singles thread

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Been over all that. The best label I could find was Borderline Personality Disorder. But then, she issued me with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some traits were undeniable. But we're all fucked. It's simply this. People want to be themselves. And there's nothing better than being yourself with someone who finds you attractive. But people aren't always themselves. Life gets in the way and some of the underlying issues that people carry can't be dealt with by the other person.

That's all I've got....

Not everyone is fucked. I have some examples within my immediate family of where two people have married very happily (OK, I'm sure they argue sometimes, that's only natural really) and are themselves. They'll get issues to deal with like a lot of other people but they tackle them together as a team. Just trying to say it's not all doomed to failure.

I agree with what you say that there's nothing better than being yourself with someone who finds you attractive. Yes, that's a lovely feeling - as long as it's reciprocated and stays that way, then you're onto a winner. Had it once but lost track of the reciprocrating bit and ended up blowing the relationship apart. I'd cut off a limb to be able to go back in time and rectify that mistake. I lost my soul partner and you don't get two of them in life. That's what drives me mad day in day out (PS - I hasten to add that I'm not referring to the bunny boiler I went out with).

[feral chile]

Been over all that. The best label I could find was Borderline Personality Disorder. But then, she issued me with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some traits were undeniable. But we're all fucked. It's simply this. People want to be themselves. And there's nothing better than being yourself with someone who finds you attractive. But people aren't always themselves. Life gets in the way and some of the underlying issues that people carry can't be dealt with by the other person.

That's all I've got....

Are you competing with her for personality disorders?

Ditch the labels. People don't quite fit into predefined categories. Work out what you want, find out what she wants, and decide if you each find the other person reasonable.

Show compassion towards the other person's insecurities and frailties. But consider their impact on you, and how yours impact on them.

If you're unable to accept her as she is, and she's unable to accept you as you are, is it just your treatment of each other that needs to change?

If so, can you do it?

Oh, and make sure what it is that you're finding attractive. Often it's what the person represents, rather than the person themselves.

[feral chile]

Not everyone is fucked. I have some examples within my immediate family of where two people have married very happily (OK, I'm sure they argue sometimes, that's only natural really) and are themselves. They'll get issues to deal with like a lot of other people but they tackle them together as a team. Just trying to say it's not all doomed to failure.

I agree with what you say that there's nothing better than being yourself with someone who finds you attractive. Yes, that's a lovely feeling - as long as it's reciprocated and stays that way, then you're onto a winner. Had it once but lost track of the reciprocrating bit and ended up blowing the relationship apart. I'd cut off a limb to be able to go back in time and rectify that mistake. I lost my soul partner and you don't get two of them in life. That's what drives me mad day in day out (PS - I hasten to add that I'm not referring to the bunny boiler I went out with).

That's a very fatalistic attitude. Romantic, but unrealistic.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-the-numbers/201202/danger-beware-the-soul-mate-fallacy

There are seven billion people in the world and one soul mate out there somewhere for you to find, right?

Research has quite clearly shown that a strong belief in destiny can actually be harmful to you and your relationship. Here's why. Having the mentality of believing that you've found your soul mate is related to all kinds of unhealthy thinking about your love life.

You found someone you thought you could have a successful relationship with. it didn't work out. You probably both made mistakes. if it's impossible to try again with that person, then take what you've learnt and apply it when you meet someone new.

While you're thinking you've lost the one and only person, you're closing yourself off from new possibilities.

[Katster]

There are loads of 'ones'.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

if it's impossible to try again with that person, then take what you've learnt and apply it when you meet someone new.

While you're thinking you've lost the one and only person, you're closing yourself off from new possibilities.

Unfortunately it is impossible to try again with that person. I know I should move on but I find it very hard to do so. The thing is it was me that destroyed the relationship. I feel gulity about the hurt I caused and selfishly I feel like I want it all back like it was before.

I know I've got to move on but for about the last 7 years I haven't bothered seeking a relationship with someone because I've felt it wouldn't be fair to them with me feeling the way I do.

I take your point about needing to learn from my mistakes and apply it to a future relationship. I'll certainly be doing that should such a thing happen. I also understand that for the last 7 years I've been lying stagnant and wallowing in it. I do need to get out and meet someone as I want to share life with someone - the bad bits as well as the good. I even miss doing things like the supermarket shopping with a partner. Now that's sad. lol

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

There are loads of 'ones'.

You're probably right. I'm dwelling too much on the past which I can do nothing about. Maybe there is another 'one' out there and I'll know what to do and not what to do this time.

[feral chile]

Unfortunately it is impossible to try again with that person. I know I should move on but I find it very hard to do so. The thing is it was me that destroyed the relationship. I feel gulity about the hurt I caused and selfishly I feel like I want it all back like it was before.

I know I've got to move on but for about the last 7 years I haven't bothered seeking a relationship with someone because I've felt it wouldn't be fair to them with me feeling the way I do.

I take your point about needing to learn from my mistakes and apply it to a future relationship. I'll certainly be doing that should such a thing happen. I also understand that for the last 7 years I've been lying stagnant and wallowing in it. I do need to get out and meet someone as I want to share life with someone - the bad bits as well as the good. I even miss doing things like the supermarket shopping with a partner. Now that's sad. lol

you might have needed those 7 years to feel ready to move on - time's never wasted, sometimes we need to lick our wounds before wading in again.

