Robin Williams.

[feral chile]

But I feel on the spot and forced.I'm not a natural speaker.Takes me to see someone a few times before I can feel relaxed and just chat.Even though we are good friends I feel like a stranger in a way and find it hard to be at ease.

I feel bad for saying this as it somehow makes me feel like I'm making it about me when I know it's him who's going through the tough times.This is the only place I can talk about it though as none of our joint friends know about his issues and he is on all my social media things.

I can't pretend it's easy, by any means, trying to stay positive for my step mum took a serious toll on my mental health. It's good that you can come on here to talk about it, if you do decide you can support him, you'll need your own support.

He might not want to talk about it, he might just need to know that you accept him and don't judge him for being ill. Does he know you're aware of his condition? Presumably so, since he's prepared to let you visit him in hospital.

You can only do what you feel able to do. You're not responsible for him, but you are responsible for your own health, so that has to come first, or you won't be able to help anyway. There's nothing wrong in putting your own needs first, in fact, speaking from experience, it's sensible to do so.

Edited August 27, 2014 by feral chile

[metallimuse]

Aye he knows I know and he has sent me messages telling me he wants to kill himself he just hasn't said how he tried,I found that out through his family and his ex.He talks about being in hospital and obviously I know why but doesn't ever go into detail,which I can kind of understand.

The kicker for me this time is I saw him last weekend and he was in out and fine and then the bank holiday he's obviously tried something again.

[feral chile]

Aye he knows I know and he has sent me messages telling me he wants to kill himself he just hasn't said how he tried,I found that out through his family and his ex.He talks about being in hospital and obviously I know why but doesn't ever go into detail,which I can kind of understand.

The kicker for me this time is I saw him last weekend and he was in out and fine and then the bank holiday he's obviously tried something again.

Yes, it's probably come as a shock to you. Depression has a way of sneaking up on you, and it's often a case of one step forward, two steps back.

Just make sure you look after yourself, too, when someone's hurting like this and you can't make it better, it's a strain on everyone who cares, as well.

Edited August 27, 2014 by feral chile

[Guest]

But I feel on the spot and forced.I'm not a natural speaker.Takes me to see someone a few times before I can feel relaxed and just chat.Even though we are good friends I feel like a stranger in a way and find it hard to be at ease.

I feel bad for saying this as it somehow makes me feel like I'm making it about me when I know it's him who's going through the tough times.This is the only place I can talk about it though as none of our joint friends know about his issues and he is on all my social media things.

It is hard. I was going to say what ferel said, about him possibly wanting someone to just be normal. But that isn't always easy. I have a friend now who's in hospital suffering from depression and alcohol withdrawal. I've known him for years, but I don't know what to say to him. I try and visit with someone else, which takes some pressure off (me!) and even just talking about something, anything that might not have anything to do with him is a healthy distraction. It was the same when my mum was ill. She used to just enjoy listening to us chatting about everyday stuff. She could join in when she felt like it.

Sometimes, just being blunt and asking why he wants to do what he's threatening to do could be a conversation, an awkward one maybe..... I don't know how well you know him though.

As has been pointed out, you can try and guess what he might want to hear, but you can get that wrong. But then that's the same a lot of the time... I was talking to a colleague at work who said that someone had asked her if she'd lost some weight - which she is trying to do - and she replied "what do you mean, do you think I was fat before?"... I'd have thought it would be a compliment, but, well, sometimes you can't win!

As ferel and I have both said, you should give some thought to how you're dealing with this. Without realising it, you can get brought down by it too, then you'll be less use to anyone!

Edited August 28, 2014 by tonyblair

[TheGayTent]

metallimuse - there's no right answer and it isn't easy. But just by caring and doing what you can is enough, don't beat yourself up about it - you're doing a great job.

[zero000]

Good advice by Feral, Tony and TGT. Try not to worry about saying the wrong thing. People often worry that directly addressing someone about their mental health will make things worse somehow. It won't. The worst that can happen is that the person doesn't want to talk about it and the best is that you can take some of the burden off their shoulders.

[mandolin]

I think there has been great advice on here. I don't have much personal experience but quite a lot of professional experience of being with people who are seriously depressed. I think when people are feeling that bad that they actually want to take their own life but, somehow, fail to do it and then they are (often, not always) immediately more depressed because they didn't succeed and then try to talk themselves back into the "normal" world because that is what is expected of them or the medication they have been put on stops all extremes of emotion. If they ask you to be there it is because they want your company. There is something about you that makes their life just a little better. You don't need to be any different. They will still be the person you chose to spent time with previously. You don't need to talk about what they have tried to do - but allow them to talk about it if they bring it up. Don't think that you have to fix anything. Your friend's/relative's depression may be news to you but it won't be to them.

All of that was heartfelt and well-meaning but I know that it could be misconstrued. That's how you will feel when you are with someone you care about who has (for a second/minute/hour/week/year/decade) not been able to care about themselves. Trust yourself. Trust them. Know that each of you have choices and each of you do what you need to.

[atomised]

Can't really add anything to the superb advice already given. I think you're doing exactly as I would in the situation. It does sound as though your friend needs you to be as normal as possible and its probably a great help to them