The Joke Thread

[CeriG]

We are all worrying and whittling about the wet stuff outside at the moment.

So lets lighten the mood.....

[zeppelin]

Foals headlining 2020...

[CaledonianGonzo]

[stuartbert two hats]

2 minutes ago, zeppelin said:

Foals headlining 2020...

Leave The Foals alone.

[EasyUserName]

I thought jokes were bad these days.

Between Twitter / Facebook & The Daily Mail, I fear you are doomed

[CeriG]

6 minutes ago, EasyUserName said:

I thought jokes were bad these days.

Between Twitter / Facebook & The Daily Mail, I fear you are doomed

I don’t dispute that fact

Edited June 14, 2019 by CeriG
I don’t have Twatter or read The Daily Fail but I do have Face F**k

[gherkin8r]

I had a job interview there yesterday and towards the end the interviewer said

"OK gherkin8r, what would you say your biggest weakness was?" 

"I would say that at times I am probably too honest" 

"OK well I don't really think that being too honest is a weakness." 

"I don't really give a fuck what you think." 

[zeppelin]

2 minutes ago, stuartbert two hats said:

Leave The Foals alone.

 

[HalfAnIdiot]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A walk!

[Divein]

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching. 

I asked how she was getting on. 

She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

[CaledonianGonzo]

6 minutes ago, stuartbert two hats said:

Leave The Foals alone.

You must have read Peter Pan.

If we just believe and keep saying "Foal and the lads are headliners" enough times then it's bound to happen.

[gherkin8r]

After 10 years together myself and the missus wanted to do something to spice things up in the bedroom so I bought her a silk blindfold.

She said she couldn't see herself wearing it. 

[Skoo]

[Avalon_Fields]

I enjoyed this Richard Osman tweet yesterday, mainly as I’m dumb enough not to understand it when I first read it:

[al_coholic]

2 minutes ago, Avalon_Fields said:

I enjoyed this Richard Osman tweet yesterday, mainly as I’m dumb enough not to understand it when I first read it:

That's very clever I like it a lot. 

[stuartbert two hats]

11 minutes ago, zeppelin said:

 

That's the voice I wrote it in

[Quark]

13 minutes ago, Divein said:

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching. 

I asked how she was getting on. 

She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

Glorious

[Quark]

What acoustic?

It's what Scottish farmers poke their cows with

[Ayrshire Chris]

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers

(I do know some really filthy jokes but there will be sensitive souls on this site)

My girlfriend  laughed when I said I could make a spaghetti car

you should have seen her face  when I raced pasta  

[GMF]

15 minutes ago, Avalon_Fields said:

I enjoyed this Richard Osman tweet yesterday, mainly as I’m dumb enough not to understand it when I first read it:

That is really good, took a bit of working out.

Edited June 14, 2019 by GMF
Spelling mistakes due to too much alcohol. You asked!

[dotdash79]

What do you call a man with no shins?

 

Toe-knee

[FuzzyDunlop]

Why does snoop dogg always carry a brolly?

For Drizzle.

[gherkin8r]

I see Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from tesco

Apparently he said it was a whisk he was willing to take

Edited June 14, 2019 by gherkin8r

[Ayrshire Chris]

To the person who stole my shoes whilst I was on the bouncy castle

GROW UP

 

my wife and I are getting a divorce, I started pissing the bed and we just kinda drifted apart. 

[Quark]

What do you call an ape with a stick of dynamite?

A baboom