How would you help an addict?

[Rufus Gwertigan]

Just wanted to start a bit of a chat on peoples attitudes to how families can help love ones that are addicted.

At the moment most of the people, except family, that are in my life are either addicts or have a history/connected to an addict. One friend has been trying to organise an intervention for her son (20). She has managed to get some impartial advice but I have been helping the family with the structure etc. However it came to a point when she asked me about what the sanctions should be. The idea of the intervention is to get her son, we will call him Bob, to try to "sort" his life out. I did discuss whether that was to limit his harmful use or purely stop, and they want him to stop. But when it came to the sanctions i.e. what they would do if he did not they looked to me.

Now I would not commit to anything, but we did discuss many thing like putting locks on bedroom doors to protect personal property and keeping valuables away. Also withholding financial assistance of any sort, all the way to kicking him out. End of the day I think they wanted me to say/recommend something to make themselves feel better about a difficult decision.

So to cut to the chase if you had a loved one that was an "addict" would you be willing to kick them out or would you persevere??

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

For family and certain friends I'd like to think I'd go through the fires of hell for. At the end of the day the most important things to me are my family and friends. The rest of the stuff, the job, the house, car etc are all relatively unimportant things in life. So I would persevere with them and not kick them out. Can you imagine the joy of getting them back to the way they were. Priceless.

That said, my words are all theory. I have had my own problems to deal with but have never had to actually deal with a situation whereby I am the one trying to help another.

[Ed209]

I realise this is a serious topic, but I genuinely read that as 'Tough Love or THC?' first time round ... which seemed like a terrible idea.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Ed209

[Chocscoffer]

I work with people who have had a previous substance misuse problem. Treatment all boils down to the individual. Somebody has to be ready to go through the process of overcoming addiction. Signposting to agencies and professionals in the field is a good idea but if the individual isn't wanting to address their addiction there is absolutely nothing anybody can do.

It is a difficult position for anybody to be in when they are looking at somebody they love go through addiction. I would definately advocate against locking anybody in their room. Detoxification from any substance needs to be monitored. Are there any detox units where you live? Or even a charity in the area who specialise in this sort of treatment.

It is a long process (and sometimes years of rehabilitation) and definately can't be sorted out by the short term fix of deprivation and locking somebody up.

[feral chile]

I don't think there's an easy answer to this. It must be so hurtful for the family to see what's happening to their loved one, and if there's theft involved and disruption to the family, especially if there are children involved, you wouldn't want to start to feel resentment. And that tends to happen if you feel things are outside your control.

Definitely try to get them help, if they're willing, and if there's a lot of family friction, try to get them a seperate place to stay, before relationships disintegrate entirely. It might be easier to give support from a distance.

but I don't know what effect that might have on the addict - if they feel abandoned, might that not drive them deeper into addiction?

It depends on individual circumstances, I suppose, what the family and the addict are prepared to accept, and how strong they are.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

I work with people who have had a previous substance misuse problem. Treatment all boils down to the individual. Somebody has to be ready to go through the process of overcoming addiction. Signposting to agencies and professionals in the field is a good idea but if the individual isn't wanting to address their addiction there is absolutely nothing anybody can do.

It is a difficult position for anybody to be in when they are looking at somebody they love go through addiction. I would definately advocate against locking anybody in their room. Detoxification from any substance needs to be monitored. Are there any detox units where you live? Or even a charity in the area who specialise in this sort of treatment.

It is a long process (and sometimes years of rehabilitation) and definately can't be sorted out by the short term fix of deprivation and locking somebody up.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

If you kick the addict out then it's highly likely that that will sever their remaining connection with perceived social norm's. Where will they stay and who will they stay with? More than likely the answers to both are going to be undesirable to the loved ones. In fact it's likely to exacerbate the problems. How long then before their actions get more disturbing - to the loved ones (if they ever get to know) and to the person themselves.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I work in this field. What I wanted was to get a debate going outside of my circle. My philosophy roughly is as follows:

Some people think an addict will not give up for 2 main reasons:

1. They get sick and tired or been sick and tired

2. A serious crisis which results in a major loss of some intrinsic (some call it rock bottom) and forces them to change.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

You mean an addict will give up for 2 main reasons don't you?

