Glastonbury Mental Health

[TheDayman]

17 hours ago, ModernMan said:

This was just a lovely reply thank you so much ♥️

No worries dude, one day at a time ✌️✌️

[Kalopsia]

Recently my mental health has worsened dramatically, increasing my medication hasn't helped still on the waiting list for therapy and just trying to get myself out of bed has been impossible. I thought it can't actually get worse, that nothing would hurt me anymore until last night. 

Last night I was told by my employer that I'm being made redundant, effective immediately (I've looked and they can actually do this) so now I'm without any statutory sick pay, crippling depression, high levels of insomnia and recently discovered I have BPD.

I really hope this doesn't come across as a pity party but I'm really struggling right now and will probably have to return my glastonbury ticket as I need the money. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Kalopsia

[Spindles]

I'm sorry to hear life is so shitty for you right now.  I've been through/am going through a similar situation (apart from redundancy) and in the weirdest turn of events of my life my boss has (and I do not exaggerate) saved my life.

Please reach out to your local crisis team.  This redundancy situation is something that is more than you can be expected to cope with on top of the difficulties with your mental health.  There are people that can help to ensure that you don't just crash your life impulsively because of the overwhelming nature of all this.  

I was in the same boat with cancelling the ticket, but talked myself out of it.  Now that I'm recovering this provides me with something to look forward to, to aim for that will be challenging for me but also rewarding.  I'd like to think that in a few weeks you might feel the same way about your cherished golden ticket.

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Spindles

[blutarsky]

On 3/18/2022 at 8:39 AM, Kalopsia said:

Recently my mental health has worsened dramatically, increasing my medication hasn't helped still on the waiting list for therapy and just trying to get myself out of bed has been impossible. I thought it can't actually get worse, that nothing would hurt me anymore until last night. 

Last night I was told by my employer that I'm being made redundant, effective immediately (I've looked and they can actually do this) so now I'm without any statutory sick pay, crippling depression, high levels of insomnia and recently discovered I have BPD.

I really hope this doesn't come across as a pity party but I'm really struggling right now and will probably have to return my glastonbury ticket as I need the money. 

Really sorry to hear this. Life can be a c**t from time to time and it sounds like you’re taking a good kicking right now. 
Do try to get out and about - a little bit of fresh hair has a big impact on your oxytocin levels and taking a few small steps can help move things in the right direction. 
Hopefully you have people around you who can help. If you haven’t reached out to them yet, please do. No man is an island etc! 

[Zoo Music Girl]

On 3/13/2022 at 5:01 PM, Supernintendo Chalmers said:

Can I just add that it's really heartening and encouraging to hear people share their thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities on here, I know how difficult it can be. And also, thank you to everyone who's offered an empathetic ear. I can't stress how important both factors are and anyone feeling like they need to vent, it's great to think that this is a safe space to do so, either on this thread or privately

Would absolutely echo this. I ran out of up votes really quickly, but was delighted to see this thread back again.

Talking about these things is definitely good. I feel very lucky that I can talk to my other half about pretty much everything, but also there can come a point where you need something external to that or you can't just rely on them so heavily all the time. I'm very grateful to have him, though, this last year maybe more than ever.

I'm struggling with anxiety that comes and goes - it can be debilitating but then I feel totally normal and happy so it's hard to see it as a constant problem I need to medicate for. I'm not completely against meds and they have been recommended to me by others but I don't yet think I'm in a place I need them all the time. I'm trying to stay open to it though.

As others have said, plenty of people do really well on them. Some of the closest people to me in my life take citalopram and sertraline respectively and report nothing but good things so it can definitely work. If you try them and it's not for you then there's nothing lost - just make sure to come off them safely.

I've had a shitter of a few years, starting with my best friend's death from cancer, then my partner's dad being diagnosed with cancer, then another of my best friends who is still with us and in constant treatment. Then my mum died last summer. This is all on top of some existing anxiety and the pandemic and has left me feeling unable to cope at times, but part of me thinks its understandable to react this way to these difficult things. The trick for me is finding ways to cope.

Pre pandemic I relied on stuff like Glastonbury, gigs and holidays to get me through. I'd always be looking for the next fun thing to get me through. It's not that sustainable though and the last couple of years have forced me to look for simple pleasures and find happiness in the day to day. Not always easy and I'm lucky to live with a great partner who helps me, which of course not everyone has.

