Glastonbury Giggles

[Glastolad]

Glastonbury Factoids

If all the women who attend Glasto were laid end to end, no-one would be in the least surprised.

Michael Eavis's shiny head is used as an aircraft carrier for flies.

All the excreta deposited by festival goers over the five days of the festival is distributed by crop sprayer over the town of West Bromwich-the locals there run into the streets in supplication and joy as the oomska hits them, believing that the S*it God Of the Skies is rewarding them for having such an unattractive accent.

The New Bands Stage does not exist.

The pyramid stage is only 1% visible. Like an iceberg, the majority of the stage, some 9 and a half miles, is actually underground. The structure is used by mud tunneling invertebrates and moles as a meeting place, adventure playground and makeshift gym.

Billy Bragg has never left the Glastonbury site and occupies an eyrie up an oak tree near Pennards Field. Here he hunts for carrion by garroting prey with mandolin strings lent to him by Steve Hillage.

The stone circle is just one piece of an ancient piece of insulting graffiti left by druids to cheese off Christians living in the fields across the valley. Archaeological research has shown that the O of the circle was originally part of a huge stone sentence that said F**k Off God Botherers.

The famous superfence is lent every year by Hollywood behemoth Marlon Brando. The seven mile reinforced metal is used in his home as a track to stop his wheelchair disappearing into the earth as he pushes his fat arse about his grotesque estate.

The famous big wheel in the circus field is actually a giant cog in an underground mill. Patrons who pay their three pounds are unwillingly helping to grind up puppy bones for the burgeoning Somerset glue industry.

The dance field is built on a negative ley line, thus regularly being voted the most bad-vibed of all of Glasto's fields. Symptoms include eyes like stained glass windows, varnished off-green complexions, murderous rows between Burberry charvers and a large percentage of women who look like readers wives.

Van Morrison has been dead for nearly nine years. His regular Glasto performances are the result of animatronics fixed in his arse and bits of fishing wire pinned to his flabby white Irish arms.

Revellers who camp under pylons for the five days of the festival are 56% more likely to tell their friends they camped under the pylons for the five days of the festival.

The famous Glasto communal showers are fitted with Big Brother style hidden cameras. the hundreds of hours of footage of lush festival chicks shampooing their thatch are sold abroad in video form under the titles "Hippy Slick", where it is Europe's biggest porn seller.

Keith Allen is haunted by childish nightmares and is afraid of the dark, and can only sleep at night if Alex James or Damien Hirst allow him to put his winky in their mouths as he's dozing

off.

Glasto's eco-friendly image does not extend to the crew and stage hands, who traditionally wear panda-fur gloves while moving band instruments.

During the course of the five day festival, the men who attend will have a total of 1.25 million erections. If they were put one on top of one another it would make a highly amusing screen saver.

Marc Bolan, who headlined the first festival in 1971 was attacked by squirrels before his midnight set. The gang, all grey's from Exeter, steamed Bolan's dressing room armed with biro's, twigs and lolly sticks. After stealing plectrums and a quantity of Watney's Pale Ale, they made good their escape on a skateboard pulled by a large labrador. Bolan later immortalised the incident in the song "Bushy-Tailed Heavy-Duty Lolly-Stick Skater-Gang Baby".

U2 refuse to play Glastonbury because lead singer Bono Vox is allergic to sighs.

The weight of "Pilton Smeg" carried under male foreskins as they journey back on Monday morning, is estimated at over a quarter of a ton, enough to spread on over 8,000,000 Matzo's, or 10,000,000 standard Jacob's Crackers.

Emily Eavis used to stage mini Glastonbury Festival's as a child, by tearing up money, not sleeping and sitting next to an unflushed toilet while playing music on a fisher price music centre a quarter of a mile away.

The Glastonbury nature reserve has animals in it not found anywhere else outside the site. These include the Piss Swan (Urinatas Ammonium Gaggus), the Beer Can Toad (Specialus Brewus Canyaspareusfiftypeeyafeckinbasturds) and the Turd Fish (Portaloo Fullup Hadadump Inthepondus)

The Green Fields are so named after the naivety of those who spend a fortune on "healing" crystals, "alternative" thearapies and other New Age poodlew*nk.

The complete lack of atmosphere in the second stage field is created by a special pagan ceremony carried out every year by the Stereophonics.

Emily Eavis goes like a steamhammer.

All the mime artists seen during the festival are humanely destroyed on Monday morning with hammers by Pilton Young Nazi's.

The coneheads are really funny. For about five seconds.

Juggling at Glastonbury is like masturbation. It should only be done in public by the exceptionally skilled.

Rolf Harris's wobbleboard is made from the bonnet of Princess Diana's crashed Mercedes.

The menstrual cycle of women on the site begins to conincde after the first day, it's estimated that if the festival went on for a month, the PMS levels would be enough to power a small family-run kiln.

The first ever pyramid stage was made out of crisps.

