How do you feel?

[Bisque]

6 hours ago, kalifire said:

I arrived in Melbourne in February 2015. We met in August 2015 and didn't look back. That didn't give me much time to establish a social circle beyond her friends, although I have one or two.

Similar thing, although not quite as distant, happened to me. My parents welcomed me back home, actually being told to do something by your parents as an adult was a bit demeaning but I ended up appreciating it afterwards.

I hope all is well. This week has hit me a bit, fed up of the daily same same now. Sometimes I think about going to sleep just because there is nothing to do.

[MetaKate]

8 hours ago, kalifire said:

My girlfriend of close to 5 years sat me down to say she wanted to end our relationship tonight.

Currently numb, and profoundly sad.

That's a rough one. Echoing the same sentiment as everyone, we're all here if you need to chat ❤

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

9 hours ago, kalifire said:

My girlfriend of close to 5 years sat me down to say she wanted to end our relationship tonight.

Currently numb, and profoundly sad.

I can't recall seeing this thread before, although may have posted something on it before, but I get the feeling not. I don't know exactly why I chose to open this thread up now. It's highly likely that it was to be given the opportunity to write some inane shite, which seems to be my forte.

However, opening it up is to find out the news that you have spoken of. It goes without saying that I think you can reach out to anybody on here, should you need to. It's a who cares for the carers type thing. Nobody on here's going to forget what you did for that poor chap at Glastonbury who was having a melt down. You made the effort for him, and now we are all here for you.

Just wanted you to know that. 

 

[Bisque]

I’m just about to watch The Constant before bed & worried I am going to have some weird dreams tonight.

[Bisque]

OMFG best episode of anything ever!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

2 hours ago, Bisque said:

OMFG best episode of anything ever!

Hello Bisque,

I rarely watch any television, but my wife does, and welcomes recommendations. It looks like the one that you have mentioned might just fit the bill, as far as she's concerned. I'm now going to make a note of the name of it. 

In connection with the above, is it cracking from the start ie. first episode? Just need to know which way to pitch it.

[kalifire]

6 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I can't recall seeing this thread before, although may have posted something on it before, but I get the feeling not. I don't know exactly why I chose to open this thread up now. It's highly likely that it was to be given the opportunity to write some inane shite, which seems to be my forte.

However, opening it up is to find out the news that you have spoken of. It goes without saying that I think you can reach out to anybody on here, should you need to. It's a who cares for the carers type thing. Nobody on here's going to forget what you did for that poor chap at Glastonbury who was having a melt down. You made the effort for him, and now we are all here for you.

Just wanted you to know that.

Anything but inane, Yoghurt. That means a lot to me.

My problem is I'm an emotional sensitive sod, so I keep finding myself thinking of memories, grieving the loss of a life companion, remembering the happy times, the exciting times we were growing together and building a future. I have to keep trying not to think about those things but they're where I'm drifting to in my head, and it's breaking my heart.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

8 minutes ago, kalifire said:

Anything but inane, Yoghurt. That means a lot to me.

My problem is I'm an emotional sensitive sod, so I keep finding myself thinking of memories, grieving the loss of a life companion, remembering the happy times, the exciting times we were growing together and building a future. I have to keep trying not to think about those things but they're where I'm drifting to in my head, and it's breaking my heart.

Hello kalifire,

I'm sure it'll seem that words proffered here to you are easy to say by us. However, those words have value because they're born of experience. So, I'm going to say it - if it truly is over, then you've got to stop thinking the way that you are. The longer you do that, the longer the misery will be, and the longer you take to get over this. 

Yet again, I know it's easy top say this, but the moment you realise that your now being given a new adventure, and appreciate that, then that's the road which will both cure you and make you.

All the best, my man.

[kalifire]

Thank you. I do recognise that. I feel like there needs to be a period of grief, though. Even just a short one.

[balti-pie]

There very much needs to be grief. But there’s a future on the other side of it mate, and you don’t know what it’ll involve.

There’ll be tears, there’ll be incredible times, there’ll be mindblowing amazing sex and love and all sorts in your future, and you’ll look back on this part of your life and be glad it’s made you who you are. You’ll get through it, it’ll suck for a while, and then you’ll be better tooled for the future. So hunker down for a while and do what you need to get through, because it will improve. I’m telling you now: it will get better. 
 

source material: me, for the last two years 
 

[kalifire]

8 hours ago, balti-pie said:

There very much needs to be grief. But there’s a future on the other side of it mate, and you don’t know what it’ll involve

source material: me, for the last two years 
 

Thank you. I mean that. It's day #2 now and if I micro-analysed it, I'd be able to find tiny ways in which I'm slightly better than last night. But it's still fucking horrible. Noticing the little ways she's less affectionate while we're still living together. Slightly more dismissive about our shared experiences over the last few years.

She dropped it on me last night, and I went out for a 15km walk to think when our conversation was over (in Ugg boots, of all things - I didn't start with the intention to walk that far). I've since had time to gather my thoughts and respond in a considered way, and I'm going to put that in writing and send it to her tomorrow, then we'll talk it through.

