Relationships

[zahidf]

So, what's the best way to get over someone you have really strong unrequited feelings for?

[feral chile]

Do you have any contact with them - are they friends or colleagues?

If not, a clean break if possible. psychologists know that one of the factors in attraction is proximity. If you don't see the person, your feelings will become more manageable.

[jump]

Generally I found the excitement of a new relationship makes me forget exs the best, otherwise it's hard to tell as people need closure in different forms from figuring out exactly what went wrong in the relationship or the other person getting married so they are completely unavailable in their mind.

And like feral said a clean break is best, the whole lets be friends is generally bollocks,

[LondonTom]

[feral chile]

yes, jump makes a good point. Attraction is a chemical response, based on physical attractiveness and pheromones. The emotional attachment comes afterwards. So if you try to keep yourself socially active, it increases the possibility of finding other people attractive, and that'll lessen the pain.

[zahidf]

yes, jump makes a good point. Attraction is a chemical response, based on physical attractiveness and pheromones. The emotional attachment comes afterwards. So if you try to keep yourself socially active, it increases the possibility of finding other people attractive, and that'll lessen the pain.

Edited July 26, 2013 by zahidf

[jump]

Its very much emotional, with physical a secondary thing.

She's been one of my best friends for the last 4 years, and i'm just finding it hard to get over the fact that she has no feelings like that for me, and never will. We haven't discussed it openly, but it's obvious she knows now, and wants some space.

[feral chile]

I don't want you to feel pressured into disclosing too much, but what I'm sensing is that something's happened to make her aware of how you feel, and it didn't go well. It might be worth clearing the air around that, even if you still then need to give each other space.

If she's been your best friend all this time, then she must care for you, I've had situations like this when I was younger, and the loss of a close friend is painful to the woman too. Emotional closeness is primary for women, as you're probably aware.

[Guest]

I'm not sure looking to start a new relationship in order to get over a previous one is necessarily a great option. I think we, some of us, feel a lot of pressure to be in relationships, sacrificing what I believe is a necessary part of life, which is enjoying your own company, and learning(/experiencing) how to do that. You can get emotional closeness from close friends and/or family.

And as has been pointed out, you might be misunderstanding the situation... it has to be good to clarify what's going on.

Edited July 26, 2013 by tonyblair

[feral chile]

I'm not sure looking to start a new relationship in order to get over a previous one is necessarily a great option. I think we, some of us, feel a lot of pressure to be in relationships, sacrificing what I believe is a necessary part of life, which is enjoying your own company, and learning(/experiencing) how to do that. You can get emotional closeness from close friends and/or family.

And as has been pointed out, you might be misunderstanding the situation... it has to be good to clarify what's going on.

[Guest]

I agree with this - I didn't realise at first that there had been a previous relationship. It's not fair on a new person to go into a relationship when you still have more than physical attraction for someone else.

it's so much more difficult when there's an existing friendship. It's not just dealing with disappointment and rejection, but a loss.

It's extremely difficult to sustain a friendship when one person wants more - particularly for men, I think.

[feral chile]

Yes.. I'm not sure there was a relationship. I'm just thinking of the "get-ting over someone you have really strong unrequited feelings for". Starting a new relationship simply to get over over something, can be ok in the short-term, but ultimately, you haven't 'got over' or come to terms with what you're trying to understand. That could be something you might have to deal with in itself in the end, the lack of understanding of what happened, and simple acceptance could be what's needed.

[Guest]

I meant the friendship - there's already an emotional commitment. So it's gone past the first stage of attraction.

[jump]

I'm not sure looking to start a new relationship in order to get over a previous one is necessarily a great option. I think we, some of us, feel a lot of pressure to be in relationships, sacrificing what I believe is a necessary part of life, which is enjoying your own company, and learning(/experiencing) how to do that. You can get emotional closeness from close friends and/or family.

And as has been pointed out, you might be misunderstanding the situation... it has to be good to clarify what's going on.

[feral chile]

That emotional commitment thing. Happens to me all the time! It's crippling....

[feral chile]

I agree with a lot of that but a fling, a few dates or whatever the kids want to call it a doesn't have to mean a proper relationship, I personally find it helps boost my self worth, establish that there are other people in the world and the few early dates where you typically try new things/places help keeps your mind distracted. It's also good to help get out of the same social circle where the they require updates all the time or have a white elephant in the room, which is currently going on with a couple I know who just broke up.

[jump]

I know what you mean, I'd agree in cases where you've developed an interest in someone, but although attraction feels powerful and romantic, it's still just lust and biology pushing you to mate. So if your potential mate isn't interested, it's best to channel your interest elsewhere, and biology will do the rest.

but with friendship, you've already bonded, it's more complicated.

[BlackHole2006]

[nightcrawler13]

i feel for you

This is what I would do (have done)....

• Write down a list of her faults
• Sit and think about each of them for a couple minutes just to remind you that she's just a normal person, not some perfect being
• Imagine her at her worst (drunk, being sick, angry)
• Draw that version of her on a piece of paper, screw it up, throw it away
• Go on Plenty of Fish and chat to some girls, I'm not saying get a girlfriend, but just look at the tens of thousands of females that happen to exist just in the area you live
• Try and imagine all of them stood in a field, then try and multiply them by 350,000, realise that is how many women exist in the world, and that there will be hundreds if not thousands of women who you would probably get along with better then this girl
• Go out with some friends to go dancing somewhere, get drunk if that's your thing, and just enjoy chatting to new and interesting people
• Remember that there are roughly 3,500,000 females on our planet and you have yet to scratch the surface of 1% in regards to how many you have interacted with
• Realise that putting so much focus on this one, that doesn't even appreciate how great you are, is crazy, and that you shouldn't waste any more heart ache on her
• Live your life
• Be happy

[feral chile]

i feel for you

This is what I would do (have done)....

• Write down a list of her faults
• Sit and think about each of them for a couple minutes just to remind you that she's just a normal person, not some perfect being
• Imagine her at her worst (drunk, being sick, angry)
• Draw that version of her on a piece of paper, screw it up, throw it away
• Go on Plenty of Fish and chat to some girls, I'm not saying get a girlfriend, but just look at the tens of thousands of females that happen to exist just in the area you live
• Try and imagine all of them stood in a field, then try and multiply them by 350,000, realise that is how many women exist in the world, and that there will be hundreds if not thousands of women who you would probably get along with better then this girl
• Go out with some friends to go dancing somewhere, get drunk if that's your thing, and just enjoy chatting to new and interesting people
• Remember that there are roughly 3,500,000 females on our planet and you have yet to scratch the surface of 1% in regards to how many you have interacted with
• Realise that putting so much focus on this one, that doesn't even appreciate how great you are, is crazy, and that you shouldn't waste any more heart ache on her
• Live your life
• Be happy

[TheGayTent]

You lot think far too much. Over analysis is bad for you on a lot of occasions.

[feral chile]

You lot think far too much. Over analysis is bad for you on a lot of occasions.

[TheGayTent]

A question was asked, and answers were provided. I don't think any of the answers provided suggested to dwell on the past by over analysing it.

That's when over analysis is bad.

Edited July 26, 2013 by TheGayTent

[feral chile]

Who mentioned dwelling on the past?

Were any answers given? Or were they merely opinions?

[Guest]

You lot think far too much. Over analysis is bad for you on a lot of occasions.