The cross on the hill opposite the stone circle is the actual cross of Calvary on which Our Lord died. It was bought at a car boot sale in Tiverton after being bought to England by Joseph of Arimethea. "And did those feet in ancient times, drag a big cross to a car boot sale" (Jerusalem-trad. arrangement)

Over 20,000 people were killed on the first day of Glastonbury 97, almost as many as died on the first day of the Somme.

It's estimated taht over 100kg of weed is smoked over the five days of the festival-enough to keep Finlay Quaye supplied for over two hours.

The infamous gun battle of Glasto '94 was between two disgruntled horses. A dispute started between the two mares, believed to be in their early twenties, after one of them accused the other of looking at her apple. Blows were exchanged and then gunshots exchanged near Yeoman's Bridge. The two horses were arrested and later released after promising to play nicely. Eight people were killed in the crossfire.

Glastonbury 1998 has gone down as the wettest on record with over nine feet of rain recorded in three days. Thousands died, but there was a real spirit of fun shown by the survivors who watched performances by the likes of Grumbleflange, Cackwibble and Taunton-based rockers Formaldehyde Arse Pantry from little floating stages made out of the inflatable mattresses of the dead.

The Glastonbury Town Band who play every Sunday at the festival, have some famous names amongst their number. Former Nazi propaganda minister, Josef Goebbels is on euphonium, Peter Sutcliffe plays vibes, and the French Horn is blown by none other than Pablo Picasso.

The Tiny Tea Tent is owned and managed by Osama Bin Laden.

Glastonbury 1995 was the worst for crime, with over 2000 people being stolen. Many were dumped in nearby hedgerows, but a great number more were sold on the black market as hat-stands, garden ornaments and shelving struts.

There were red faces all round at the 1981 Glastonbury Fayre, which despite being sponsored by CND, was marred by five nuclear explosions caused by revellers smuggling in ballistic weapons to light up the night sky.

Sara Cox, Zoe Ball and that bloke off of T4 obtain backstage passes to the festival every year by fellating the homeless for charity.

Fatboy Slim has played at five consecutive Glastonbury's with exactly the same records every year.

Every year, the clear up operation yields unusual finds, among the most bizarre were a portable abbatoir with polyester wings, a cool box full of monkey placentas and the Ark Of the Covenant.

Over 1,000,000 litres of beer are drunk by revellers over the five days of the festival; enough to drown 500,000 dogs, 3.5million gerbils and over 20 billion ants.

The average bra cup size of female festival goers is 34C, average male penis length is 8.4cms. Rarely do the two meet.

The combined B.O. of festival goers by Sunday afternoon is equivalent to 200,000 widowed pensioners or 80,000 shouty tramps.

The Glastonbury cows spend the festival ski-ing in the French alps. The slalom-loving freisians wear special skies joined at the middle to stop their legs splaying out and their udders freezing on the Froggy permafrost.

In 1994 a main stage laser was set on so high a setting that it threatened world security, with the result that James Bond had to abseil in disguised as a boiler-suited minion and blow the main stage up with big explosions and stuff.

Michael Eavis's head hair is used to make merkins for Princess Anne.

During Yes's infamous Sunday afternoon set last year, the phrase "For f*ck's sake" was uttered over 12,000 times by the bored senseless crowd.

The amount of farts expelled by festival goers over the average weekend would fill over 90,000 Zeppelins; enough to give nearly a million disadvantaged children 2 hour sightseeing trips over the Pyrenees.

The longest ever gig at Glastonbury was the Verve's 1994 appearance where they played for over five days-over half of which was the same chord sequence while Richard Ashcroft ponced around the stage like some ghastly toad.

Few people know that former Pink Floyd frontman, Roger Waters, appears yearly in the Kidz Field, where his one-on-one puppet show "Uncle Len and Fidget" has attracted widespread concern.

It's estimated that over 600 babies are conceived every year in the Fields of Avalon, 90% of whom will never see their father again.

During an extended jam during a gig on the Jazz World Stage, funk noodlers Los De Abajo briefly discovered "the thirteenth note". The note, believed to be an H#, wobbled briefly into life, before disappearing up the saxophonists arsehole.

That bloke who runs the Candle Powered Steam Boats stall by the Stone Circle, drives about his home town in a little wicker pod pulled by unemployed conveyancers.

The adhesive used on Glastonbury car park stickers is the same used to adhere heat resistant tiles to the Space Shuttle.

The mass comedown experienced by festival goers on the Tuesday after the festival creates such a strong atmosphere of depression, hopelessness and suicidal depression across the country, that for over nine hours the population offically becomes Belgian.

The most popular chord played by bands at the festival is E minor, closely followed by G, D, C and B7th. The least popular chord is Abminor5th diminished 6th add 9th augmented 4th, #7th (change at Uxbridge for Metropolitan Line. No service Sunday). The chord was only played once at the festival by Gong at their 1972 appearance, in the middle-eight of the song Turtle Head Cut-Off Anxiety.

The amount of sweat produced in the arse cracks and cleavages of festival goers in the 1995 heatwave was equivalent to that produced by Luciano Pavarotti eating a Beef Madras while climbing nine and a half stairs.