Exercise definitely helps. Have kept up that habit for best part of 15 years now. Can be hard to motivate yourself if you're new to it but when you find something you like and make it a habit it helps so much. No matter how shit I feel, yoga, spin or even just a walk tends to clear the cobwebs at least a little. Appreciate how hard that can be for some, though.

I started seeing a psychotherapist weekly at the end of December. I wasn't 100% sure it was helping but I was hopeful that the act of talking would benefit me. I'm sure if did to some extent. However, at the end of my 12th session, she basically said she didn't think it was helping me and suggested I see a GP or look for CBT on the NHS. Really fucked me up being dropped quite abruptly. But she seemed to think churning up everything that had upset me was not helping me and that might be the case. The problem is it's all at the surface now and I've kind of been left with it!

Am taking a break from therapy but going to try to find someone more directive who does CBT or even ACT. I'm able to pay privately so will be doing that rather than clogging up the NHS waiting lists for people who need care more urgently than me.

I'm disappointed it didn't help when I have friends who speak so highly of therapy. I'm not sure if maybe it was a case of wrong therapy or wrong therapist or maybe I wasn't opening up enough. Still not sure. I do know plenty of people say it takes a while to find the right one so hoping it's just that but the fact I stayed for 12 weeks makes me think I'm not a great judge of what I need! If I see another one I will lead with this experience I think.

Another thing that can help is having a creative outlet. Am trying to get back into writing as that was always my thing when younger but again getting the motivation and making the time is hard.

Sending love to you all.

[Zoo Music Girl]

On 3/14/2022 at 12:22 PM, TheDayman said:

No worries dude, one day at a time ✌️✌️

On a lighter note I love your username!

[Zoo Music Girl]

On 3/18/2022 at 8:39 AM, Kalopsia said:

Recently my mental health has worsened dramatically, increasing my medication hasn't helped still on the waiting list for therapy and just trying to get myself out of bed has been impossible. I thought it can't actually get worse, that nothing would hurt me anymore until last night. 

Last night I was told by my employer that I'm being made redundant, effective immediately (I've looked and they can actually do this) so now I'm without any statutory sick pay, crippling depression, high levels of insomnia and recently discovered I have BPD.

I really hope this doesn't come across as a pity party but I'm really struggling right now and will probably have to return my glastonbury ticket as I need the money. 

I'm really sorry to hear this. Really hope you can get some help as it doesn't seem that you should have to contend with all that alone.

[guypjfreak]

Well after 8 weeks in we went out for a drink.. Plus a sweet.. Lovely day.. Found out the new landlord is a PJ fan. 

BUT NEXT DAY yesterday was a write off literally.. I've never felt in so much pain and hungover.. Still feel shit today even though I've had 12 hours sleep. 

And today I have been pinged with a covid thing. 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to manage Glastonbury.. I mean I've done it 19 times before but I can't do one day,sleep and do another. 

Still hey ho 

[Spindles]

27 minutes ago, guypjfreak said:

 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to manage Glastonbury.. I mean I've done it 19 times before but I can't do one day,sleep and do another. 

 

 

I know that feeling all too well.  I've decided that as long as I can drag my gear in, set up my tent and pack it down again and drag it all home again at the end then anything I get to enjoy in between is gravy.  If I have to have a bit of a slower, quieter, more middle aged festival then so be it.  

I've been to Glastonbury before whilst in the middle of a major depressive event and while there were miserable times and it was hard going there were also moments of life affirming wonder.  It broke the spell for me and I ended the festival on an amazing high that was more effective medicine than any therapy or tablet.  

[Cooter]

7 hours ago, guypjfreak said:

Well after 8 weeks in we went out for a drink.. Plus a sweet.. Lovely day.. Found out the new landlord is a PJ fan. 

BUT NEXT DAY yesterday was a write off literally.. I've never felt in so much pain and hungover.. Still feel shit today even though I've had 12 hours sleep. 

And today I have been pinged with a covid thing. 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to manage Glastonbury.. I mean I've done it 19 times before but I can't do one day,sleep and do another. 

Still hey ho 

I'm in the same boat mate, I think.

When you say pain, do you mean mental pain rather than physical? Only asking because my alcohol intake up until 6 months ago used to be a tad extreme but now I rarely have one or two glasses a week. Not because I don't want more but because the mental stress it causes the next day is so overwhelming. Yes alcohol is a downer etc and should be avoided by us vulnerable types but I never expected such extreme unpleasantness.

