Do I come to the festival?

[hodgey123]

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice. 
 

My Mum is in the end stages of terminal cancer. She has been in hospital all week and gradually deteriorating and won’t be coming home. My fiancé and I have tickets to the festival with a large group and I am very torn on what to do either if she dies before the festival or if death seems to be imminent during the festival. I would like to be there when she dies as I feel that is right, but I also feel she would not want anyone to cancel anything in order to mourn etc. What would you do in my situation? 

[A Particular Grey Chihuahu]

I'd be with my mum. It's just a festival. All the best ❤️

[Ayrshire Chris]

3 minutes ago, hodgey123 said:

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice. 
 

My Mum is in the end stages of terminal cancer. She has been in hospital all week and gradually deteriorating and won’t be coming home. My fiancé and I have tickets to the festival with a large group and I am very torn on what to do either if she dies before the festival or if death seems to be imminent during the festival. I would like to be there when she dies as I feel that is right, but I also feel she would not want anyone to cancel anything in order to mourn etc. What would you do in my situation? 

Honestly this is purely a very personal decision that you’ve got to decide between yourself and fiancé. I would say that you don’t want to do something that you will come to regret in the future.

It must be a very worrying time for you. So sorry to hear about your mum, the health service I’m sure will make her as comfortable as possible. 

[CanWeRest]

If you're asking what I'd do in your situation, I'd definitely be with my family. But only you can answer that question for yourself. For me, I'd regret not being there for my family way more than I'd regret missing a music festival. 

[august1]

Definitely no right answer to this. Need to do what's right for you and your mum.

 

Would your mum want you to go the festival and have a good time?

 

I don't have the words to properly express how difficult it is to get over the guilty feeling when enjoying life when you're surrounded by such grief. You should absolutely feel no guilt about potentially enjoying yourself. Need to take every moment of happiness whenever it comes.

[DareToDibble]

Sorry to hear about your mum. As others have said, whilst we can't answer for you all we can do is say what we personally would do.

Look, we all LOVE the festival but it is just a festival. To me family is far more important. There will be other Glastonbury's.

[Superscally]

You'll have another Glasto. You won't enjoy yourself there guilt free. If she sadly passes before, I'd go and sit on the hill with a good pal, or a drink and toast her awesomeness as the sun goes down.

So sorry for you man. Love to your mam x

[hodgey123]

Thanks a lot everyone for your very kind responses. I must admit I am still incredibly undecided and it will really depend on how and when it happens. My Mum seriously would want me to go which is the ironic part, but I will just need to see what happens and how my siblings are at the time. 

[kemosabe]

As another poster said about their own experience, there's somethings you can't leave at the gate. 

 

I think even if you.come you'll not really enjoy it. Obviously we.dont know you though and it's your choice. 

 

Personally I'd be with my mum tho. Glasto will be there next year 

[CantWaitForGlasto22]

That’s super hard. I’m really sorry to hear it. My only addition to what others have said is to keep it flexible and see how you feel and how your mum is. You don’t need to decide right now. Eg you could decide just to go for a day or two of it if you felt up to it and your friends could pitch your tent. Make it a last minute thing. Doesn’t necessarily need to be an all or nothing thing.  For different but similar reasons I may not now make it this year but haven’t wrapped my head around it all yet. I feel your pain. 

[DJL]

I’m so sorry to read this.

 

it’s not comparable but my wife and I had tickets in 2019 when one of our kids was in hospital all spring and Summer. They weren’t in mortal danger day to day but they were very ill. We eventually went for part of the festival - Friday evening till Sunday afternoon. It was the only time neither of us were at the hospital for months.

 

i don’t regret it… but whilst we had some good moments and it gave us us a much needed break, we couldn’t really enjoy it either. Some things you can’t leave at the gate. Our child recovered and we finally made it back ‘properly’ in 2023.

 

Only you can know what is the right decision for you.

 

 

[FloopFiller]

I’m almost any other situation id be saying yeah, go to Glastonbury, enjoy yourself, but this is your mum.. and I think you’d forever feel guilty and associate Glastonbury with that guilt if you went and she passed whilst you were there. You’ve only got one mum, but there will be more festivals. Sorry to hear you’re going through this.

[Ommadawn]

I agree with all the above. You can't leave your Mum. If she passed on while you were as Glastonbury, you would never forgive yourself.

My thought are with you.

[dizzymoo]

Only you know your circumstances and how you feel, but please don't beat yourself up about the possibility of not being there wnen your mum dies.  It's such a common occurrence for people at the end of life to wait until their family members have gone for a quick break to let go, and the family then feel they've somehow failed, when in fact their loved one needed to be alone.

 

As others here have already said, you don't have to decide yet, and you could come for part of the festival.  Do try to make sure you say everything you need to say to your mum though, whatever you decide.

[Cooter]

As a 54 year old veteran who has missed one festival since 1989 I say this...stay with your Mum, there's absolutely no reason not to.