Macy Gray's performance in 2002 was rubbish. Well, it was though.

The largest pyramid of poo ascending over the seat of a Portaloo was 2 feet 8 inches, recorded in a lav just to the right of the main stage on 27 June 1997. The work, entitled "Struggle", was sealed with preservative and bought by Charles Saatchi to go alongside the other over-rated s*it he collects, and was among a host of piss-poor bad GCSE art that went up in flames at that East End warehouse yesterday.

Glastonbury security men have to have at least eight convictions for GBH, ten for common assault or one proven manslaughter charge against them to man the Superfence.

Before the advent of the Superfence, the most common way of getting into the festival for nothing was to murder a headlining band, have reconstructive plastic surgery to look like all the members, forge all relevant paperwork and administration, vaguely learn to play their set, hire a tinted tour coach and drive onto site, delivering a second rate performance on the Pyramid stage before disappearing into the crowd. See; Happy Mondays, Sterephonics, Spin Doctors, Blur 98, etc.

Waggon Shed Welfare, the oft quoted meeting place for the lost, injured or confused, is so named because it looks like a shed.

The famous "toilet reserved solely for the use of the Manic Street Preachers" in 2000, was a gateway to another dimension caused by a tear in the space time continuum. If either Nicky, Sean or that fat one who plays drums entered, they were immediately propelled to a parallel universe where their band still had integrity, musical diversity and a member who wasn't decomposing in the River Severn.

The bitterness displayed on these boards by those unable to get tickets is equivalent to over 200,000 cuckolded divorcees, 80,000 overlooked promotion candidates or Ipswich Town manager Joe "Mr. Potato Head" Royle.

The Glade got it's name from the raver's habit of sniffing solid gel air fresheners to get an extra high while "throwing shapes" under the influence of "disco biscuits".

If all the litter deposited on the ground at Glastonbury was placed in an enormous sack, the place would look a f*ck's sight tidier.

The Cider Bus is a real working bus and, for the rest of the year, specialises in transporting pissheads, shouty tramps and smacked-up charvers to and from DSS offices in Taunton.

Tie-dyed fabrics were officially banned from the festival in 1994. Anyone selling or wearing the psychadelic fabric can now be shot through the neck with hot javelins.

The famous Glastonbury hot-pear cider was invented after a cystitis sufferer pissed in a paper cup and left it on the counter of a stall. A thirsty reveller quaffed the contents, eulogised about the taste and a cult was born. Over eight hundred cystitis and non-specific urethritis sufferers are now fed fruit juice around the clock to supply thirsty festival goers.

The so called "shimmering angel" that appeared above the Pyramid stage during Melanie's set in 1971 was nothing more than a scout ship from a planned invasion of warmongering Venusians intent on taking over the Earth.

Sinead O'Connor cut short her 1990 headlining set as she; "wasn't feckin' angsty enoof". After deliberately stubbing her toe against a monitor, inducing her period two weeks early and forcing a Papist to grab her tits while shouting "F*ck the victims of the potato famine", she returned to the stage to deliver a storming performance.

During an average festival, girl's knickers spend approximately 1.2 hours around their ankles. About as much as they do when they're humping your best friend in a bedsit in Streatham Hill after telling you they're watching Friends videos at Beccy's place.

The Amish-style pancake place in the Acoustic field is staffed entirely by extras from the film Witness.

In 1991, a festival rest year, the entire valley was moved 2 feet to the left at a cost of over £89,000,000, ensuring that the long-drop toilets got an extra five minutes of extra daylight per festival; saving over £274 a year on lighting bills.

The death threat against Suzanne Vega at Glastonbury 1989, was issued by none other than nineteen-seventies wrestling favourite, Kendo Nagasaki. Vega's Glastonbury performance the previous year had been peppered with four letter insults against the be-masked fighter including "poofy spunkmunch", "gay ringtickler" and "girly legged, c*nt farter". Nagasaki later reduced the death threat to a challenge match, which Vega won by two falls and a submission.

Residents of the tipi field are not alternative at all, but are, in fact, all employees of a firm of Tewkesbury-based chartered accountants on a yearly team-building exercise. For the five days of the festival the number crunchers engender mutual trust by refusing to wipe their cracks with Wet Ones, wearing disgusting knitwear, looking down their noses at ordinary festval goers and pretending their kids are called things like Lil-Let, Hogweed, Lenor and s*it like that.

Rumour has it that a ghost train haunts the festival along the disused railway track by Pennard's Field. The legend started after human excreta, piss pools, toilet paper and litter was found every morning strewn along the half mile dirt lane. Supernatural experts have been brought in, but no-one has yet come up with a reasonable explanation about where the phantom poo and rubbish comes from.

Good weather for the festival is shipped in from the Camargue in France. Blue skies, blazing sun and high temperatures are ordered in advance and towed up from the southern French resort by hundreds of little balloons manned by Rhesus monkeys with vine cables. The deluges in 90, 97, and 98 were caused by the vine cables coming loose, after the errant primates began w*nking and throwing s*it at one another over Paignton.

