The Joke Thread

[Dead throne]

One day, hear knock on door.

Man ask "Who is?"

"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"

Man is very excite and opens door.

Is not potato man, is secret police.

[Dead throne]

Two Latvian look at clouds.

One see potato. Other see impossible dream.

Is same cloud.

[POKERDUDE]

captain kirk's star trek lingerie firm has gone bust ....

it mighta been because of the name ... "shatner knickers" !!

[BlackHole2006]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"


A guy from the Deep South comes to New York and the indoor plumbing amazes him. He's so intrigued by the way the toilet works that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of **** parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

[POKERDUDE]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

A guy from the Deep South comes to New York and the indoor plumbing amazes him. He's so intrigued by the way the toilet works that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of **** parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

very, very poor

[POKERDUDE]

what's red & white and hunts at night?

a sanitary owl

[kushy26]

KIDNAP SCENE:

Kidnapper: Yo, I kidnapped your son, How much money can you give?

Father: $500,000

Kidnapper: No Way! The amount should have a "Million"!

Father: OK, Half a Million.

Kidnapper: OK! Deal!!!

[kushy26]

Lecturer: The lecturer is taking the class seriously.

One of the student looking towards the window side in the class room.

The lecturer asks the student "For what purpose you are coming to the school?"

Student: For vidhya sir(In Telugu Vidhya means Education).

Lecturer: Then why you are looking towards window?

Student: Vidhya(Girl friend) has not come upto now sir.

[Osama Jim Laden]

£7 for a pork bap, they can stuff it

[Chimps in Balaclavas]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

[Osama Jim Laden]

Watched a documentary last night on Dracula & Duckula..

Was awful, on both counts..

[eFestivals]

When they were married, Paul McCartney gave Heather Mills a plane for Christmas.

He gave her Immac for the other leg.

[Chimps in Balaclavas]

Just opened our presents from nan and my 5-year old son got a bottle of brandy.

Lucky bastard!

Alls I got were Spiderman pyjamas, which are way too small for me.

[Chimps in Balaclavas]

I was so embarrassed when my wife came home from work early, and found me wearing her wedding dress.

The dog wasn't bothered at all, he just sat there in his top hat wagging his tail.

[oneeye]

Why do dogs lick their cocks?

Because they can't make a fist

[mr_bizarre]

Q - Whats red and wraped up in newspaper?

A - Abortion of chips.

[Spiritinthesky]

A guy walks into a shop and says: “I’d like a gas cap for my KIA.” The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: “Ok, that seems like a fair trade.”

[GodlikeYeezus]

Venison burgers are deer

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Q. How did the cheese paint his wife?

A. He double Gloucester.

[oneeye]

Q. How did the cheese paint his wife?

A. He double Gloucester.

Cheesy joke

[Bisque]

Q: Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants?

A: Because Cherobyl fall out.

My favourite ever joke.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Cheesy joke

I used to work as a cheesemonger, but I camembert it any longer.

I can't help myself. It's like fucking Tourettes.

[Bisque]

Q: What cheese do you you use to hide a horse?

A: Mascarpone

2nd favourite joke.

[Bisque]

Q: How do you lure a bear out of a tree?

A: Camembert