The Joke Thread

[Quark]

1 minute ago, Beerqueen said:

I prefer jokes rooted in the ridiculous to ones that just describe the day I've just had

[Beerqueen]

2 minutes ago, Quark said:

I prefer jokes rooted in the ridiculous to ones that just describe the day I've just had

I almost introduced this as "not so much a joke as a comment on my life".

[Ayrshire Chris]

A teenage boy dropped his handkerchief on his bedroom floor

immediately his mum shouted from downstairs, I hope that’s not one of my good plates! 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 hour ago, Beerqueen said:

I almost introduced this as "not so much a joke as a comment on my life".

Hello Beerqueen,

I hope things improve for you sooner rather than later. I also live in Shropshire, and almost lost the will to live at the weekend. Unfortunately bad things did happen when the River Severn burst it's banks near us. Although our main house wasn't affected, the flood waters did enter the wood cabin (which has electrics etc) at the bottom of the garden. All sorted now, but it was (hopefully) the final jigsaw piece in a month long's run of bad luck. Ho hum!

Anyway, I came on here because, unfortunately, I've remembered another joke. This, surely, must be the last one. I'm not really one for formal type jokes. That said, this has to be done, so here it is;

 

An American hunter decides to go out one day in to the forest and kill himself a bear. So he packs his rifle in to his car, drives to the forest, gets out and goes looking for a bear. It's not long before he sees one in the distance. He takes aim with his rifle, pulls the trigger, but misses. The bear then runs over to him and says " Did you just try to shoot me dead"? The hunter admits that he had. the bear then says " well,just for that,and to teach you a lesson, I'm going to bum you up the arse". The bear then proceeds to do just this, then walks back deeper in to the forest.

Well, this set of events made the hunter very angry. He decides to come back the next day with his bigger and better rifle, and shoot that bear dead. So, the next day he packs his better rifle, drives to the forest, and looks for the same bear. It's not long before he sees the same bear, off in the distance. He points his rifle at the bear,shoots, and misses. Then the bear runs up to him and says  " Did you just try to shoot me dead"? The hunter admits that he had. the bear then says " well,just for that,and to teach you a lesson, I'm going to bum you up the arse". The bear then proceeds to do just this, then walks back deeper in to the forest.

Well this latest event made the hunter completely livid. He decides to come back the next day with his biggest and most accurate rifle, and shoot that bear dead. So, the next day he packs his biggest and best rifle, drives to the forest, and looks for the same bear. It's not long before he sees the same bear, off in the distance. He points his rifle at the bear, shoots, and misses. Then the bear runs up to him and says " You're not really here for the hunting, are you"?

[Beerqueen]

4 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Hello Beerqueen,

I hope things improve for you sooner rather than later. I also live in Shropshire, and almost lost the will to live at the weekend. Unfortunately bad things did happen when the River Severn burst it's banks near us. Although our main house wasn't affected, the flood waters did enter the wood cabin (which has electrics etc) at the bottom of the garden. All sorted now, but it was (hopefully) the final jigsaw piece in a month long's run of bad luck. Ho hum!

Anyway, I came on here because, unfortunately, I've remembered another joke. This, surely, must be the last one. I'm not really one for formal type jokes. That said, this has to be done, so here it is;

 

An American hunter decides to go out one day in to the forest and kill himself a bear. So he packs his rifle in to his car, drives to the forest, gets out and goes looking for a bear. It's not long before he sees one in the distance. He takes aim with his rifle, pulls the trigger, but misses. The bear then runs over to him and says " Did you just try to shoot me dead"? The hunter admits that he had. the bear then says " well,just for that,and to teach you a lesson, I'm going to bum you up the arse". The bear then proceeds to do just this, then walks back deeper in to the forest.

Well, this set of events made the hunter very angry. He decides to come back the next day with his bigger and better rifle, and shoot that bear dead. So, the next day he packs his better rifle, drives to the forest, and looks for the same bear. It's not long before he sees the same bear, off in the distance. He points his rifle at the bear,shoots, and misses. Then the bear runs up to him and says  " Did you just try to shoot me dead"? The hunter admits that he had. the bear then says " well,just for that,and to teach you a lesson, I'm going to bum you up the arse". The bear then proceeds to do just this, then walks back deeper in to the forest.