Echo and the Bunnymen have never seen the sun at Glastonbury. Ian McCulloch has dismissed notions that the sun often shines at the festival as "a fookin' joke put about by poofy Southeners". Shown photo's of revellers with livid tans last year, McCulloch claimed that everyone had painted their faces with pink highlighter pens during the night to try and confuse him.

Joe Banana's Blanket Stall is so named because it sells a wide a variety of blankets.

The earliest mention of the Glastonbury Festival was from a manuscript written over 900 years ago:

"Yea, verily I camme upon the fieldes of Avalone, where a great gathering of smellie peoples had assembled what calleth it the Glastonburie Fayre. And lo, much debris wass strewned and the fieldes looked like sheete. On stages shaped like Pirramids many a minstrel played; somme were goode, some were not, and were discharged fromme the stage with flagons of warm pisse. I spyeth many a fitte bird with her tittes oot, and chavscum of greatte rankness, too. The aire was filled with perfumes of many ilk and grasse smoke of great densitie. But, a great pox cameth fromme the latrines, and poo and pisse ranne all about like Autumn rain. I partook me of many a cup of mead, and mandrake, and lo, was as c*nted as a pricke, and wan i awoke my shoes were gonne and my memorie could not recalle where the f*ck my tente were pitched. Wickede !"

(Gawain and the Blonde Slapper-Geoffrey of Bungle 1143)

The Blue Route into Glastonbury is so named because revellers caught in traffic queues are treated to live sex shows along the grass verges of Pilton's roads by the Somerset and District Amatuer Porn Society. The group, ranging in age from 18 to 45 specialise in greased felching, anal bagpiping and chuff farting.

Sexually frustrated performers on the Pyramid stage need not hunt for willing groupies. Since 1987, Rape Donkeys are on permanent standby to accommodate horny rockers as they come off stage. The donkeys, all from a nearby sanctuary, are specially bred for their pert bottoms, long tongues and yielding hindquarters. It's rumoured that dour warbler, Van Morrison only plays Glastonbury to get his yearly quota of mule snatch. "I'll take tuft whenever it's feckin' offered" grunted the fedora wearing miseryguts yesterday.

Clothes bought at festival market stalls are specially impregnanted with chemicals that immediately make them look embarrassing, ridiculous and utterly unwearable as soon as they are taken outside the perimeter fence.

In 1982, the first hot showers were introduced at the festival, with an ingenious pumping system spraying those inside with warm piss direct from the long drops. The scheme failed after sprinkler heads became blocked with jam rags and other piss-borne bog debris.

The Camper field got it's name after an extreme gay rights group made it their home in the early eighties. Puporting to be gayer than anyone else at the festival, the wild chutney ferrets eventually became part of the Glastonbury crew. They cruise the site every year on the back of a purple tractor where they bitch, dish out sibilant innuendo and praise hats.

The Miniscule of Sound, the smallest nightclub in the world, is in the Guinness book of records for another reason; it's the largest capacity ant disco in Western Europe.

Since the Superfence, Scousers have become a rare sight at Glastonbury, the last mating pair were spotted under a tarpaulin in the dance field in 2002. The male was spotted returning to it's nest where it regurgitated baked potato, falaffels and Special Brew down the female's throat.

The amount of mud deposited at motorway service station floors by revellers on their way home from the festival is approximately 1.3 tonnes, meaning that the festival site shrinks by almost 2% every year. In less than 40 years time Worthy Farm will only exist in micro form in Welcome Break mop heads, brooms and hoovers.

The masks worn at the Virtual Reality stall at Glastonbury show people hoovering, sat behind desks at work and slumped in front of the television scratching their nuts.

The Wise Crone cafe in the Green Fields is actually run by a wise crone. Hermione Niblet, 84, looks like Gollum licking piss off a live rail, but can programme CD players, do a Rubiks Cube in under a minute and understand the rules to Axis and Allies.

The "Gorilla's in a Cage" in the theatre field aren't real Gorilla's at all, but incredible rare Macaw apes from Papua New Guinea put in gorilla suits for a cheap laugh.

The many inflatables aound the site are kept up by a pumping system transferring hot air from the Leftfield tent, where malodorous anarcho-syndacalists drone on about property being theft, "the Man" and other tedious, proto-commie bollocks on a twenty four hous basis.

The average time between terrifyingly inept "guest speakers" coming on to the Pyramid stage between acts, feedback occuring, and the audiences toes curling up with collective embarrassment, is approximately 12.7 seconds.

The amount of noodles you get for a fiver at that big Chinese place on the corner of Market C is actually f*cking criminal.

Glastonbury tents are impossible to get into if the zip is done up all the way to the ground. Before revellers leave their canvas homes for the day, they can always be seen pulling the zip down as far as it will go, as it's thought that the magical ley-lines running through the Field of Avalon prevent the zips then being opened by anyone other than the rightful owner. Either that, or people are just being stupid.