[guypjfreak]

1 hour ago, Cooter said:

I'm in the same boat mate, I think.

When you say pain, do you mean mental pain rather than physical? Only asking because my alcohol intake up until 6 months ago used to be a tad extreme but now I rarely have one or two glasses a week. Not because I don't want more but because the mental stress it causes the next day is so overwhelming. Yes alcohol is a downer etc and should be avoided by us vulnerable types but I never expected such extreme unpleasantness.

Physical pain old son.. But not the mental bit is a fucking nightmare.. All I can think of is.. How can I do it what will I be like after a day.. 

The ONLY GOOD thing is that I have a cold now so maybe that was why I felt so bad.. 

I too used to drink.... A fucking lot but wow it hits hard the next day.... 

 

[Mr.Tease]

11 hours ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Would absolutely echo this. I ran out of up votes really quickly, but was delighted to see this thread back again.

Talking about these things is definitely good. I feel very lucky that I can talk to my other half about pretty much everything, but also there can come a point where you need something external to that or you can't just rely on them so heavily all the time. I'm very grateful to have him, though, this last year maybe more than ever.

I'm struggling with anxiety that comes and goes - it can be debilitating but then I feel totally normal and happy so it's hard to see it as a constant problem I need to medicate for. I'm not completely against meds and they have been recommended to me by others but I don't yet think I'm in a place I need them all the time. I'm trying to stay open to it though.

As others have said, plenty of people do really well on them. Some of the closest people to me in my life take citalopram and sertraline respectively and report nothing but good things so it can definitely work. If you try them and it's not for you then there's nothing lost - just make sure to come off them safely.

I've had a shitter of a few years, starting with my best friend's death from cancer, then my partner's dad being diagnosed with cancer, then another of my best friends who is still with us and in constant treatment. Then my mum died last summer. This is all on top of some existing anxiety and the pandemic and has left me feeling unable to cope at times, but part of me thinks its understandable to react this way to these difficult things. The trick for me is finding ways to cope.

Pre pandemic I relied on stuff like Glastonbury, gigs and holidays to get me through. I'd always be looking for the next fun thing to get me through. It's not that sustainable though and the last couple of years have forced me to look for simple pleasures and find happiness in the day to day. Not always easy and I'm lucky to live with a great partner who helps me, which of course not everyone has.

Exercise definitely helps. Have kept up that habit for best part of 15 years now. Can be hard to motivate yourself if you're new to it but when you find something you like and make it a habit it helps so much. No matter how shit I feel, yoga, spin or even just a walk tends to clear the cobwebs at least a little. Appreciate how hard that can be for some, though.

I started seeing a psychotherapist weekly at the end of December. I wasn't 100% sure it was helping but I was hopeful that the act of talking would benefit me. I'm sure if did to some extent. However, at the end of my 12th session, she basically said she didn't think it was helping me and suggested I see a GP or look for CBT on the NHS. Really fucked me up being dropped quite abruptly. But she seemed to think churning up everything that had upset me was not helping me and that might be the case. The problem is it's all at the surface now and I've kind of been left with it!

Am taking a break from therapy but going to try to find someone more directive who does CBT or even ACT. I'm able to pay privately so will be doing that rather than clogging up the NHS waiting lists for people who need care more urgently than me.

I'm disappointed it didn't help when I have friends who speak so highly of therapy. I'm not sure if maybe it was a case of wrong therapy or wrong therapist or maybe I wasn't opening up enough. Still not sure. I do know plenty of people say it takes a while to find the right one so hoping it's just that but the fact I stayed for 12 weeks makes me think I'm not a great judge of what I need! If I see another one I will lead with this experience I think.

Another thing that can help is having a creative outlet. Am trying to get back into writing as that was always my thing when younger but again getting the motivation and making the time is hard.

Sending love to you all.

Sounds like life has really walloped you the last few years, and you had a bit of a stinker of an experience with your therapist- at the very least they should have actually asked you if you felt like it was helping or leaving you feeling worse rather than suddenly and arbitrarily deciding for you, and if you’d decided it was being detrimental then they should have at the very least worked with you to end safely and helped while you got something else in place, rather than dump you! It’s like they stopped an operation half way into it!