[august1]

30 minutes ago, dizzymoo said:

Only you know your circumstances and how you feel, but please don't beat yourself up about the possibility of not being there wnen your mum dies.  It's such a common occurrence for people at the end of life to wait until their family members have gone for a quick break to let go, and the family then feel they've somehow failed, when in fact their loved one needed to be alone.

 

As others here have already said, you don't have to decide yet, and you could come for part of the festival.  Do try to make sure you say everything you need to say to your mum though, whatever you decide.

 

really good post. I was effectively banned from seeing my dad for those final hours as we all knew he wouldnt be able to pass in peace with my presence, we had a close bond btw because that line sounds sinister as f**k 😂

 

Having thought of it i'd be creating plans ( sorry if this is cold ) for all scenarios. If it happens a week before the fest could you get yourself in a frame of mind to tackle the fest for a few days, a week after, would you be ok missing out on potential moments with her? Obviously the bit inbetween is even more complicated. 

 

Maybe even packing for the festival is something to take your mind off it all.

 

I think you're more likely to regret missing a moment with your mum than regret not going the festival

 

 

[JB3]

Sorry to hear that mate. Personally I’d have to stay with my Mum, I think it’s something I would regret for the rest of my life it I wasn’t there at the end.

[StoneCircle]

2 hours ago, hodgey123 said:

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice. 
 

My Mum is in the end stages of terminal cancer. She has been in hospital all week and gradually deteriorating and won’t be coming home. My fiancé and I have tickets to the festival with a large group and I am very torn on what to do either if she dies before the festival or if death seems to be imminent during the festival. I would like to be there when she dies as I feel that is right, but I also feel she would not want anyone to cancel anything in order to mourn etc. What would you do in my situation? 

 

You only have one Mum in a lifetime, you can go to Glastonbury Festival (by either getting tickets or volunteering) most years. You will regret not being with her at the end in later years. I do realise it's a tough decision to make. 😢 I lost mine in 2006, it was a fallow year so I didn't have to make a choice. 💔

[Lucy92]

I lost my dad to cancer so I know it seriously sucks. I also know he’d have wanted me to go and enjoy myself too so I know it’s a hard decision to make. Whatever you decide to do feel no guilt and cherish the happy memories. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this! 

[Mr Boo]

Really sorry that you and your family are going through this.

 

My Dad was ill all of last year and I was constantly worried about if I would be able to get back to him in time (when things deteriorated more).

 

You are already having to deal with the future loss of your mum and that isn’t fair, losing your time at Glastonbury isn’t fair either, this situation just sucks.

Feeling guilty is unfortunately a common aspect of mourning, so I would use this time to ensure that you have no regrets and nothing you can make yourself feel guilty about later.

 

My Dad died in December, one comfort I have had, was me and my family were with him when he died. When the feelings of guilt came along, I was able to kick them into touch and think ‘sod  off guilt, I did my best’.

 

Best wishes to you and your family during this really horrible time.

[Filthy]

Such an awful situation and sorry for you and your family having to go through it. Personally being there at the very end doesn't mean as much to me as it seems to for others but as I have  close relationship with my Dad and Sister then i would want to be there to support them and grieve together but obviously everyone's circumstances are different.

 

One year of the best festival in the world is only one year and despite it being an obsession for most of us here having a year off won't be remembered in years to come but life regrets are a bitch going forward.

[northernangel]

Sorry to hear this man! For me it's very easy and cut, if she goes before Glastonbury,  go and smash the pants off the festival and grab some drinks to toast her atop of park hill or however you think would be nice there. Maybe like think of her favourite food and grab it while there.

If she is still with you, stay home as it's not overall a stellar Glastonbury lineup you are missing. It's not that it's a case vs lineup but you can miss it knowing, you didn't miss anything that's an absolute must see in the grand scheme or won't be around again.

I've got some acts there I really fancy seeing but none are going to compare to those last moments. It won't be what she would ironically want you to do, it's what you could cope with moving forward. My mum's been ill recently with a bad leg infection that got borderline and sometimes when she closed her eyes and went to sleep through meds....I just made sure it was just sleep. Had that have been worse then I'd have sacked it off without a second thought. The money would mean nothing to lose.

[gooner1990]

My Dad got cancer in late 2010 and battled it for a number of years.

 

in 2017 the day before I was due to go to Glastonbury he had a bad turn, I drove from Oxford to Kent to see him with my brother and Grandmother.

 

Whilst he was awake, he was quite ill and my brother and Gran said they would stay with him…I was then faced with a decision of staying there, missing the festival and telling my mates to make their own plans etc. I spoke to the Dr who said it was my own decision, that he wasn’t expected to die etc but I thought I should stay.

 

Told my Dad I was staying and he said ‘no, life is for living go to Glastonbury and if something happens someone will call you’

 

I went to the festival, but it was on my mind a lot, texts from family etc, friends at the festival asking how he was etc, I didn’t really relax whilst there and only cut loose one maybe two nights there.

 

Dad recovered and was out of hospital by the time I left the festival, sadly though he did eventually die in Feb 2018.

 

i think though if my mum was on her death bed I would only go if she’d passed by the time I was due to go to the festival. Perhaps keep the ticket and if she dies before see how you feel at the time?  No need to make a decision yet. 