Prince's much rumoured headlining set on the Sunday was cancelled as Michael Eavis was unable to fulfill the Minneapolis funkster's many backstage demands. These included; a naked Connect Four tournament backstage that he MUST win, a video of The Flumps soundtracked with female orgasms in his dressing room, and, perhaps most difficult of all, a willing audience prepared to listen to 90 minutes of his recent sub-Parliament, hit-less, guitar w*nkery.

The shortest gig ever at Glastonbury was by speed-metallers Extreme Noise Terror in 1988. The show, lasting 15 seconds, comprised of ten songs, including Filth Bastard, Cancer Creche and an extended 5 second version of their classic ballad; Baby, If You Love Me, Turn Around (And Kill Me With That Rusty Crowbar, You Diseased F*cking Bitch)

The most popular tent at Glasto is the green 2 man Eurohike dome,with approximately 20,000 on site every year. It's popularity is put down to it's easy assembly, warmth and the fact that it gives pissed men an excuse for "accidentally" entering the wrong tent at night to find girls in various stages of undress, etc.

Adolf Hitler was an avid festival goer in his youth, and was a regular attendee at the Munchen Uberglucklichfest in the early 1930's, where he witnessed, for the first time, the German tradition of taping off enormous areas of the camping site. Inspired by this mindless terrotorialism, he immediately formed the Nazi party, annexed the Sudentenland in 1938 and then began World War Two.Today, young festival Nazi's still section off acres of Glastonbury with webs of builders tape in tribute to Adolf, and also because they are anti-social, small-minded pricks who enjoy denying people their basic right of way.

Radiohead's Thom Yorke is always laughing and smiling off stage, and entertained the Glastonbury crew last year by doing Norman Wisdom impressions, body-popping and telling off-colour rugby jokes while baring his arse. To achieve his on-stage miserablist persona, Yorke takes himself away for ten minutes and thinks about puppies having their paws smashed with hammers in labs to make cosmetics for vacuous blondes. By world leaders. Who enjoy it. And that.

The man with the pigeon on the end of a long stick is Nesmith Framp, 26, of Denny Lane, Nantwich. Far from being an amusing festival goer, entertaining and confusing revellers with an overlong avian emblem, he is, in fact, a heartbroken bird breeder trying to attact the attention of Nigel, his beloved mature Kestrel that went missing at the festival some three years ago.

On a similar note, the man who carries a pair of Y-Fronts around on the end of a pole is incontinent festival goer Boothby Yallop. Yallop, 34, cacks his dunghampers around three times a day, and always has one crapty pair on, one pair in soak and one pair up the pole, airing in the breeze.

The gap between the crush barrier and the stage is set at 11 feet 4 inches exactly; the precise distance that pop stars always keep between themselves and the great unwashed to stop them catching "Poor", "Boring" or other airborne welfare-state diseases.

Anyone who feels depressed and miserable after this years festival should try and remember Debbie Harry's "dancing" during Blondie's 1999 Glastonbury appearance. Recalling her spazzy, pissed-Aunty style sidestepping would bring a smile to even Leonard Cohen's face.

The Worker's Beer Tent's are staffed, ironically, by workshy dole monkeys in it for the free piss.

Girls who wander round the festival with fairy wings attached to their backs can't actually fly, especially the 14 stone Goth ones in them clumpy platform shoes.

Didgeridoo's first made an appearance at the festival in 1976 as hand carved "fanny-funnels", to help girls piss whilst standing up.

Vincent Bethell, the bearded "Protest Naked" campaigner is, ironically, unable to have a slash if someone is standing next to him at a urinal.

The gates are opening an hour later this year to allow over two million of those fat green fly's that hover by the long-drops, to fly in from the Sudan.

The Sugababe's Glastonbury set last year prompted a unique meterological event over the valley-a Burberry chav rainbow.

How security has changed ! In 1971 admission to the festival was gained by handing over a clump of dry grass, by 1981 it was a piece of A5 paper with "glasstenberie-let me in" written in crayon. This year's tickets are hand carved in platinum, invisible, and contain a micro-thin DNA sample which will be matched at the gate by stewards armed with intrusive anal swabs and microscopes.

Festival favourite Bez's system is so drug addled that after shagging a groupie in 1998, the former Happy Monday's member was successfully prosecuted for "possession with intent to supply".

The gallons of toothpaste spat outside tent flaps every morning at the festival, soaks into the ground and eventually makes it's way back into the water system, giving Somerset folk the whitest teeth in England. Sadly, the vast amounts of urine that make the same trip, means their breath stinks like bag-ladies bog flaps.

The 20 vacuum-tankers or "S*it Wagons" are powered by Oxfam volunteers, who syphon up poo by sucking on the pipe with their nasty, frayed lips. Anyone who accidentally get's a "Log Gob", while performing their duties, has to kiss fellow "tatter-mouth", Zoe Ball, by way of forfeit.

Thousands of sticks of incense are sold at the festival every year to counteract nasty niffs. The most popular fragrances are; Pan's Silent Waft, Gandalfs Ring, Tart's Window Box and Brighton Jugglers Bedsit.