It’s hard to feel safe in a world when so many painful things have happened to you and the people you love, and life’s unrecognisable from what it used to be. I think when people you love die, you don’t just lose them, but also the way life used to be- everything just feels off and worse. No wonder you’re struggling with anxiety, and in turn no wonder you lose trust in yourself and your ability to cope- it’s scary and a tough double whammy! 

At the same time it sounds like you are a really judge of what you need (and especially what you don’t need and what isn’t helpful!), you might not be able to define it at the moment, but you’ll know what it is when you find it and in the meantime it sounds like you’re feeling your way through the different options- it’s like divining for water! (though it’s hard to not lose hope when it’s proving to be elusive).

As a counsellor myself, I’ve had some terrible counsellors and some not particularly helpful ones but also some good ones- nothing earth shattering though! But I have a better idea now of the type of person I do and don’t want as a therapist now.

I think you’re right though, sometimes you end up with the wrong therapist for you, sometimes it’s the wrong kind of therapy, sometimes it’s not talking therapy that you need, and sometimes I think luck or timing comes into it. It’s hard to heal from a gunshot wound while you’re still being shot- sometimes you need life to stop dumping on you and give you break, it’s unreal when horrible things just keep happening.

I do hope everyone on this thread finds the kind of help they need- when you’re stuck in the midst of it, it’s hard to see out of it, and it’s hard not to detach from people and things to protect yourself from the pain. I always think of Gil Scott Heron when he was talking about his drug addiction- to paraphrase him, when it comes to life, sometimes you feel on top of it and then sometimes it just kicks your ass

 

[Zoo Music Girl]

11 hours ago, Mr.Tease said:

Sounds like life has really walloped you the last few years, and you had a bit of a stinker of an experience with your therapist- at the very least they should have actually asked you if you felt like it was helping or leaving you feeling worse rather than suddenly and arbitrarily deciding for you, and if you’d decided it was being detrimental then they should have at the very least worked with you to end safely and helped while you got something else in place, rather than dump you! It’s like they stopped an operation half way into it!

It’s hard to feel safe in a world when so many painful things have happened to you and the people you love, and life’s unrecognisable from what it used to be. I think when people you love die, you don’t just lose them, but also the way life used to be- everything just feels off and worse. No wonder you’re struggling with anxiety, and in turn no wonder you lose trust in yourself and your ability to cope- it’s scary and a tough double whammy! 

At the same time it sounds like you are a really judge of what you need (and especially what you don’t need and what isn’t helpful!), you might not be able to define it at the moment, but you’ll know what it is when you find it and in the meantime it sounds like you’re feeling your way through the different options- it’s like divining for water! (though it’s hard to not lose hope when it’s proving to be elusive).

As a counsellor myself, I’ve had some terrible counsellors and some not particularly helpful ones but also some good ones- nothing earth shattering though! But I have a better idea now of the type of person I do and don’t want as a therapist now.

I think you’re right though, sometimes you end up with the wrong therapist for you, sometimes it’s the wrong kind of therapy, sometimes it’s not talking therapy that you need, and sometimes I think luck or timing comes into it. It’s hard to heal from a gunshot wound while you’re still being shot- sometimes you need life to stop dumping on you and give you break, it’s unreal when horrible things just keep happening.

I do hope everyone on this thread finds the kind of help they need- when you’re stuck in the midst of it, it’s hard to see out of it, and it’s hard not to detach from people and things to protect yourself from the pain. I always think of Gil Scott Heron when he was talking about his drug addiction- to paraphrase him, when it comes to life, sometimes you feel on top of it and then sometimes it just kicks your ass

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Not seen you here for a bit but I always liked your contributions to the shit thread!

To be fair to my therapist, she did kind of leave it up to me but she strongly suggested she didn't think it was helping and said to email her and let her know if I wanted to come back or not the next week. Which felt like a rejection to me and I didn't think I could go back after that. I actually cried all the way home from that session so it didn't do me any favours at all! I don't think she dealt with it very well and to be honest I think she just got a bit bored with me. I emailed her the next day and she didn't reply until three days later! Which seemed really shoddy. I asked for a referral and she just said to look on the NHS, which seemed pretty lazy, especially since she knows I am willing to pay privately.

The whole thing was pretty weird. Friends who are having or have had therapy did it for much longer but my therapist seemed to think we'd covered pretty much everything and I should be feeling better by now, whereas I still thought we were relatively early in the process.

