How do you feel?

[Homer]

Am accidentally drinking neat Pimms out of a pint glass while listening to Mercury Rev on headphones. Does that mean I've completed lockdown?

[Homer]

6 hours ago, kalifire said:

Hi everyone. I wanted to check back in here and let you know I'm still alive and surviving.

I did put the idea of a separation in writing to her, and we took a walk together and talked things through. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but it wasn't too awful either. Essentially, she said she's open to the possibility of a reconciliation in the future, if that's what the future brings. But she said that her decision isn't part of some process - it's an absolute end. She's not leaving me with a view to coming back, she's just open about what could happen.

I told her my position was slightly different - that I accepted this is an end, and although I'd have preferred a separation, I respect her decision. But that I am hopeful that we will reconcile, and that my next chapter will be to focus on my health and mental well being (for me), and the changes that will bring may unblock some of the issues that have caused our relationship to fail.

She still wants us to be in each other's lives, as friends. To make the occasional visit and do the occasional thing. She wants to cat-sit for my cat (we have two, she's taking the other) and she even wants to retain her Glastonbury ticket and join me for that next year. I'm hopeful that will give plenty of scope for her to see that I'm growing and moving on from where we've been stuck for so long, and that I might become more attractive to her again. I've mentioned that to her, although she says she doesn't want to 'jump ahead' and I'm careful not to undermine and disrespect her decision at this moment in time.

Well-being wise, I'm struggling quite a lot. I've walked over 58k steps in the last two days, mainly while talking to a two or three friends (all overseas) by exchanging audio messages. The mornings and the nights are the two hardest times. In the mornings I wake up and it hits me all over again. At night, I can't sleep. I had three hours last night and a half hour nap this afternoon.

I'm avoiding the harder stuff, but I'm going through at least a bottle of wine a night and trying not to give myself a hard time about it, just be conscious of it and reign it back when it isn't so helpful (it takes the edge off and helps numb some pain). Right now we're both still in the same house, courtesy of Melbourne's coronavirus lockdown, although an announcement about easing some restrictions is supposed to be being made tomorrow.

I've decided not to stay in this place after she's gone. I think the her-shaped holes and an entirely empty room where she used to chill, write and work would be constant reminders of us and would prolong the pain. She's in a position to move out quicker than I am (I need to save up money for it) so I'm going to be stuck here for a little while, but hopefully not longer than a couple of months.

Thanks for the messages of support, both publicly and privately. I know this might seem like a random Glastonbury forum to be sharing this stuff on, but there are some true gems here, and you're all being really lovely. As somebody with hardly anyone else around me in my life, that's very valuable.

This will get better mate. It hurts now because it's supposed to. It's because you care. And it feels like if you forget then who will remember something so important? You need to drink, feel sorry for yourself and have a good cry. And get drunk and watch the film Swingers. Then, at some point, without really noticing it, you'll feel a bit better.. And, as Jon Favreau beautifully articulates in Swingers, you'll find yourself actually missing the pain.

[guypjfreak]

Really not good atm tbh.... Lockdown.. No lockdown just a semi lockdown.. Its crazy.. 

[northernringo]

Everything feeling a bit relentless now.

My dad, who was previously pretty healthy, got admitted to hospital on Saturday with a few worrying symptoms (although not of coronavirus). Still in hospital as they are doing a variety of tests on him, think he has an MRI this morning.

He's also been shielding himself after receiving a letter telling him he was at risk of coronavirus due to a lung condition so a little bit of worry added in to the mix in that he is now possibly exposed to it in a hospital environment.

[Crazyfool01]

16 minutes ago, northernringo said:

Everything feeling a bit relentless now.

My dad, who was previously pretty healthy, got admitted to hospital on Saturday with a few worrying symptoms (although not of coronavirus). Still in hospital as they are doing a variety of tests on him, think he has an MRI this morning.

He's also been shielding himself after receiving a letter telling him he was at risk of coronavirus due to a lung condition so a little bit of worry added in to the mix in that he is now possibly exposed to it in a hospital environment.

Best wishes NR despite the worries he’s in the best place ... get those tests done and get home as soon as it’s safe ... I had to visit the dr a few weeks back and the relief once I’d done it and was home was massive ... 

[gigpusher]

51 minutes ago, northernringo said:

Everything feeling a bit relentless now.

My dad, who was previously pretty healthy, got admitted to hospital on Saturday with a few worrying symptoms (although not of coronavirus). Still in hospital as they are doing a variety of tests on him, think he has an MRI this morning.