Glastonbury Tor is one part of an enormous Pagan representation of the great earth mother. The Tor and Avebury represent the breasts, the New Forest her bush, while Southampton is uncanny as the rank, sweaty ringpiece.

In 1994, when Nicky Wire announced from the Glastonbury stage that "They should built a couple of flyovers over this s*ithole", the bad vibes generated from the Green Futures Fields caused the Manic Street Preachers to drop a rather expensive vase as they left the site later that day.

There are 2500 Portaloo's at Glastonbury; enough for every man to render utterly unusable by Thursday morning.

If all the Rizla's used at the festival were stuck together, Howard Marks would fill it full of grass and smoke the f*cker for breakfast.

Great far-fetched Glastonbury rumours over the years have included; "Pink Floyd are playing", "Cliff Richard is dead", "The Rolling Stones are the mystery guest" and "Nelly Furtado was really good".

The rain-drenched festival of 1998 was frequently compared to World War One battlefield, The Somme, and with good reason; hundreds of entrenched German festival-goers took out their frustration at the conditions by gassing the Dance Tent, shelling the Kidz Field and mowing down thousands of revellers with a heavy machine gun.

Beth Orton's Pyramid stage performance last year was so soporific, that she is now officially declared a Class C drug.

Knitwear sported by Acoustic tent fans is specially woven from wool produced by sheep with no friends.

The Cure arrived on stage some 45 mnutes late for their 1990 headlining appearance, as the band were waiting for the crowd to get introspective enough. The correct mood was eventually achieved by playing a tape of screaming children while slides of everyone's dead Grandparents were shown.

Clown hats with bells on them, a popular festival staple, are the only man-made object ever produced, guaranteed to make everyone look like a c*nt.

The 1995 Glastonbury festival was hot, but plagued by an annoying wind that knocked over paper cups, gusted at mallards, and made women's nipples hard. After a five hour stand-off on Sunday afternoon, the wind, 35mph, of no fixed address, was eventually arrested near the Theatre Field, after throwing grit into the face of a mime.

1992 saw the first appearance of Cressworld in the Green Fields, a five-acre multi-media centre dedicated entirely to the versatile culinary garnish. Among the attractions was a cinema playing classic movies re-shot to emphasise the role of cress, including the Ipcress File, Cress of the D'Urbervilles, Last Tango in Cress, The Postman Always Knock's Cress, Apocalypse Cress, The Charge of The Cress Brigade, Schindlers Cress and Cress Encounters of the Cress Cress.

Glastonbury 2000 was rife with controversy after Michae Eavis released 12 North American grizzly bears at festival bottlenecks to encourage everyone to walk faster. After 45 people were torn to pieces and hundreds more injured, Eavis reluctantly removed the bears, and replaced them with speed-addled charvers armed with catapults and ball-bearings.

Emergency crews were called out to the 1995 Glastonbury Festival, after a fire in the Fire Field caught fire. The fire, made of wooden performers, had been burning normally when it suddenly burst into flames. Flames were destroyed, smoke was damaged and embers burnt as the blaze took hold. The Somerset and Avon fire crew was at the scene for three days, unsure of where the bad fire ended and the nice one began.

The 1999 festival saw the first recorded incident of 'tent-rage'. Reveller, Earnest Moynes, knocked on the flaps of his neighbours tent to ask for a cup of absinthe for his neice, when the tent suddenly lashed out. After karate chopping him in the windpipe and assaulting his lags, the 2 man Eurohike made off towards the Glade on it's groundsheet. The tent was later arrested in the Kidz Field, claiming people had been hitting it all weekend and it had just had enough.

A drunken music fan caused havoc in the Tiny Tea Tent in 1997. The fan, a Pifco Cool-Air 2000 blew joints apart, messed up girls hair and threw beer at it's whirling blades, spraying revellers in the process. A mobile phone, also arrested at the scene, was later released without being charged.

1981 saw the first suicide at the festival, when an Oak tree near Pennards Hill Field threw itself in front of a tour bus. The tree, believed to be in it's 90's, had become depressed by the deaths of several close friends to the furniture industry, and after leaving a note, keeled over like an old biddy on ice. Fifteen people in the bus that struck it were also killed.

Revellers at this years festival are being encouraged to donate blood at a medical tent in the Green Fields. Those nervous of needles can either be stabbed or struck in the face with shelves.

Dogs were banned from the festival in 1992, following an incident when a border collie was mugged as he walked back to his tent in the Pylon field. The dog, believed to be in his late teens, was set upon by three youths who demanded his collar, wallet and mobile phone. When the dog refused, they started scratching his tummy, and robbed him as he lay on his side, with his back leg twitching, all happy and that.

God made his first vist to Glastonburyin 1997, appearing at the Wise Crone Tent to sign copies of his new book Daisy's Double Date. The omnipresent deity, raconteur and author of the Old Testament treated the audience to some hilarious Jesus anecdotes, a question and answer session, and a slide show about why he made gibbons.