As a counsellor would you recommend any particular resources for finding a good one in future or is it just hit and miss? She was listed on BACP and another directory whose name escapes me. But yeah probably just not a good fit - wish I'd realised that sooner but I'd thought that any qualms I had about it were things I needed to push through rather than a sign it wasn't right for me. The annoying thing is its taken me years to get the courage to go and I've found the whole thing really challenging so this has set me back somewhat.

Anyway, waffling! Hope all good your end.

[carlosj]

1 hour ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Thank you so much for your kind words. Not seen you here for a bit but I always liked your contributions to the shit thread!

To be fair to my therapist, she did kind of leave it up to me but she strongly suggested she didn't think it was helping and said to email her and let her know if I wanted to come back or not the next week. Which felt like a rejection to me and I didn't think I could go back after that. I actually cried all the way home from that session so it didn't do me any favours at all! I don't think she dealt with it very well and to be honest I think she just got a bit bored with me. I emailed her the next day and she didn't reply until three days later! Which seemed really shoddy. I asked for a referral and she just said to look on the NHS, which seemed pretty lazy, especially since she knows I am willing to pay privately.

The whole thing was pretty weird. Friends who are having or have had therapy did it for much longer but my therapist seemed to think we'd covered pretty much everything and I should be feeling better by now, whereas I still thought we were relatively early in the process.

As a counsellor would you recommend any particular resources for finding a good one in future or is it just hit and miss? She was listed on BACP and another directory whose name escapes me. But yeah probably just not a good fit - wish I'd realised that sooner but I'd thought that any qualms I had about it were things I needed to push through rather than a sign it wasn't right for me. The annoying thing is its taken me years to get the courage to go and I've found the whole thing really challenging so this has set me back somewhat.

Anyway, waffling! Hope all good your end.

That sounds so bad of her, and that she and/or her form of therapy wasn't for you. I've started looking on this site, but not yet reached out to anyone on it. Is this any good for you?
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I'm fearful of what it will unlock, I think. My work's scheme were good, in that they thought I have PTSD and didn't offer sessions since they were limited to 6 and didn't want to abandon me partway through.

Anyone else have suggestions on finding a therapist?

 

[DeanoL]

23 hours ago, guypjfreak said:

Well after 8 weeks in we went out for a drink.. Plus a sweet.. Lovely day.. Found out the new landlord is a PJ fan. 

BUT NEXT DAY yesterday was a write off literally.. I've never felt in so much pain and hungover.. Still feel shit today even though I've had 12 hours sleep. 

And today I have been pinged with a covid thing. 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to manage Glastonbury.. I mean I've done it 19 times before but I can't do one day,sleep and do another. 

Still hey ho 

Hangovers always seem to be different at Glasto - not sure if it's the fresh air, or the fact that you can't indulge them by sleeping in because the tent gets so hot, but I've always found them a non-issue there when they kick my ass in the real world. 

[Zoo Music Girl]

1 hour ago, carlosj said:

That sounds so bad of her, and that she and/or her form of therapy wasn't for you. I've started looking on this site, but not yet reached out to anyone on it. Is this any good for you?
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I'm fearful of what it will unlock, I think. My work's scheme were good, in that they thought I have PTSD and didn't offer sessions since they were limited to 6 and didn't want to abandon me partway through.

Anyone else have suggestions on finding a therapist?

 

Thank you - that is actually the other site I was thinking of! That and BACP were the directories I was using (the therapist I saw was listed on both).

I feel better equipped to look for one now I'm thinking CBT/ACT might be the way whereas before I was just looking at anxiety/grief which is way more general. And I will be a lot more upfront with asking questions about the process and so on, which I was too scared to before.

If you have PTSD I definitely think it would be worth seeing someone. Definitely get that fear about unlocking things but I suppose that's part of the process? Dunno, I'm pretty clueless about it so hopefully a wiser poster than me will have a steer.

[guypjfreak]

Well at least I know now 

I've tested positive for covid.. 

Oh well 

Peace and tea 

[gooner1990]

On 3/20/2022 at 11:04 AM, guypjfreak said:

Well after 8 weeks in we went out for a drink.. Plus a sweet.. Lovely day.. Found out the new landlord is a PJ fan. 

BUT NEXT DAY yesterday was a write off literally.. I've never felt in so much pain and hungover.. Still feel shit today even though I've had 12 hours sleep. 