He's also been shielding himself after receiving a letter telling him he was at risk of coronavirus due to a lung condition so a little bit of worry added in to the mix in that he is now possibly exposed to it in a hospital environment.

Hope he's back home and better soon. It's a worrying time for anyone due to have any medical tests. 

[northernringo]

4 hours ago, northernringo said:

Everything feeling a bit relentless now.

My dad, who was previously pretty healthy, got admitted to hospital on Saturday with a few worrying symptoms (although not of coronavirus). Still in hospital as they are doing a variety of tests on him, think he has an MRI this morning.

He's also been shielding himself after receiving a letter telling him he was at risk of coronavirus due to a lung condition so a little bit of worry added in to the mix in that he is now possibly exposed to it in a hospital environment.

Confirmed that he had a small stroke - could have been much worse.

Lifetime of physio and medication ahead and possibly will have to lose his job (manual labour/driving) but we'll wait and see how his recovery goes.

[kalifire]

1 hour ago, northernringo said:

Confirmed that he had a small stroke - could have been much worse.

Lifetime of physio and medication ahead and possibly will have to lose his job (manual labour/driving) but we'll wait and see how his recovery goes.

Oh, mate. Although that's not as bad as it could have been, having something like that happen to your dad can shake you to the core. Remember he's lucky to have you and you can make a difference to his life.

[Crazyfool01]

1 hour ago, northernringo said:

Confirmed that he had a small stroke - could have been much worse.

Lifetime of physio and medication ahead and possibly will have to lose his job (manual labour/driving) but we'll wait and see how his recovery goes.

Any idea how long he’s likely to be in ? Or are they non comital ? 

[kalifire]

Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up.

Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else.

The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake.

The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.

[Deaf Nobby Burton]

12 minutes ago, kalifire said:

Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up.

Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else.

The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake.

The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.

As somebody who has gone through a marriage break up that ultimately wasn’t my choice at the time, then this is my contribution. Obvious one to start with and a cliche at that, but only time can make you feel better, so don’t worry about the feelings you’re experiencing at the moment. Despite what anybody suggests to you there is literally nothing that can be done to alleviate them, not one single thing, so don’t worry about trying. If you want to drink a bottle of wine a night that’s absolutely fine, if you’re still doing it in a few months that’s perhaps the time to worry. For me initially the pain was acute, almost unbearable, but surprisingly short lived. The way I’d try to best describe it, is it turned  my brain into a jumbled up rubics cube which I spent pretty much 24 hours a day trying to get back into the right order. It will take a certain amount of time to complete the puzzle and think everything through long enough to get everything back in the right place and feel normal again. One thing I’d say is that for me initially half the pain was not about losing the person but losing the shared life, the home you have together and all those sorts of things. One thing I eventually realised are these things are not important, nothing material that you share matters and is worth worrying about. Ultimately the whole experience made me into a far more relaxed laid back and happy person, it puts things into perspective and teaches you that in reality not a lot of things really matter in life or are worth worrying about. I actually became a much better person and enjoyed life a lot more. So much so that things turned full circle and she desperately wanted to get back together, but by then I’d sorted through everything in my head and realised that actually I wasn’t really happy with her and splitting up was the right thing to do. We’re on good terms now and talk regularly, but for me all the process did is eventually make me a happier better person. Obviously in the long run you may not end up feeling that way about her, but just give her space and don’t push in anyway to get back together now you’ve said your piece. Accept that it’s going to be shit and there isn’t anything you can do about it right now, and concentrate on yourself.

[northernringo]

1 hour ago, crazyfool1 said:

Any idea how long he’s likely to be in ? Or are they non comital ? 

He's hopeful he might get home on Wednesday depending on how he is between now and then which is encouraging!

They are probably trying to balance his recovery and coronavirus exposure as he was already 'at risk' so he will probably get home a bit sooner than would be normal.

[Homer]

2 hours ago, kalifire said:

Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up.

Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else.

The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake.

The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.

That's good news that you can get out. Be good to meet up with people, have a chat, a laugh and feel a bit sorry for yourself.

[Bisque]

Good news @kalifire. Doing something positive will make you feel better. I moved asap after my break up, I didn’t want the memories around. I didn’t tell her I was moving & was inundated with calls/messages about where I was for weeks after but I thought best to knock it on the head & move on.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

4 hours ago, kalifire said:

Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up.

Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else.

The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake.

The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.

