What women (don't) want.

[feral chile]

mmm....what men (don't) want....apparently

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/men-like-the-idea-of-a-smart-woman-but-they-may-not-be-interested-in-dating-one_5627a564e4b02f6a900ed2aa?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

[feral chile]

 

 

This consent video has a bit of resonance for me, as it's an argument oft used in my teen years of being the only female in a bunch of males -'if I was thirsty you'd make me a cup of tea, so what's the difference?'

I'm assuming this was a common theme then:

http://metro.co.uk/2015/10/28/this-new-sexual-consent-and-tea-video-from-the-police-is-brilliant-5466392/

 

[feral chile]

Reading back through some of the things on here regarding casual sexual abuse, how do males fare these days? Do they get randomly propositioned by females now? Do they get women misinterpreting men smiling at them, being friendly etc.? Do they get accused of leading women on, etc.?

If women do show interest, how do men feel about it? is it flattering, threatening, anxiety provoking (how am I sending out the wrong message etc.?)

Do women still get this, do they feel it's still a problem?

[kaosmark2]

I've been randomly groped a fair few times. On the street as well as in bars /clubs. It always made me uncomfortable. 

Any other display of interest, even if not reciprocated, I find flattering, although sadly they seem to happen rarely. 

[feral chile]

Do you think the women knew they were being out of order, or genuinely believed you would be flattered?

 

[zero000]

I've been randomly groped quite a lot. Usually by lary, pissed up middle aged women. It's not great, but I try to ignore it and shake it off. Sadly it's never been by any one vaguely attractive, though that still shouldn't make it acceptable.

On the opposite side of the coin, I was out once with my ex-girlfriend and we were walking home from a club around 3am. Out of nowhere this pissed up guy grabbed her arse as she was walking by. She turned around and just swung for him causing him to fall over and she continued swinging at him when he was on the floor. I stopped her in the end along with this arseholes' friend, but with some regret. It was delightful to see a cretin get their comeuppance. 

[kaosmark2]

Several of the girls who groped me were attractive, but it didn't stop it being unpleasant. If you're not expecting it and encouraging it it feels violating. I can only imagine it's worse for girls.

I think there's an expectation that any guy is automatically interested /horny and eager for any female attention. The behaviour that follows that, from both genders, had always made me disappointed at best. 

[feral chile]

Did you feel you could express your discomfort, or did that add to the unpleasantness?

[feral chile]

Doesn't it depend on who's doing the groping? I'd imagine some men like it and some feel uncomfortable. Probably the same for some women. 

 

I don't know if anyone would like actually being groped, it might be different for 'flirting' or calling out to someone, I suspect that might seem more threatening to a female than to a male.

I got groped by an overexcited teenager once, while I was with some female friends after the rugby, and I felt like the perv, because I was in my 40s.You just want to give a safety lecture to them.

I wonder if there's an element of that with men, or whether it feels the same as when women get groped (by a man who could be a threat)..

I would imagine there's lots of situations like that for men, with drunken women etc., where they feel wrongfooted through no fault of their own, and need to distance themselves.

Edited November 1, 2015 by feral chile

[kaosmark2]

Did you feel you could express your discomfort, or did that add to the unpleasantness?

Not really, to both parts of that question. I mean, there wasn't any follow up, and I didn't really want to talk to someone who'd groped me.

[kaosmark2]

are we talking about random groping.... just walking up to someone and groping? As opposed to some kind of over-amorous friendly fondling? 

Random groping by people I'd never communicated with before. Friends/flirts fondling is a different thing.

[feral chile]

Random groping by people I'd never communicated with before. Friends/flirts fondling is a different thing.

I didn't realise that happened to men as well.

[kaosmark2]

I didn't realise that happened to men as well.

I think it surprises a lot of people. It surprised me first couple of times. I guess it's partially because it's not the sort of thing guys are meant to complain about.

[eFestivals]

Reading back through some of the things on here regarding casual sexual abuse, how do males fare these days? Do they get randomly propositioned by females now? Do they get women misinterpreting men smiling at them, being friendly etc.? Do they get accused of leading women on, etc.?

If women do show interest, how do men feel about it? is it flattering, threatening, anxiety provoking (how am I sending out the wrong message etc.?)

it's a while since I've been in 'the dating game', but last time I was, I was sometimes almost beating them off with a stick, and being accused by some of leading them on.

So yes, it happens.

.

[fred quimby]

I was sometimes almost beating them off with a stick,

.

*Bites tongue*

[feral chile]

Do people think this is because of changes to society - a new ladette culture etc., women taking more control of their sexuality, or part of the same issue with gender stereotypes, men being perceived as studs, and therefore fair game, and not feeling able to complain?

[eFestivals]

*Bites tongue*

It was probably down to my lack of interest at the time. Such things have never actually happened if I've been wanting to pull.

[eFestivals]

Do people think this is because of changes to society - a new ladette culture etc., women taking more control of their sexuality, or part of the same issue with gender stereotypes, men being perceived as studs, and therefore fair game, and not feeling able to complain?

Changes, yes. 'Laddete', no.

I'd say what came my way was just about a more even gender culture, without there being any particular slant to it.

[russycarps]

Wow there are a lot of liars in this thread

[kaosmark2]

Wow there are a lot of liars in this thread

You talking about guys not likely random girls coming up behind them and groping them?

[feral chile]

You talking about guys not likely random girls coming up behind them and groping them?

if so, it's interesting that switching genders wouldn't have raised any eyebrows at all.

While I imagine the scale of this is much more weighted towards women getting groped, it does raise the question of how often the reality is hidden by social pressure and disbelief.

 

[eFestivals]

if so, it's interesting that switching genders wouldn't have raised any eyebrows at all.

While I imagine the scale of this is much more weighted towards women getting groped, it does raise the question of how often the reality is hidden by social pressure and disbelief.

 

When I've been groped by a woman it's been clear from their side that they think "it's a laugh". Personally I've found it far too aggressive to be that 'laugh'.

Which is, I suspect, much how it often is from the other side.

[gary1979666]

I think we'd be better off focusing on the fact that unwanted 'groping' is not a good thing, whatever the gender.

I wonder how much it (the groping) has to do with some people's inability to be, sort of 'normal', in the company of people they want to attract. But then, you hear people joking about how they'd like to be randomly touched up by a stranger....

I guess it's whether wanting unwanted attention is really unwanted.  Or is it the line between fantasy and reality - i.e. the want of attention vs violating your space.

[russycarps]

The issue of men being groped cant possibly be ranked alongside a woman being groped can it?

While I cant recall ever having been groped randomly (unlike you hunks it seems), if it did happen it may well be unwanted and an invasion of my personal space, but that's about as far as it goes. There would be no sinister threat that things could escalate further. (Unless you're being mauled by a pack of women I suppose).

Whereas a woman being groped by a man surely immediately feels far more vulnerable and probably wonders whether things could escalate to rape.

I reckon anyway.

 

[grumpyhack]

I was at a fest once when a woman dancing in front of me put her hands behind her bum and deliberately reversed back into me and starting groping. It was really wierd and I ran a mile.  Not that I've ever groped anyone, but it was interesting to experience what it must feel like to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention.