poll How to wipe??

[The Placid Casual]

Just now, Will-2609 said:

Your entire arse isn't touching the seat, is it? There's a gap all the way round the back; you ram your arm down there.

Effort! Seems more prone to error too.

[Gucci Piggy]

Just now, The Placid Casual said:

Effort! Seems more prone to error too.

Standing up while you wipe is more effort, surely?

When I'm at home I do it leisurely anyway. I'll sit on my phone and have an occasional wipe until I'm satisfied.

[Amy Lawn]

1 minute ago, Will-2609 said:

Your entire arse isn't touching the seat, is it? There's a gap all the way round the back; you ram your arm down there.

Get a load of Mr enormo-toilet over here.

Even if there was sufficient space behind my bum for me to awkwardly shove my arm, I certainly wouldn't want to be blindly entering the putrid excrement hole. I always knew you were a wrongun.

[The Placid Casual]

Just now, Will-2609 said:

Standing up while you wipe is more effort, surely?

When I'm at home I do it leisurely anyway. I'll sit on my phone and have an occasional wipe until I'm satisfied.

You can be on your phone and wipe while standing. You don't use 2 hands to wipe.

 

The extra effort put in to standing is negligible for someone who doesn't have difficulty standing.

[Gucci Piggy]

Just now, GETOFFAMYLAWN said:

Get a load of Mr enormo-toilet over here.

Even if there was sufficient space behind my bum for me to awkwardly shove my arm, I certainly wouldn't want to be blindly entering the putrid excrement hole. I always knew you were a wrongun.

You're only supposed to put your hand to your arse, not start splashing around in the bottom of the toilet.

[The Placid Casual]

2 minutes ago, GETOFFAMYLAWN said:

Get a load of Mr enormo-toilet over here.

Even if there was sufficient space behind my bum for me to awkwardly shove my arm, I certainly wouldn't want to be blindly entering the putrid excrement hole. I always knew you were a wrongun.

Can we give this post a shit load (pun not intended) of upvotes?

[Gnomicide]

Mr Enormo-toilet may be my new favourite thing

I used to stand as a child but have since seen the error of my ways. Must be some right fat arsed gits if they need to stand.

Anyhoo... fold or scrunch is the real burning issue.

[The Placid Casual]

Just now, Gnomicide said:

Mr Enormo-toilet may be my new favourite thing

I used to stand as a child but have since seen the error of my ways. Must be some right fat arsed gits if they need to stand.

Anyhoo... fold or scrunch is the real burning issue.

It's more or less a force of habit.

 

Also fold.

[Gucci Piggy]

8 minutes ago, Gnomicide said:

Mr Enormo-toilet may be my new favourite thing

I used to stand as a child but have since seen the error of my ways. Must be some right fat arsed gits if they need to stand.

Anyhoo... fold or scrunch is the real burning issue.

Who the fuck scrunches?!

And I'm going to change my member title to Mr Enormo-Toilet in memory of this moment.

[the wonderwhy]

1 hour ago, Will-2609 said:

And even if you do, why would you turn around and face the toilet?

They're the people who don't lock the cubicle door. They like to live life on the edge. 

[Gucci Piggy]

20 minutes ago, MattDavies__ said:

They're the people who don't lock the cubicle door. They like to live life on the edge. 

I once had to rush to the toilet in a bar whilst on a night out at uni. The lock on the door was broken so I told my mate to watch it. He didn't. A guy walked in and I was just sat there. He worked in my uni halls and served me dinner the next day. So bad. Actually he served me in the bar again the other day. It's a long-standing connection.

[LondonTom]

5 hours ago, Frankly Mr Shankly said:

Wet wipes to make sure it's crystal clean, bog roll to dry the old ring up afterwards. Sorted.

This is the one! (Though I accidentally voted flat loo roll) and while standing!

Do the sitters risk it at Glastonbury to? Putting their hand into the long drop hole?! 

[jonodillieono]

I wipe while sitting but from back to front... so I slide my hand through the front past the family jewels. I've heard rumours that this is quite unhygenic and could potentially lead to shittyballs syndrome but it's too much of a habbit to change now so fuck it

I do this at festivals too unless the toilet is particulary full which in that case I'll stand in a squatting position and wipe front to back

[Gucci Piggy]

1 hour ago, LondonTom said:

This is the one! (Though I accidentally voted flat loo roll) and while standing!

Do the sitters risk it at Glastonbury to? Putting their hand into the long drop hole?! 

Why do all you standers think we ram our hands as far as possible down the toilet? In reality your hand is barely going to be any lower than than your arse already was.

14 minutes ago, jonodillieono said:

I wipe while sitting but from back to front... so I slide my hand through the front past the family jewels. I've heard rumours that this is quite unhygenic and could potentially lead to shittyballs syndrome but it's too much of a habbit to change now so fuck it

I do this at festivals too unless the toilet is particulary full which in that case I'll stand in a squatting position and wipe front to back

I used to do that but stopped because I read you aren't supposed to go back to front. However, I think that's just for females, because there's nowhere on the male body it could make its way into, and poo on your scrotum wouldn't be an issue. Didn't want to take any risks, though, so I changed my ways.

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

4 hours ago, Will-2609 said:

and poo on your scrotum wouldn't be an issue. 

Maybe not for you, you dirty bastard... But I like my dingleberries to smell like fresh cherries. 

[Untz]

I'll wipe when sitting when at home, but doing that at Glastonbury is dangerous. I find the seats a little too high anyway so it's a precarious situation as it is.

I scrunch my toilet paper. 

Wipe back to front for a pee and front to back for a shit.

I hope I've covered everything.

[Woffy]

What percentage of sitters are readers (whilst shitting)?

Surely the standers are depriving themselves of this luxury. Surely you can't read and post on esfestivals whilst having a shit (as I am now) if you're standshitting?!

Also, what if it's a real stubborn, reluctant, shyshit or a vindapoo or a ke-poob and you need to really take your time and let your arse recover? Are you standing that whole time?

Fascinating.

[Untz]

I don't understand how or why people take so long on the toilet that they need reading material. Eat some fibre.

[Respectfatfrog]

sit down no rush sort of guy here (peace on the bog is what I'm after).

shorts down phone out back to front I have always wondered if I'm doing it wrong and use way to much paper.

if your standing can you miss at the long drops does this explain the odd shit round the pan is just pissed people missing badly or not having time to aim after a dodgy burger???

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

22 minutes ago, Woffy said:

What percentage of sitters are readers (whilst shitting)?

Surely the standers are depriving themselves of this luxury. Surely you can't read and post on esfestivals whilst having a shit (as I am now) if you're standshitting?!

Also, what if it's a real stubborn, reluctant, shyshit or a vindapoo or a ke-poob and you need to really take your time and let your arse recover? Are you standing that whole time?

Fascinating.

I don't think anybody mentioned standing to actually shit, only to wipe?

 

Personaly I like to perch shit, with my feet up on the seat either side of me, purched like an elegant owl. 

[LeeGalvin]

Oh Christ!

What have I just read while eating my breakfast?

[Respectfatfrog]

thread of the year

[stuartbert two hats]

9 minutes ago, Frankly Mr Shankly said:

I don't think anybody mentioned standing to actually shit, only to wipe?

 

Personaly I like to perch shit, with my feet up on the seat either side of me, purched like an elegant owl. 

You are the enemy. Squat shitters are the worst.

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

2 minutes ago, stuartbert two hats said:

You are the enemy. Squat shitters are the worst.

I do not squat my good man, I perch, like an elegant owl.

[Woffy]

42 minutes ago, Frankly Mr Shankly said:

I don't think anybody mentioned standing to actually shit, only to wipe?

 

Personaly I like to perch shit, with my feet up on the seat either side of me, purched like an elegant owl. 

Ahhhh, I seeeeeee. Thought it was weird. But have mentioned this in the office this morning and the first bloke to respond - an ex-brickie - has just informed me he never lets his arse touch the toilet seat ever except at home. He blames this habit on having to shit in a bucket on building sites when younger. He won't even sit on the toilet seat in his apartment at a 5 star resort in Mexico apparently.

Whoda thunk it.