And today I have been pinged with a covid thing. 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to manage Glastonbury.. I mean I've done it 19 times before but I can't do one day,sleep and do another. 

Still hey ho 

I lost it big time on Saturday....went to football during the day and had about 9 pints before 7pm....old friend calls and ends up with him round mine about 8pm and we scored a gram of coke....he left mine 2am and i went to bed 3.30am well and truly trousered.

Yesterday HURT big time and I hadn't done drugs in 3 months, kicking myself somewhat and spent most of today sweating at my desk as I still haven't recovered fully.

This weekend is my brothers stag do but at least I have the monday booked off in anticipation and the following weekend is another mates 40th....no rest for the wicked eh!

[Kalopsia]

On 3/19/2022 at 11:30 PM, blutarsky said:

Really sorry to hear this. Life can be a c**t from time to time and it sounds like you’re taking a good kicking right now. 
Do try to get out and about - a little bit of fresh hair has a big impact on your oxytocin levels and taking a few small steps can help move things in the right direction. 
Hopefully you have people around you who can help. If you haven’t reached out to them yet, please do. No man is an island etc! 

Thanks for the kind response, I got out for my first 10km run this morning since November, boy have I missed that!

Hopefully I will be able to get another job swiftly, I'm an 'academic' so have few qualifications but I have plenty or transferable skills and a strong set of references.

On 3/20/2022 at 8:41 AM, Zoo Music Girl said:

I'm really sorry to hear this. Really hope you can get some help as it doesn't seem that you should have to contend with all that alone.

Thanks! I'm getting support, my partner believes in me, as do my chosen family and that's what really matters.

 

[Zoo Music Girl]

23 minutes ago, Kalopsia said:

Thanks for the kind response, I got out for my first 10km run this morning since November, boy have I missed that!

Hopefully I will be able to get another job swiftly, I'm an 'academic' so have few qualifications but I have plenty or transferable skills and a strong set of references.

Thanks! I'm getting support, my partner believes in me, as do my chosen family and that's what really matters.

 

Ah that's great that you have a decent support network. Best of luck finding a new job.

[Mr.Tease]

9 hours ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Thank you so much for your kind words. Not seen you here for a bit but I always liked your contributions to the shit thread!

To be fair to my therapist, she did kind of leave it up to me but she strongly suggested she didn't think it was helping and said to email her and let her know if I wanted to come back or not the next week. Which felt like a rejection to me and I didn't think I could go back after that. I actually cried all the way home from that session so it didn't do me any favours at all! I don't think she dealt with it very well and to be honest I think she just got a bit bored with me. I emailed her the next day and she didn't reply until three days later! Which seemed really shoddy. I asked for a referral and she just said to look on the NHS, which seemed pretty lazy, especially since she knows I am willing to pay privately.

The whole thing was pretty weird. Friends who are having or have had therapy did it for much longer but my therapist seemed to think we'd covered pretty much everything and I should be feeling better by now, whereas I still thought we were relatively early in the process.

As a counsellor would you recommend any particular resources for finding a good one in future or is it just hit and miss? She was listed on BACP and another directory whose name escapes me. But yeah probably just not a good fit - wish I'd realised that sooner but I'd thought that any qualms I had about it were things I needed to push through rather than a sign it wasn't right for me. The annoying thing is its taken me years to get the courage to go and I've found the whole thing really challenging so this has set me back somewhat.

Anyway, waffling! Hope all good your end.

What an odd and rather crap counsellor you had! It's not what you need at the best of times, but when you're struggling it can really hurt, no wonder you cried all the way home.  I don't know what they were thinking (if at all) that 12 sessions should be enough, and they should have had a basic professional (as well as basic human) awareness that when someones experienced bereavements, then you really need to handle the ending of the counselling really sensitive otherwise it can tap into feelings of abandonment, feeling dropped, all kinds of stuff really. Plus, who wants to come out a counselling session having felt dumped?!

Though as an anxious person, I am quick to assume people are looking at me like I'm an unwelcome development, or critically in some way (and I genuinely have no idea whether they are or aren't!), which is what I find most difficult when I'm having counselling myself! I guess we'll never know with this therapist what was actually going on their side of things, but they certainly left you feeling worse off and they didn't clock it or have the sensitivity or take the time to check what was going on or what it was like for you.

