The Joke Thread

[FuzzyDunlop]

My nephew said this to me

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: dont know

To get to the idiots house....

Knock knock

Me: Who's there

The chicken

 

 

I liked that.

[Dave_c]

Paddy English man, Paddy Scottish man and Paddy Irish man are all sat in the pub having a few pints talking about their kids when Paddy English man says 'my son was born on St George's Day, so I called him George'. Paddy Scottish man says 'no way, my son was born on St Andrews day, so I called him Andrew'. Paddy Irishman, with excitement on his face exclaims 'no fucking way, I don't believe it, wait til I tell our Pancake about this'.

I'll get me coat.

[Stocksey]

Did you hear about Michael Davis's magic tractor?

 

It went down the lane, and turned into a field.

[Stocksey]

Just my type of thread....

I just had to leave my job at a watch factory. I couldn't handle being around people making faces all day.

[DareToDibble]

I killed a spider running across the room with my shoe the other day.

I don’t care how big it was... nobody steals my shoe!

[deebeedoobee]

Where do pirates exercise?

Ahhh jim lad

[deebeedoobee]

What's a pirate's favourite letter.

R

But his first love is always the C.

[Stokesy10]

Just met a chinese drug addict, he said "have you seen my cocaine?", I said "not since the Italian job".

[Stokesy10]

A big thank you to my neighbour for letting me borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline.

[Ayrshire Chris]

Stan, the brother of footballer Danny Wellbeck, has just got a job as a bomb disposal expert. 

[bombfrog]

An old lady came into the bank the other day and asked me if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[faymondo]

Missus said its about time you had a vasectomy.

I said you know I am a bit scared of having one.

Missus said you must overcome your fear.

I thought yeah its about time I was brave so put it to a family vote.

Yes 13 No 12

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

7 hours ago, Stocksey said:

Did you hear about Michael Davis's magic tractor?

 

It went down the lane, and turned into a field.

Eavis?

[Colonel74]

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

 

Because the parrots eat em all

[Stocksey]

1 hour ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Eavis?

Yep. How did I miss that! I'm going to blame the small human for distracted me and not spotting the auto correct

[Old Enough to know better]

Katie price "Mum in pregnant with twins"

 

Mum "At last 2 grandkids with the same father"

[Stocksey]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot....???

[Crazyfool01]

im not a fan of the new pound coin ... but then again I hate all change  

[Wallace]

I was going to get a belt with pockets to store my cash for Glastonbury, but I realised it’d just be a waist of money 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 hour ago, Stocksey said:

Yep. How did I miss that! I'm going to blame the small human for distracted me and not spotting the auto correct

I'm more surprised that it took a few posts before it got corrected. Not only that, but who is this Michael Davis person who can get away with hijacking a Michael Eavis joke so nonchalantly on a site almost dedicated to all things Glastonbury? A complete cad, in my view. 

[sprocketrocket]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trombones

[Ayrshire Chris]

My old granddad died in his sleep, which is more than can be said for the passengers in the bus he was driving. 

[bombfrog]

2 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

My old granddad died in his sleep, which is more than can be said for the passengers in the bus he was driving. 

My granddad died after my grandmother covered him in vaseline.

He went downhill really quickly after that.

[OG]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Chicken

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

A first time caught white collar criminal goes to prison. On entering the prison he is shown to his cell, and meets his cellmate - a big gorilla of a beast, named Bubba, lying on the top bunk.

Bubba turns to his new cell mate and says "Come here kid, we're gonna play a little game called Mommy and Daddy. Do you want to be Mommy or Daddy?"

The white collar criminal thinks to himself, well, if I pick Mommy, Bubba's going to do something awful to me... "Okay, I'll be Daddy."

Bubba looks down at him and says, "Alright, get up here and suck Mommy's cock"