[hodgey123]

1 hour ago, gooner1990 said:

My Dad got cancer in late 2010 and battled it for a number of years.

 

in 2017 the day before I was due to go to Glastonbury he had a bad turn, I drove from Oxford to Kent to see him with my brother and Grandmother.

 

Whilst he was awake, he was quite ill and my brother and Gran said they would stay with him…I was then faced with a decision of staying there, missing the festival and telling my mates to make their own plans etc. I spoke to the Dr who said it was my own decision, that he wasn’t expected to die etc but I thought I should stay.

 

Told my Dad I was staying and he said ‘no, life is for living go to Glastonbury and if something happens someone will call you’

 

I went to the festival, but it was on my mind a lot, texts from family etc, friends at the festival asking how he was etc, I didn’t really relax whilst there and only cut loose one maybe two nights there.

 

Dad recovered and was out of hospital by the time I left the festival, sadly though he did eventually die in Feb 2018.

 

i think though if my mum was on her death bed I would only go if she’d passed by the time I was due to go to the festival. Perhaps keep the ticket and if she dies before see how you feel at the time?  No need to make a decision yet. 

I think this is where I am at in terms of if she dies before. And after the night I just had in hospital with her, that is looking likely 😔

[irnkrtn]

10 hours ago, hodgey123 said:

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice. 
 

My Mum is in the end stages of terminal cancer. She has been in hospital all week and gradually deteriorating and won’t be coming home. My fiancé and I have tickets to the festival with a large group and I am very torn on what to do either if she dies before the festival or if death seems to be imminent during the festival. I would like to be there when she dies as I feel that is right, but I also feel she would not want anyone to cancel anything in order to mourn etc. What would you do in my situation? 

Hey - I lost my mom in September so I can offer you some reflection on the aftermath. 
 

First of all bloody hell I am so sorry. What a horror of a time and the emotions and logic bypasses you must be experiencing - just sending you some love.

 

The only thing I would offer as actual advice is it’s your personal mourning - even though there will be others around you experiencing maybe grief of the same magnitude you have the right to do it however you want to, and you shouldn’t feel obliged to be one way or another. So if going to Glastonbury is what you need to do or want to do - you should do that. Absolutely no one can tell you or judge you on what you should or shouldn’t do.

 

I would also say keep your options open. You don’t need to formally decide anything. You can enter the festival at any point as long as you don’t have coach tickets. 

 

You said you want to be there when she passes, so you have already answered the Q for if she’s still with you. 

 

You need to be able to answer these questions for yourself:

 

If she passes before the festival, that time of mourning you cannot predict what it is you are going to want to do. So as above I wouldn’t make a firm decision. You have choices so keep them. If she passes during, and you want to be there and immediately leave - that’s legit. 

 

I don’t know your family situation but you might want to be with and around specific loved ones. If they aren’t at the festival you won’t want to go. You might also want space from them or to do things alone, or to be with them but have that week etc  - all totally legit. 

 

You might also really want it and need it - in which case get there and go.

 

You need to know that the people you are going with are safe for you. You might go through a huge range of emotions and if they are people who can’t hold that, be chill, have space for you - it might cause more pain. You might also be calm and fine and just need a release. You just don’t know what the emotional journey is gonna be and it’s ok to take it however you need to. If that means you need to go in a different make up of that group, or just camp with your partner and meet up with them - do it. Put you first here. 
 

You will probably be very tired. The main symptom of all the immediate grief I was feeling was I needed to sleep a lot and go for a lot of naps. Factor that in. 
 

You need to be able to leave at any point, so do have a plan for that. 
 

Unless you have a specific religious need for an early funeral you wont miss that as you choose the date and you can avoid when people are on holiday and such. 
 

And on the mourning - you aren’t going to mourn in a linear fashion. It’s 9 months today since my mom passed and I am very conscious that Glastonbury might be painful and raw because it’s an emotional space for me, but also that’s OK. Even though my mom never went you realise the interrelations between her and everything you are, in a way I was never conscious of before. I had to have a little sit and feel my feels outside Lidl last week because I went down the camping aisle and boom, I was just back at being 16 and buying my first crap camping backpack in Lidl with my mom to go to Glastonbury. You aren’t going to outrun your emotions so you need to decide if, in that period of time, you would rather feel them in your house, in Lidl, or at the cider bus. A very personal choice. 

 

The very early days for me are hard to recall actually, I was trying to remember what days I did what but I can’t. It’s going to be very very raw and new to begin with. For me, it was THERE but I was ok, I could do things. I was probably in shock for a good two months. I needed mental stimulation so I went to a tech conference/show thing exactly a week after. I met some people from my industry there who didn’t know my mom had died and had some small conversations about other things and I really needed it. I think my dad would have shoved me out the door and told me I had to go to Glastonbury if it was a week after. 

Big big love to you friend. And genuine offer - if you do go and you need to talk to someone drop me a DM here, I will be there and I found being able to talk to people who had lost their mom, it brought me a different bit of clarity and understanding. 

Edited June 13 by irnkrtn