And we all mentally 'redo' the things we wish we'd done differently - all part of the learning process.

guilt's a good thing - otherwise you'd repeat the same mistakes over and over, and never understand what's going wrong each time.

It's time now though to be objective, and give yourself some slack. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would one of your friends.

[AcademicPistol]

There are loads of 'ones'.

Around 7 billion roughly

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

you might have needed those 7 years to feel ready to move on - time's never wasted, sometimes we need to lick our wounds before wading in again.

And we all mentally 'redo' the things we wish we'd done differently - all part of the learning process.

guilt's a good thing - otherwise you'd repeat the same mistakes over and over, and never understand what's going wrong each time.

It's time now though to be objective, and give yourself some slack. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would one of your friends.

I think I did need those 7 years. I've never treated myself with the same compassion I would for friends. I'm a master at beating myself up. I would like to change that as it gets me nowhere and time's ticking away. Got to put some serious thought into this whole area and move forward.

[feral chile]

I think I did need those 7 years. I've never treated myself with the same compassion I would for friends. I'm a master at beating myself up. I would like to change that as it gets me nowhere and time's ticking away. Got to put some serious thought into this whole area and move forward.

yeah guilt's one of my things. It takes me a long time to be able to distance myself from the me that did the thing I feel guilty about.

But when i do, i think of the guilt as the thing that makes it alright. You wouldn't beat yourself up if you were without a conscience. And that's why you're never as bad as you're telling yourself you are. So don't let guilt stop you liking yourself.

[Katster]

You're probably right. I'm dwelling too much on the past which I can do nothing about. Maybe there is another 'one' out there and I'll know what to do and not what to do this time.

you might not. But all we can ever really do is what we think is right at the time.

[Katster]

Around 7 billion roughly

im determined to at least say hello to as many of them as possible

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

yeah guilt's one of my things. It takes me a long time to be able to distance myself from the me that did the thing I feel guilty about.

But when i do, i think of the guilt as the thing that makes it alright. You wouldn't beat yourself up if you were without a conscience. And that's why you're never as bad as you're telling yourself you are. So don't let guilt stop you liking yourself.

Yes, guilt can be a bit of a curse. I was brought up as a Roman Catholic and they can do guilt so well. I think I must have been tainted with it as a child and held on to it ever since. Then again I wouldn't have liked to have done the things I have and felt no guilt. That would make me a completely unacceptible person. I'll try to stop feeling guilty but it's been a part of me for so long that I don't expect overnight success. I'll just have to chip away at it. I might get a pen and paper out later on and try to unscamble my thoughts.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

you might not. But all we can ever really do is what we think is right at the time.

You're right I might not. I think I was trying to say I'd probably make fewer mistakes this time around. I know what's important now and what isn't. I know that my actions have consequences.

[AcademicPistol]

im determined to at least say hello to as many of them as possible

Me to! Genuinely I would love to break the world record (if there is one) for saying hello or shaking hands with the most people.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Me to! Genuinely I would love to break the world record (if there is one) for saying hello or shaking hands with the most people.

Wicki says this on the subject;

Atlantic City, New Jersey Mayor Joseph Lazarow was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for a July 1977 publicity stunt, in which the mayor shook more than 11,000 hands in a single day, breaking the record previously held by President Theodore Roosevelt, who had set the record with 8,510 handshakes at a White House reception on 1 January 1907

[worm]

Ditch the labels.

You sound exactly like my mother! We did. I was just demonstrating the point that labels are futile. I guess you missed that angle.

[worm]

Not everyone is fucked.

Again, angle missed. I was making the point that labels get you nowhere because you can apply them to pretty much anyone. Ergo, according to labels, everyone's fucked.

[feral chile]

You sound exactly like my mother! We did. I was just demonstrating the point that labels are futile. I guess you missed that angle.

Oh yeah i did miss the point then. Though if labels were futile, they'd also be harmless. and they're not.

[worm]

Oh yeah i did miss the point then. Though if labels were futile, they'd also be harmless. and they're not.

Futile in terms of trying to get a better understanding and fix things. If you're at that point, you're already on a downward spiral and labels aren't going to do a thing.

[eFestivals]

Futile in terms of trying to get a better understanding and fix things. If you're at that point, you're already on a downward spiral and labels aren't going to do a thing.

or alternatively, you can ignore the labels and keep lying to yourself - as you're managing to do pretty well here.

Fucked up over a woman displays itself in many ways.

[worm]

or alternatively, you can ignore the labels and keep lying to yourself - as you're managing to do pretty well here.

I've been found guilty of many things. Lying to myself is not one of them.

Fucked up over a woman displays itself in many ways.

Everyone does it at some point Chief. It's called being human.

[feral chile]

I've been found guilty of many things. Lying to myself is not one of them.

But how would you know? How could you catch yourself out?

[eFestivals]

I've been found guilty of many things. Lying to myself is not one of them.

I don't need to point out the fatal flaw in that thought process of course, given how much you believe you know about them.

Everyone does it at some point Chief. It's called being human.

absolutely - I'm not trying to take the piss about that.

Just your denial of it being applicable to you here.

[worm]

But how would you know? How could you catch yourself out?

Because you know when you lie. If you don't, then it's delusion, not lies.