My hope is that she'll reframe our break up as a separation, with the prospect of re-introducing ourselves to each other after an undefined period of time. We'll see how that plays out. It could be a lifeline, or it could be Grief 2.0, but either way I'll have been totally open and real, and have no regrets.

Big. Fucking. Sigh.

Edited May 8, 2020 by kalifire

[Crazyfool01]

16 minutes ago, kalifire said:

Thank you. I mean that. It's day #2 now and if I micro-analysed it, I'd be able to find tiny ways in which I'm slightly better than last night. But it's still fucking horrible. Noticing the little ways she's less affectionate while we're still living together. Slightly more dismissive about our shared experiences over the last few years.

She dropped it on me last night, and I went out for a 15km walk to think when our conversation was over (in Ugg boots, of all things - I didn't start with the intention to walk that far). I've since had time to gather my thoughts and respond in a considered way, and I'm going to put that in writing and send it to her tomorrow, then we'll talk it through.

My hope is that she'll reframe our break up as a separation, with the prospect of re-introducing ourselves to each other after an undefined period of time. We'll see how that plays out. It could be a lifeline, or it could be Grief 2.0, but either way I'll have been totally open and real, and have no regrets.

Big. Fucking. Sigh.

Thats tough ... I can’t say I’m much of a relationship expert not had much joy in that respect over the years ... fuck knows why ... in fact I do but that’s down to shit at school that’s never really left me ... but what I have done is overcome challenges in life and this is one of those on an emotional level that you will battle through ... with ups and downs but a decent outcome at some point in the future ... you just need to determine how quickly you want that to come by taking decisions that you feel able to deal with at certain points ... and baby steps if that’s the necessary way of doing things ... massive leaps if that’s easier ... no rights or wrongs ... hope this isn’t just rambling ... you will get though it as we all overcome challenges ... 

[Bisque]

@kalifire I hate to say it but I have rekindled two previous relationships after a break up & it’s never quite been the same, obviously the love was still there but lots of things were brought up about our time separated, mostly on her part but I held it in & it drove me mad. Everyone is different though so I hope it works, writing how you feel down is a great step though!

@Yoghurt on a Stick unfortunately it is an episode of Lost, so if you are willing to sit through some absolute dross eg Stranger In A Strange Land, it is honestly one of the best episodes of TV. I’m not sure how it would go down as a one off standalone episode, you may have to get another opinion. In my honest opinion, don’t bother.

My favourite TV episodes come in at 128, 57, 47 & 66.

https://www.imdb.com/search/title/?title_type=tv_episode&num_votes=1000,&sort=user_rating,desc&start=101&ref_=adv_nxt

Attack On Titan, GoT, Better Call Saul, Mr. Robot & Breaking bad do well on that list.

[kalifire]

14 minutes ago, Bisque said:

@kalifire I hate to say it but I have rekindled two previous relationships after a break up & it’s never quite been the same, obviously the love was still there but lots of things were brought up about our time separated, mostly on her part but I held it in & it drove me mad. Everyone is different though so I hope it works, writing how you feel down is a great step though!

Basically, I'm giving it my best shot. She dropped the break up convo on me out of the blue, and I want to respond with some thoughts I've had time to consider. I get what you're saying, but I'd prefer to have tried and failed than be left wondering what if.

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, kalifire said:

Basically, I'm giving it my best shot. She dropped the break up convo on me out of the blue, and I want to respond with some thoughts I've had time to consider. I get what you're saying, but I'd prefer to have tried and failed than be left wondering what if.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

[timbrass]

Not sure how many on here have actually had CV19, but I got out of hospital a month ago (on oxygen but not ventilated).  My wife is a GP and she caught it from a patient.  I'm now back to 95%.  You certainly don't want it.  It's a weird disease.  The only positive is that I now (probably) have some immunity.

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, timbrass said:

Not sure how many on here have actually had CV19, but I got out of hospital a month ago (on oxygen but not ventilated).  My wife is a GP and she caught it from a patient.  I'm now back to 95%.  You certainly don't want it.  It's a weird disease.  The only positive is that I now (probably) have some immunity.

Shit. Glad you are out and are on the mend. Hows your wife doing?

[Bisque]

4 hours ago, kalifire said:

Basically, I'm giving it my best shot. She dropped the break up convo on me out of the blue, and I want to respond with some thoughts I've had time to consider. I get what you're saying, but I'd prefer to have tried and failed than be left wondering what if.

Totally understand. It was a few months between getting back together with both relationships including travelling, lads holidays & my mates finally getting me back so very different to your situation!

[timbrass]

11 hours ago, Ozanne said:

Shit. Glad you are out and are on the mend. Hows your wife doing?

She's back at work now (and daughter who is staying with us and also got it).  It attacks men harder than women.  

[guypjfreak]

On 5/8/2020 at 7:41 AM, kalifire said:

Anything but inane, Yoghurt. That means a lot to me.

