 'well known' poets to vouch for his credentials, one of whom had to be Irish and one American. Someohow he managed to get two very well known poets to vouch for him accordingly, and then the Irish government gave him the money for the air fare.

After a very heavy night out on the tiles, my brother went to the airport for his free trip to America. When he sat down with his hangover, he was unimpressed to find that he was amongst a load of school children screaming and balling. What he didn't know was that there was one child not able to scream etc with his / her mates because he (my brother) was sat in his pre booked seat which is where they (the alone child) would have liked to have been sitting.

Not long after the plane had taken off a stewardess came over to my brother and asked if he would mind swapping seats with the child who wanted to be with his / her mates. Eager to get away from the screaming and boisterous c*nts ( his words, not mine) he eagerly agreed. When he swapped seats the stewardess gave him a bottle of champagne, which he duly drank.

When they finally got to the States he went to walk off the plane and the stewardess gave him another bottle of champagne to take away with him (Lord knows why). He was then picked up at the airport by a friend of a friend, who just so happened to be a cocaine dealer. He got in their car, and started drinking the champagne and snorting cocaine.

This is a true story, which I will obviously deny, should the relevant authorities turn up at my door. It's incredible though where the interest in poetry can lead one!

[A Guy Called Matt]

and BANG

Woffy is back.

[A Guy Called Matt]

Why Can't Other People Be More Like Me?

Are people blind??
Can they not see??
Why can't other people
Be more like me??
They relish the foods
That I firmly detest
And recoil at the treats
I consider the best!
Some may keep pets
Which I know very well
Are not faithful companions
But vermin from Hell!
They get married to fools
Despite my advice
to marry the people
That I think are nice!
They do their own thing
And go their own way
And live their own lives
Whatever I say
Some prefer coffee
When they know I like tea!
Oh why can't other people
Be more like me??

[lucyginger]

Ooh I love a bit of creative writing!! Love it Woffy, and Matt.

The, erm, MOT one is great. Need a cold shower now.

Great to have you back Woffmeister!!!

[ICGenie]

And now this thread is banned on my work PC. To the naughty step with you Woffy!

[A Guy Called Matt]

And now this thread is banned on my work PC. To the naughty step with you Woffy!

Help - we have no naughty step. It was lost at GF last year and scrapped as we were all to be good good people.

[lucyginger]

Maybe some editing of naughtiness is required?

Genie will it come back if the rudies are gone?

[lucyginger]

In other news, I'm going for an all you can eat chinese tonight with a couple of friends I havent seen in ages, and in other other news, it looks like I may be getting an office with a window soon. WOOO!

All Praise the Weather Gods!!!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

In other news, I'm going for an all you can eat chinese tonight with a couple of friends I havent seen in ages, and in other other news, it looks like I may be getting an office with a window soon. WOOO!

All Praise the Weather Gods!!!

I had a couple of mates (one has since died and I rarely see the other nowadays) who were asked to leave an all you can eat Chinese restaurant. The reason was that they had stayed there for hours eating insane amounts of food. I think it was out of order them being asked to leave really as they had paid the amount requested and there was no time limit in place (at that time).

Anyway, I hope your meal is more refined. It's really nice catching up with old friends.

[mr gumby]

Evening all!

I have spent my afternoon trying my hand at home cheese-making. I was given a kit for Christmas and I've just finished a batch of ricotta. Fucking lush, if I do say so myself! Next time, it'll be mozzarella, which is a bit more complicated. Give it a year or two, and I'll be bringing homemade cheese to glasto for the meet!

[A Guy Called Matt]

Give it a year or two, and I'll be bringing homemade cheese to glasto for the meet!

Hopefully nor the 'or two' else it will just be you and the cows.

[mr gumby]

Hopefully nor the 'or two' else it will just be you and the cows.

Well, I do live only 20 miles from Pilton, so I could just go and sit in a Worthy farm field, eat cheese and drink cider, as a tribute to all who are missing the festival!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Evening all!

I have spent my afternoon trying my hand at home cheese-making. I was given a kit for Christmas and I've just finished a batch of ricotta. Fucking lush, if I do say so myself! Next time, it'll be mozzarella, which is a bit more complicated. Give it a year or two, and I'll be bringing homemade cheese to glasto for the meet!

I had no idea that there were home cheese making kits. I shall have to look in to this as I love a lot of cheeses. I once went to The Great British Cheese Festival many years ago when it was held in Stow on the Wold. It was ace because I'd booked myself and some friends in on some of the lectures and tasting sessions. Well, I say it was ace - in reality it wasn't so ace at the end of the night when I was that plastered that I couldn't find the B & B that three of us (myself and two amorous ladies) were staying in (in the one double bed). In the end we all had to stay in one of the ladies campervan that she had luckily driven to the festival. This wouldn't have been so bad had we not deposited there earlier in the evening a drunken barking mad S & M queen (of the female variety). Basically there was very little room and no blankets or duvets, as none of us were meant to be staying in the van. That was a long cold night.

[mr gumby]

I had no idea that there were home cheese making kits. I shall have to look in to this as I love a lot of cheeses.

Have a look on eBay etc. Most are pretty basic, for soft, mild cheeses, but I'm sure if you delve a little deeper there would be kits and equipment for all sorts. Sounds a bit like your tale of S&M shenanigans at a cheese festival! ;-)

[mr gumby]

5000 posts on the NFR NFC thread! Woohoo!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Have a look on eBay etc. Most are pretty basic, for soft, mild cheeses, but I'm sure if you delve a little deeper there would be kits and equipment for all sorts. Sounds a bit like your tale of S&M shenanigans at a cheese festival! ;-)

I went on two bread making courses over two full days a few years back, because I really wanted to be able to make my own bread. Unfortunately I can't remember bugger all about either course. I think this is an area I need to revisit. If I could make my own bread and my own cheese, then I'd be a very happy bunny.

Anyway - off to look at cheese making kits on ebay. Thanks mr gumby.

[guypjfreak]

bit blowy up north hope your safe its gonna get warmer now i feel it i do i tell you its in me bones

[Woffy]

Have a caused trouble for some?

GOOD!

[mr gumby]

bit blowy up north

Finbarr!

(Had to get one in today!)

[lucyginger]

Chinese done! It was lovely. Both the food and the company.

[lucyginger]

Btw, 5000 posts is amazing! Well done us!

[jeffie]

Have a look on eBay etc. Most are pretty basic, for soft, mild cheeses, but I'm sure if you delve a little deeper there would be kits and equipment for all sorts. Sounds a bit like your tale of S&M shenanigans at a cheese festival! ;-)

I got a kit too. Halloumi yum yum!

[jeffie]

I'm planning to accompany with home made bread. Google is your friend.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I'm planning to accompany with home made bread. Google is your friend.

This is something I know that I will only ever dream of. Good luck with your project jeffie.