You and Carlosj are one step ahead of me- the main listings for private counsellors are indeed:

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

(that one lists them in some sort of order relating to the centrally pegged google location to the area searched for )

and

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk

(that one lists them in a randomly generated order, apart from the first three who pay extra for preferential listing)

I wish I had some good advice for finding the right counsellor, it's something I've always struggled with myself! If it helps, once I'd had a bad experience and realised that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't because I'm a bad client or because I was 'doing it wrong', then I was able to use that to help me find a better counsellor.

So usually they'll offer a free consultation and so in that I'd tell the prospective new counsellor why my last experience was bad, and then that was useful because I could use their response to see if they understood/were empathic/got me and it also helps them out because they then know what's not helpful for you and what to not do! Sometimes it's worth having a consultation with a few and getting a feel for which is the best for you. Unfortunately there are some real stinkers out there's nd there are some bad fits, but there are also some good ones and some good fits too.

Also, I think I felt a bit less intimidated by counsellors when I thought of it as instead of being "how are they going to make me better", to "how am I going to use them to help me get better", as it gives you bit more agency and makes the relationship a bit more collaborative and equal.

Some of the things to consider/ look out for is what kind of qualities you find helpful or not- do you want them to be more directive, or more trusting of your judgement with you taking more of a lead? Do you want them to be more passive (so they basically give you plenty of space to talk while they listen) or more active (so they'll engage more with what you're saying). I like my counsellors to be funny/ self depreciating and have a history of anxiety themselves, as I feel more comfortable with that type of person. Others prefer more 'professional'/aloof/ serious. It's all personal preference really! Also helps if you have an idea of what you don't like (for me I hate it when they never entertain the possibility that they might be wrong or assume that they know best), as again you can share this in the consultation session and find out if that's how they are/work.

I do hope once you've recovered from your bad experience and feel ready to try again (if you decide you actually do want to try again!), I do hope you have better luck- I guess it's a bit like how I imagine online dating is really! 

 

[Zoo Music Girl]

17 minutes ago, Mr.Tease said:

What an odd and rather crap counsellor you had! It's not what you need at the best of times, but when you're struggling it can really hurt, no wonder you cried all the way home.  I don't know what they were thinking (if at all) that 12 sessions should be enough, and they should have had a basic professional (as well as basic human) awareness that when someones experienced bereavements, then you really need to handle the ending of the counselling really sensitive otherwise it can tap into feelings of abandonment, feeling dropped, all kinds of stuff really. Plus, who wants to come out a counselling session having felt dumped?!

Though as an anxious person, I am quick to assume people are looking at me like I'm an unwelcome development, or critically in some way (and I genuinely have no idea whether they are or aren't!), which is what I find most difficult when I'm having counselling myself! I guess we'll never know with this therapist what was actually going on their side of things, but they certainly left you feeling worse off and they didn't clock it or have the sensitivity or take the time to check what was going on or what it was like for you.

You and Carlosj are one step ahead of me- the main listings for private counsellors are indeed:

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

(that one lists them in some sort of order relating to the centrally pegged google location to the area searched for )

and

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk

(that one lists them in a randomly generated order, apart from the first three who pay extra for preferential listing)

I wish I had some good advice for finding the right counsellor, it's something I've always struggled with myself! If it helps, once I'd had a bad experience and realised that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't because I'm a bad client or because I was 'doing it wrong', then I was able to use that to help me find a better counsellor.

So usually they'll offer a free consultation and so in that I'd tell the prospective new counsellor why my last experience was bad, and then that was useful because I could use their response to see if they understood/were empathic/got me and it also helps them out because they then know what's not helpful for you and what to not do! Sometimes it's worth having a consultation with a few and getting a feel for which is the best for you. Unfortunately there are some real stinkers out there's nd there are some bad fits, but there are also some good ones and some good fits too.

Also, I think I felt a bit less intimidated by counsellors when I thought of it as instead of being "how are they going to make me better", to "how am I going to use them to help me get better", as it gives you bit more agency and makes the relationship a bit more collaborative and equal.

Some of the things to consider/ look out for is what kind of qualities you find helpful or not- do you want them to be more directive, or more trusting of your judgement with you taking more of a lead? Do you want them to be more passive (so they basically give you plenty of space to talk while they listen) or more active (so they'll engage more with what you're saying). I like my counsellors to be funny/ self depreciating and have a history of anxiety themselves, as I feel more comfortable with that type of person. Others prefer more 'professional'/aloof/ serious. It's all personal preference really! Also helps if you have an idea of what you don't like (for me I hate it when they never entertain the possibility that they might be wrong or assume that they know best), as again you can share this in the consultation session and find out if that's how they are/work.