Some very good advice and comments from Deaf Nobby Burton above. And the easing of restrictions can only help too. It's going to take time, and they'll be good days and not so good one's. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that's your new life ahead of you. I went out with a woman for 5 years once, and one day she just left me and ran off with another bloke out of the blue. It felt raw at the time, but I'm so very happy that she ran off in the end, as I then got to meet my soul mate. The person that I'd been searching for all my life. Just trying to say that that can happen to you too, and I hope that it does. 

[D-Low]

4 hours ago, kalifire said:

Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up.

Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else.

The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake.

The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.

It must be really hard to go through a breakup during this time when you're still having to live with each other and can't meet up with friends outside. You're being denied that much needed space to begin healing. But just reiterating what everyone else has already said, time really does heal and even though you can't see it now, you will move on.

As she has said there is no chance of you two getting back together in a conventional relationship sense, clinging on to the hope that it might happen, or planning to attend Glastonbury 2021 with them to me doesn't seem like a great idea to me (but I don't know your personal situation so excuse the ignorance), it is only going to prolong the healing process.

It's difficult but if it was me in the same boat, as soon as I would be able to move out, I would cut all contact. I went through a pretty hard breakup before. I couldn't eat, sleep or even really function as a human for a while. Running, music and time got me through. She wanted to remain friends but I couldn't face seeing her posts on Facebook etc so I had to cut all ties. It's hard to do but be firm with yourself. You'll still wonder what they are up to but not seeing them updates first hand really helped and soon them images and thoughts began to fade until eventually I didn't care at all. It was definitely for the best.

Hope the house inspection goes well and you begin to heal soon.

[balti-pie]

On 5/11/2020 at 5:10 PM, Deaf Nobby Burton said:

One thing I eventually realised are these things are not important, nothing material that you share matters and is worth worrying about.

I disagree with that. I lived with my ex-Missus for 11 years and when we split up we were dividing up the kitchen utensils, furniture etc I was absolutely chuffed to bits to secure the egg poachers.
Had to buy a new pizza wheel, but I got a majestic one and I’ll be completely honest now, every time I slice through pizza with absolute ease and grace I think of her struggling to cut with that manky old piece of crap she was left with and I smile broadly to myself 🤣🤣

Edited May 12, 2020 by balti-pie

[Bisque]

5 minutes ago, balti-pie said:

I disagree with that. I lived with my ex-Missus for 11 years and when we split up we were dividing up the kitchen utensils, furniture etc I was absolutely chuffed to bits to secure the egg poachers.
Had to buy a new pizza wheel, but I got a majestic one and I’ll be completely honest now, every time I slice through pizza with absolute ease and grace I think of her struggling to cut with that manky old piece of crap she was left with and I smile broadly to myself 🤣🤣

My ex got the cat that hated her but loved me. I hope it’s still shredding up her clothes. Little wins.

[Deaf Nobby Burton]

A previous ex to the one I referenced took the Dyson that was an xmas present from her parents. Back then a Dyson was the sort of thing I wouldn’t ever consider spending that sort of money on, yet at the same time it made hoovering an absolute dream. I never really got over it. 

[parsonjack]

6 minutes ago, Deaf Nobby Burton said:

A previous ex to the one I referenced took the Dyson that was an xmas present from her parents. Back then a Dyson was the sort of thing I wouldn’t ever consider spending that sort of money on, yet at the same time it made hoovering an absolute dream. I never really got over it. 

A good friend of mine very sadly had his wife end their marriage and abandon him unexpectedly a few years ago.  He took it very badly and one night called me in a terrible state and I went round to see him.  On arriving it was obvious he'd had a few drinks and a smoke, but in his outpouring of grief had taken the Hoover out and graffitied it in marker pen with multiple expletives such as 'F*ck you bitch'.

It was the greatest piece of art I've ever seen.

He's long since very happily partnered with someone else and has 2 fantastic kids.

I wish I'd kept the Hoover though.

 

[O'Doyle Rules]

On 5/10/2020 at 11:05 AM, kalifire said:

Hi everyone. I wanted to check back in here and let you know I'm still alive and surviving.

I did put the idea of a separation in writing to her, and we took a walk together and talked things through. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but it wasn't too awful either. Essentially, she said she's open to the possibility of a reconciliation in the future, if that's what the future brings. But she said that her decision isn't part of some process - it's an absolute end. She's not leaving me with a view to coming back, she's just open about what could happen.