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Yes. Well done you get a green +1

[Rufus Gwertigan]

I don't think there's an easy answer to this. It must be so hurtful for the family to see what's happening to their loved one, and if there's theft involved and disruption to the family, especially if there are children involved, you wouldn't want to start to feel resentment. And that tends to happen if you feel things are outside your control.

Definitely try to get them help, if they're willing, and if there's a lot of family friction, try to get them a seperate place to stay, before relationships disintegrate entirely. It might be easier to give support from a distance.

but I don't know what effect that might have on the addict - if they feel abandoned, might that not drive them deeper into addiction?

It depends on individual circumstances, I suppose, what the family and the addict are prepared to accept, and how strong they are.

[feral chile]

But does the family not have a right to a quality of life? I do not believe in the addiction as an illness thingy, but if it is then it is like a cancer, and medicine tries to cut that cancer out surely?

Now that is a very simplistic view. I believe that you cannot help anyone if you cannot look after yourself. That goes for families. Everyone wants to help the "addict" but by doing so I think often they cover for them and that just enables their addiction. I may be wrong but I think that at the end of the day they need to realise the negative consequences of their behaviour.

I have told my kids "Experiment with drugs/drink as much as you want but never expect me to pick up the pieces". So far it has worked 19 and 21 year old.

[markeee]

I think it#'s a tough one, too much 'tough love# and it could make them worse perhaps? But if you keep helping them financially and providing somewhere to live then it may allow them to keep living their chosen lifestyle as they manage to get by just about with your help..hmm

[Steve P]

A lot depends on the relationship of the family with that person i guess. If it's always been strong then then interevntion stands a much better chance of working I guess. I had a friend that went through a fairly serious coke addiction. In the end having spoken to him about it, I told him that i'd be there to give help when he'd decided to stop, but that I couldn't and wouldn't see him again until he was ready to give up. Tough to do, and no idea if it really helped him to realise he had a problem, but he is clean again now and has been for a good few years.

[lifelessfool]

My family had to do the same with my brother, he was constantly being admitted to hospital to the psychiatric ward usually brought on through substances. Ever since I can remember the same vicious circle continued, brother gets better, mum and dad help out financially, he wastes money gets re admitted. Then last year after racking up £60,000 worth of debt to my mum and dad they finally decided enough was enough, and kicked him out. This has worked wonders he seems somewhat more "back to normal" and it has been a year since he was in hospital. We still check up on him and councilors?(I'm not sure of the title but they nip round once a month) also keep us up to date as well as running regular checks. So I reckon the tough love probably is the best option.

[rachbon]

i couldn't imagine ever abandoning someone i really care about. i wouldn't do it if they had any other illness and addiction should be no different.

i think you have to be very careful when considering locking them in a room though.. you can't force someone into going cold turkey. the mental and physical consequences of that could be devestating.

it's easy to say you would be there for them when you've never been in that situation though. if it gets to the point where looking after them is taking over your life, maybe you would reach a point where you have to let go.

[markeee]

i couldn't imagine ever abandoning someone i really care about. i wouldn't do it if they had any other illness and addiction should be no different.

i think you have to be very careful when considering locking them in a room though.. you can't force someone into going cold turkey. the mental and physical consequences of that could be devestating.

it's easy to say you would be there for them when you've never been in that situation though. if it gets to the point where looking after them is taking over your life, maybe you would reach a point where you have to let go.

[feral chile]

I think you've got it right, you cant force someone to do anything and people saying how they would do this and that until it's you in that situation..who knows

but yea if it's taking over your life looking after them I guess what choice do you have, I imagine when it gets to that stage it would be both physically and mentally draining for the person trying to help