I do hope once you've recovered from your bad experience and feel ready to try again (if you decide you actually do want to try again!), I do hope you have better luck- I guess it's a bit like how I imagine online dating is really! 

 

Thank you. That is all really helpful. Oddly I do feel that having a bad experience better equips me for trying again as I have a bit of info to go in with now. More directive and active is the way to go for me I think. And I think I'd be inclined to try a couple before just jumping into something with the first one I saw.

It's really interesting to hear about a counsellor's experience of counselling as well, so cheers for that.

I have a fair bit of experience of online dating and that did work for me in the end so I guess that's a useful analogy to keep in mind!

[Mr.Tease]

8 hours ago, carlosj said:

That sounds so bad of her, and that she and/or her form of therapy wasn't for you. I've started looking on this site, but not yet reached out to anyone on it. Is this any good for you?
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I'm fearful of what it will unlock, I think. My work's scheme were good, in that they thought I have PTSD and didn't offer sessions since they were limited to 6 and didn't want to abandon me partway through.

Anyone else have suggestions on finding a therapist?

 

This is one of the things that drives me berserk- sometimes you go to the NHS or work schemes and they say you're suffering from something that's a bit more complex and longer term, and they can't tackle it because they can't offer enough sessions. But then there's no where they can refer you to because no where offers the number of sessions you need. So essentially people who need more get less, until they reach crisis point at which point then they have an overstretched crisis service. But I don't get the logic or basic health care in having nothing between short term support and just leaving people with greater need to fend for themselves until they get significantly worse.

You're right, that's one of the main listing sites (I've put the other one in the reply to zoogirl as well as some things that I found helpful when trying to find a therapist myself). To be honest, people can give lots of tips, but what most people do is they go on the basis of the photo's in the profile and gravitate to one or two, and then they try a session with them and get a feel for whether they're the right person for them- that's just as good a method as any!

Some people find the therapist/person/relationship is the key thing, for others it's the type of therapy that's most important- there's no right or wrong, it's just what resonates with you.

You might also feel now is not the right time, or that you don't feel in a safe enough place to go opening things up- there's no shame in that at all.

The good thing about that website is you can also search for definitions about what the different types of therapy are and it will explain them for you (or you can just ask the counsellor). If one sounds like a better fit/ more intriguing, then you can use an advance search to just show the profiles that offer that.

So the main types are CBT (Cognitive behavioural Therapy), Person-centred (or humanistic) and psychodynamic (or psychoanalytic- this is the type you tend to find in tv shows!). Integrative is a mix of the different types. With trauma and PTSD another one is called EMDR, which again you can see that site for an explanation of. Then there's more creative stuff like art therapy or horse/equine assisted therapy if you like horses! there's lots of choice. Here's the comprehensive list of the different types:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselling.html

I'll cut and paste the main definitions:

Cognitive and behavioural therapies

Behavioural therapies are based on the way you think (cognitive) and/or the way you behave. These therapies recognise that it is possible to change, or recondition, our thoughts or behaviour to overcome specific problems.

Humanistic therapies

Humanistic therapies focus on self-development, growth and responsibilities. They seek to help individuals recognise their strengths, creativity and choice in the 'here and now'.

Psychoanalytical and psychodynamic therapies

Psychoanalytical and psychodynamic therapies are based on an individual's unconscious thoughts and perceptions that have developed throughout their childhood, and how these affect their current behaviour and thoughts.

[Mr.Tease]

1 minute ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Thank you. That is all really helpful. Oddly I do feel that having a bad experience better equips me for trying again as I have a bit of info to go in with now. More directive and active is the way to go for me I think. And I think I'd be inclined to try a couple before just jumping into something with the first one I saw.

It's really interesting to hear about a counsellor's experience of counselling as well, so cheers for that.

I have a fair bit of experience of online dating and that did work for me in the end so I guess that's a useful analogy to keep in mind!

You're welcome! 

[MrZigster]

For an example of how much things have been on top of me lately:

I only realised that resale week is this week a couple of days ago. And that's only because a colleague told me. They say your hobbies are the first things to drop off...