I told her my position was slightly different - that I accepted this is an end, and although I'd have preferred a separation, I respect her decision. But that I am hopeful that we will reconcile, and that my next chapter will be to focus on my health and mental well being (for me), and the changes that will bring may unblock some of the issues that have caused our relationship to fail.

She still wants us to be in each other's lives, as friends. To make the occasional visit and do the occasional thing. She wants to cat-sit for my cat (we have two, she's taking the other) and she even wants to retain her Glastonbury ticket and join me for that next year. I'm hopeful that will give plenty of scope for her to see that I'm growing and moving on from where we've been stuck for so long, and that I might become more attractive to her again. I've mentioned that to her, although she says she doesn't want to 'jump ahead' and I'm careful not to undermine and disrespect her decision at this moment in time.

Well-being wise, I'm struggling quite a lot. I've walked over 58k steps in the last two days, mainly while talking to a two or three friends (all overseas) by exchanging audio messages. The mornings and the nights are the two hardest times. In the mornings I wake up and it hits me all over again. At night, I can't sleep. I had three hours last night and a half hour nap this afternoon.

I'm avoiding the harder stuff, but I'm going through at least a bottle of wine a night and trying not to give myself a hard time about it, just be conscious of it and reign it back when it isn't so helpful (it takes the edge off and helps numb some pain). Right now we're both still in the same house, courtesy of Melbourne's coronavirus lockdown, although an announcement about easing some restrictions is supposed to be being made tomorrow.

I've decided not to stay in this place after she's gone. I think the her-shaped holes and an entirely empty room where she used to chill, write and work would be constant reminders of us and would prolong the pain. She's in a position to move out quicker than I am (I need to save up money for it) so I'm going to be stuck here for a little while, but hopefully not longer than a couple of months.

Thanks for the messages of support, both publicly and privately. I know this might seem like a random Glastonbury forum to be sharing this stuff on, but there are some true gems here, and you're all being really lovely. As somebody with hardly anyone else around me in my life, that's very valuable.

My Mrs broke up with me by text a few weeks into lockdown - really struggled. She also reached out a few weeks later, spoke about wanting to meet up when life is a bit more normal (although she hadn't changed her mind at that point) but appears to have ghosted my last message. Take this time to enjoy just being in your own company. I have started counselling for grief (been a rough few years), lots of reading, a dabble into meditation. The best advice I have been given is that you are not in control of most things in your life but you are in control of you - use this time to work on yourself

Hope things improve for you!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

There's a lot of vacuum cleaner talk on here. In connection with that, has anybody got a Gtech AirRam, and is so, what are your thoughts on it? Well, it's performance really. I don't need to know any other thoughts that you might have on it, or towards it.

[mattiloy]

3 hours ago, O'Doyle Rules said:

My Mrs broke up with me by text a few weeks into lockdown - really struggled. She also reached out a few weeks later, spoke about wanting to meet up when life is a bit more normal (although she hadn't changed her mind at that point) but appears to have ghosted my last message. Take this time to enjoy just being in your own company. I have started counselling for grief (been a rough few years), lots of reading, a dabble into meditation. The best advice I have been given is that you are not in control of most things in your life but you are in control of you - use this time to work on yourself

Hope things improve for you!

Some sage advice there.

I remember reading a lot of books where the protagonist is cutting around some far flung place on some big cliche of a journey, on a hunt for meaning: siddhartha, the magus, a load of hemingway. Good texts that speak to your born again independence and the adventures that lie ahead, whilst providing reassurance against any sense of listlessness or lack of purpose.

[FestivalJamie]

Today was the worst day of lockdown for me so far.

I had a job in germany which i was originally contracted to go into April. Both the employer and I signed the contract. In late March, they then postponed the contract to 1st june due to the restrictions in Germany.

The business is reopening in Germany the end of this month, but I just received a phone call saying that they have to cancel my contract as they have to prioritise permanent workers over seasonal workers and can’t afford to have a full team working this year.

The icing on the cake; they told me to reapply for 2021.

I am now officially unemployed and because it was an international job I am not receiving the 80% furlough pay I would have if I was employed by a UK employer. (I am not receiving any pay from them and as it is a legally binding contract and they have cancelled it, perhaps I would be entitled to some form of compensation).

Feeling low

 

[Crazyfool01]

On 5/11/2020 at 6:06 PM, northernringo said:

He's hopeful he might get home on Wednesday depending on how he is between now and then which is encouraging!

They are probably trying to balance his recovery and coronavirus exposure as he was already 'at risk' so he will probably get home a bit sooner than would be normal.

any update ?