My problem is I'm an emotional sensitive sod, so I keep finding myself thinking of memories, grieving the loss of a life companion, remembering the happy times, the exciting times we were growing together and building a future. I have to keep trying not to think about those things but they're where I'm drifting to in my head, and it's breaking my heart.

Sending you a some virtual old son hugs old son.. 

[Wellyboot]

I really hope you're doing as ok as can be @kalifire we're all in such a shitty situation right now so for you to be going through all this on top a breakup is tough!!

I don't have any advice for you so just gunna send lots of love your way!

[mattiloy]

On 5/7/2020 at 5:51 PM, kalifire said:

I arrived in Melbourne in February 2015. We met in August 2015 and didn't look back. That didn't give me much time to establish a social circle beyond her friends, although I have one or two.

Bummer. Sorry for your situation, hope you find some peace from what the maelstrom of different emotions that these things bring. I have no idea about the lass but its not easy to drop that bomb on someone, particularly in corona times, its a pretty awful thing to do for a laugh, so you gotta be pretty convinced that you wanna breakup in your head, without wishing to be mean, I think its probs grief 2.0. 

But a lot of us go through at least one stinker of a break up in life. I did a masters degree on the other side of the country mainly to follow my former partner who had gotten onto a course there, left every bit of safety net I had behind me - job, pals, family. Two months in and the bomb was detonated. It suuuuuucked. But four years later and it is just one of those funny forks in the road and for better or worse I wouldn't be where I am now. I moved overseas, i dated, made new pals, relived my wild youth a little, got a new lass and its all going good. Life.

In the meantime look after yourself, keep healthy, try not to tan the booze or the chemicals too much as tempting as that might be. Good luck! 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by mattiloy
Brian

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

19 hours ago, timbrass said:

She's back at work now (and daughter who is staying with us and also got it).  It attacks men harder than women.  

FFS, your wife has gone back in again!? There's fucking hardcore for you, right there. Enough respect. 

[timbrass]

5 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

FFS, your wife has gone back in again!? There's fucking hardcore for you, right there. Enough respect. 

They have changed the way Primary care is delivered.  Mostly done by phone now and the occasional home visit and consultation in the surgery car park.  Hopefully she has immunity so the risk is lower.

Edited May 10, 2020 by timbrass
Hit save too soon

[kalifire]

On 5/9/2020 at 2:53 AM, kalifire said:

My hope is that she'll reframe our break up as a separation, with the prospect of re-introducing ourselves to each other after an undefined period of time. We'll see how that plays out. It could be a lifeline, or it could be Grief 2.0, but either way I'll have been totally open and real, and have no regrets.

Hi everyone. I wanted to check back in here and let you know I'm still alive and surviving.

I did put the idea of a separation in writing to her, and we took a walk together and talked things through. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but it wasn't too awful either. Essentially, she said she's open to the possibility of a reconciliation in the future, if that's what the future brings. But she said that her decision isn't part of some process - it's an absolute end. She's not leaving me with a view to coming back, she's just open about what could happen.

I told her my position was slightly different - that I accepted this is an end, and although I'd have preferred a separation, I respect her decision. But that I am hopeful that we will reconcile, and that my next chapter will be to focus on my health and mental well being (for me), and the changes that will bring may unblock some of the issues that have caused our relationship to fail.

She still wants us to be in each other's lives, as friends. To make the occasional visit and do the occasional thing. She wants to cat-sit for my cat (we have two, she's taking the other) and she even wants to retain her Glastonbury ticket and join me for that next year. I'm hopeful that will give plenty of scope for her to see that I'm growing and moving on from where we've been stuck for so long, and that I might become more attractive to her again. I've mentioned that to her, although she says she doesn't want to 'jump ahead' and I'm careful not to undermine and disrespect her decision at this moment in time.

Well-being wise, I'm struggling quite a lot. I've walked over 58k steps in the last two days, mainly while talking to a two or three friends (all overseas) by exchanging audio messages. The mornings and the nights are the two hardest times. In the mornings I wake up and it hits me all over again. At night, I can't sleep. I had three hours last night and a half hour nap this afternoon.

I'm avoiding the harder stuff, but I'm going through at least a bottle of wine a night and trying not to give myself a hard time about it, just be conscious of it and reign it back when it isn't so helpful (it takes the edge off and helps numb some pain). Right now we're both still in the same house, courtesy of Melbourne's coronavirus lockdown, although an announcement about easing some restrictions is supposed to be being made tomorrow.

I've decided not to stay in this place after she's gone. I think the her-shaped holes and an entirely empty room where she used to chill, write and work would be constant reminders of us and would prolong the pain. She's in a position to move out quicker than I am (I need to save up money for it) so I'm going to be stuck here for a little while, but hopefully not longer than a couple of months.

Thanks for the messages of support, both publicly and privately. I know this might seem like a random Glastonbury forum to be sharing this stuff on, but there are some true gems here, and you're all being really lovely. As somebody with hardly anyone else around me in my life, that's very valuable.