Well this latest event made the hunter completely livid. He decides to come back the next day with his biggest and most accurate rifle, and shoot that bear dead. So, the next day he packs his biggest and best rifle, drives to the forest, and looks for the same bear. It's not long before he sees the same bear, off in the distance. He points his rifle at the bear, shoots, and misses. Then the bear runs up to him and says " You're not really here for the hunting, are you"?

Sorry to hear about your flood problems - we haven't been too affected here although I think the main car park in town is shut (or was at the weekend).

That joke is awful.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 minute ago, Beerqueen said:

That joke is awful.

It is isn't it. However, I remembered it, so felt duty bound to post it. I think that's about five jokes I've posted now. That's me done, I'd say. 

[Beerqueen]

I remembered my favourite joke from when I was a teenager:

A small man was sitting on a toadstool, he had a migrane so put his head between his legs to relieve it.  A man passing by asked him if he was a goblin and he replied "no, I've got a headache".  

[Beerqueen]

Oh and another one from the same era:

The earwigs and the centipedes were playing a football match.  The centipedes were winning 2-0 with 10 minutes to go.  The earwigs brought on a substitute but they didn't have a named shirt for him so it just said 0 on the back.  He scored a hat trick and the earwigs won.  But in the dressing room after the match he was quiet.  His manager asked him why and he explained that while he was pleased with how he'd played, he was sad that the crowd didn't know who he was.  The manager replied "what do you mean, can't you hear them singing?"  And the crowd were singing "Earwig 0, Earwig 0, Earwig 0"

[barkley87]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the london underground. We went from barking to tooting in about an hour. 

[Beergirl]

On 6/15/2019 at 6:05 PM, Stocksey said:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot....???

This is my 4 year old's favourite joke! 

[Stocksey]

22 minutes ago, Beergirl said:

This is my 4 year old's favourite joke! 

Tells you abit about my mental age. The wife's always telling me to grow up anyway ???

[bamber]

This is a holocaust joke.

 

A Holocaust survivor goes to heaven and meets God.

He tells God a Holocaust joke.

God says, you can't tell that joke like that about the Holocaust , it is unacceptable, not funny.

Joker says,

Yeah God, you're right, I shouldn't make jokes about that, I guess you had to be there. 

[Ayrshire Chris]

How does Jesus carry home his Xmas shopping from the supermarket?

on a Lidl donkey 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

 

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

 

[Ayrshire Chris]

Meat pies are ten dollars in Barbados

chicken pies are twenty dollars in Jamaica 

thats the pie rates of the Caribbean 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

20 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

Meat pies are ten dollars in Barbados

chicken pies are twenty dollars in Jamaica 

thats the pie rates of the Caribbean 

I know somebody who is going to enjoy that one. You've probably just made his day, because I'm going to send it to him shortly. Thank you from me, and from him.

[Ayrshire Chris]

2 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I know somebody who is going to enjoy that one. You've probably just made his day, because I'm going to send it to him shortly. Thank you from me, and from him.

No problem, Don’t tell me you are friends with a Johnny Depp! 

[gsansom]

Foals walk into a farm in Somerset and headline the main stage

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

33 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

No problem, Don’t tell me you are friends with a Johnny Depp! 

I believe that my people know his people, but that's as far as it goes.

I ended up sending a copy of your joke to two people. I have already had one response, which was an affirmative. I fear for the other person, because it's the kind of joke that will induce him to have a hernia, laughing.

[carlosj]

Man goes into a library and says "Fish and chips twice please."

The librarian glares and says "Shhh. This is a library."

The man whispers back "oh sorry. Fish and chips twice please."

[bamber]

Kim Kardashian got stopped at LA airport last week

The customs officer looked down the back of her jeans and found 10KG of crack.

Edited November 23, 2019 by bamber

[ian the worm]

I went to the zoo and asked the keeper to explain the difference between the white penguins and the black penguins. She said the black penguins were the ones walking away from me and the white ones were walking towards me. 

[Ayrshire Chris]

this years queens speech! 

[Crazyfool01]

4 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

this years queens speech! 

anus horribulous ?

 

Edited November 23, 2019 by crazyfool1

[stuartbert two hats]

8 hours ago, gsansom said:

Foals walk into a farm in Somerset and headline the main stage

I was about to do that, I suspected it had already been done!