Although many theories have been put forward (see above), the traditional Glastonbury night cry of "Bollocks" actually began when revellers in Pennards Hill were asked to give a one-word review of Adamski's 1990 Pyramid stage performance to friends in the Glade.

Renovation work is going to begin on Michael Eavis after a grant from the national lottery was secured. Eavis, 109, who is Grade One listed, will be closed for 18 months while extensive repairs are carried out to the crumbling facade, and will re-open in early 2006 as a Gnu Sanctuary. A multi-storey car park was originally planned for the site, after Eavis fell into disrepair and became a target for squatters and vandals. After a campaign by the National Truss, he was bought for the nation in 1999.

Meteorological experts claim that clouds at the Glastonbury Festival may be extinct by the end of the decade if levels of tutting remain unchecked. The cumulative effect of festival-goers looking up at grey skies and tutting has seriously depleted cloud confidence, resulting in last years blue skies and high temperatures. This year, Greenpeace is to launch a campaign to encourage a more positive attitude to grey clouds called Cumulo Stratus Quo. Events will include cloud praising parties and the wearing of hats with smiley faces on top to boost cloud morale.

An exhibition of sighs will be the highlight of a New Arts Tent in the Green Fields this year. Entitled Huurr, the exhibition features over 80 sighs from all over the world, mostly by women. The centrepiece is the four-second epic, Huuuurgghhh !!, by Marianas Trench, believed to have been inspired by an old lady in front of her at the post office who got flustered and took years to pay for a stamp. Admission is free, payable in advance.

Lloyds bank are seeking planning permission to build a motorcycle Wall of Death in it's temporary offices at the festival. The bank wants to build the 20ft wooden structure in the foyer to dazzle fractious festival goers while their friends are being fleeced.

Chaos was caused at the 1992 Glastonbury Festival when aerial shots of the festival site were handed out to revellers by the NME on Saturday night. Thousands of people panicked and began stampeding, believing that the pictures had been taken by a 3000 ft giant armed with an enormous camera who was going to squash them and make them into soup and stuff. Order was restored only after frantic tannoy announcements reassured the spooked throng that the pictures had in fact been taken from an aeroplane. Over 200 people died in the crush.

Michael Eavis was inspired to hold the Glastonbury Festival after visiting the Isle of St.Claire Git Festival in 1969, during the so called 'Summer Of Gits'. Over 100,000 gits gathered to enjoy git artists like Led Zeppelin and Donovan, git till sunrise. Inspired by what he saw, the first festival at Worthy Farm was called the Glastonbury Git Fayre, attracting over 40,000 gits to see David "Git" Bowie gitting on the main stage after all the other gits had finished. The git.

THe policemen you see patrolling the site aren't real policemen at all; they're actors, and under Glastonbury by-laws can be assualted, spat at and verbally abused with total impunity. Go on. Try it.

The laser on top of the milk stall is visible from the outer reaches of the known universe.

The traditional "drumming up of the sun" every morning in the Stone Circle was cancelled in 1995 because of a strike by bongo players demanding pro rata pension rights with didgeridooists. As a result, the entire festival took place in pitch darkness, with revellers groping about the site with torches, candles and those napalm wax flares that take your f*cking eye out.

If all the cocaine snorted at the festival was placed in one line, John Leslie would have his breakfast sorted.

Tom Jones walked off stage after being pelted with girls knickers during his Sunday afternoon performance in 1994, claiming the 4-day crispy-batter gussets were making him lose his mojo.

Rage Against The Machine's incendiary 1994 appearance almost didn't go ahead because the band were having their faces painted with dolphins in the Kidz Field, and lost all track of time.

Long-lost Glastonbury traditions include the Goading of The Blondes. Up till 1979, over two hundred blondes were shipped in every year from the arse end of Bristol and goaded by Pyramid stage performers. The goading included making the blondes spell their own names, breathe without laughing and find their arses with both hands.

Giraffes were barred from the festival in 1982 after a gang of twenty with forged backstage passes assaulted staff, brought down power lines and ate CND banners whilst claiming to be the Tom Robinson Band.

The Samaritans tent by the farmhouse is manned by sarcastic scousers pissed-up on Kestrel, who laugh at any sign of weakness.

The old adage that "time disappears at Glastonbury" is true. What's equally true is that those endless hours are returned to you, with interest, whilst waiting to be served at Welcome Break services along the M4.

Joan Armatrading's 1994 Glastonbury appearance was marred by an onstage brawl betyween two drunken owls. The owls, both male Tawny's, were meant to do a little dance during the middle eight of Love and Affection, but arrived onstage drunk and immediately began fighting over the remains of a mouse by the bass monitor. After the gig, Armatrading culled the impercunious avians with a railway sleeper.

The paper cups used in Glastonbury beer tents were originally marketed as in-tent urinals, and many festivalgoers still use them as such. The 5 a.m. "fill and spill" involves several stages; the relief of pissing without having to go out, rising panic as the cup fills to the brim, and then a mild feeling of disgust as you hoy the steaming piss-chalice out of your tent flaps while briefly wishing you were at home in bed. Then wondering what your Mum would think.

However incendiary, life-changing, mesmeric and truly astonishing a Pyramid Stage headliner may be, the entire crowd will utterly ignore them the moment a £10 firework is fired over the trees.

King's Meadow is so called because pop paedo Jonathon King had a stall there for eight years where he tickled teenage boys for a fiver.

During Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine's 1992 headlining show, a strange ticking sound was heard across the main arena. The sound was eventually discovered to be their fifteen minutes of fame coming to an end.

The Men They Couldn't Hang were, ironically, all hanged after their 1987 festival appearance by boisterous festivalgoers up to prove them wrong.

The Square Pie Company is so called because it's staffed entirely by boring c*nts.

This year sees the introduction of the so-called "w*nk Police" at Glastonbury to encourage revellers not to w*nk in the site's many hedgerows, ditches and streams. Indiscriminate w*nking by tens of thousands of festival goers has polluted waterways and harmed local wildlife. Last year, shrews, field mice and cormorants were all treated at Pilton RSPCA, many of them stiff or half-blind with knots of crusty man-jam.

The message this year: DON'T BE AN INDISCRIMINATE w*nkER ! w*nkING HARMS FISH, POLLUTES RIVERS AND ADHERES LITTER TOGETHER. IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THE FESTIVAL, w*nk RESPONSIBLY IN ONE OF THE MANY HUNDREDS OF 'SEMENALS' ON SITE. w*nk YOU.

(Girls are encouraged to w*nk in the Stone Circle, like that trollied bird did last year, because it doesn't pollute and it's nice to watch)

During the festival, the average reveller walks over 8 miles a day; over half this distance is taken up with the zig-zagging and wild detours required to traverse prone bodies as you make the 100 yard journey to and from the beer tent.

The most common injury dealt with at the medical tent is minor burns caused by campfires and primus stoves. The least common is cuts to the back of the legs caused by a falling chandelier as you try and extract a Goethe novel from a badger set.

[nobby the happy snail]

Strange? I seem to recall that being a lot funnier the first time I read it.

[Glastolad]

Strange? I seem to recall that being a lot funnier the first time I read it.

Edited June 5, 2006 by Glastolad

[bus]

What an utterly pointless and "killjoy" comment that was!

[Glastolad]

ignore the snail, he's just being an arse again, you'll get used to it

Most importantly, welcome to efestivals new person

[Taikonaut]

Hehh, there are some good ones there. I've been on these boards years and never seen that so I don't know what Nobbys on about. Welcome

The Miniscule of Sound, the smallest nightclub in the world, is in the Guinness book of records for another reason; it's the largest capacity ant disco in Western Europe.

[parsonjack]

Phew, thanks!

I was unsure whether to post it in the first place because it is quite "risque" in places. Personally I p*ss myself laughing everytime I read it and just makes me want 2007 to come around even more.

Good to meet you all.

[DiscoDolly]

Loved it all cept maybe the reference to Carter USM. I thought they were excellent live and the perfect marrige of pop and punk..... much better to have a jump about to them than the bunch of absolute moaning crap that is Coldplay that Mr Eavis is so fond of. I still laughed mind you cos even if i didnt agree, it is still funny!

[Poprocks]

haha! i thought it was funny!

[bardo_me]

Nobby - we've told you before to stop scaring off the newbies

[bus]

speaking of which, welcome poprocks by the way

you newbie people doing any other festivals this year with the big g not happening?

[TalkShow Bob]

I was hoping for a condenced vertion somewhere down here

[noonard]

Does anyone know who wrote that in the first place? Tis funny

[Glastolad]

Hope you don't mind me bumping this for those who may have missed it first time around.

Last viewing over a month ago.

Bit of a giggle for Friday afternoon.

[mamaswifty]

Well it's made me smile ,haven't seen it before Welcome Glastolad and Poprocks

[Vijay]

Glasto's eco-friendly image does not extend to the crew and stage hands, who traditionally wear panda-fur gloves while moving band instruments.

[Glastolad]

Bumping this for the new boarders.

[Katster]

I got bored after three or four. Sorry

Not that I'm a newbie or anything, but it was definately the first time I've seen this.....

[timespeedsup]

I got bored after three or four. Sorry

Not that I'm a newbie or anything, but it was definately the first time I've seen this.....

[Boris]

Many funny/silly/ clever bits in there. In some places quite offensive. But I suppose that might be why the rest of it is funny.

[ministe2003]

The adhesive used on Glastonbury car park stickers is the same used to adhere heat resistant tiles to the Space Shuttle.

The mass comedown experienced by festival goers on the Tuesday after the festival creates such a strong atmosphere of depression, hopelessness and suicidal depression across the country, that for over nine hours the population offically becomes Belgian.

Edited February 24, 2007 by ministe2003

[Glastolad]

Bump for the newbies!

[DesperateDad]

excellent

thanks Glastolad

[parsonjack]

it's that time of year again...been round lots of times before but bumped for the newbies...

[lloydmfd]

Bump