How do you feel?

[gigpusher]

13 minutes ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

This is true. Thank you. It's a lot of me having to swallow my feelings and keep quiet for an easy life, as it always has been, which is why I feel I need another outlet!

That sounds like me with my husband's family. He's so used to doing it I don't think he even realises how weird it is. Irish families tend to be the opposite. My brother and I can have a good old row and once it's done it done but my husbands family total opposite. I've become very good at biting my tongue but I really hate it. I'm always quite convinced that one day they'll have a blazing row that they won't be able to recover from because the decades of under the surface passive aggressive behaviours. 

[Zoo Music Girl]

1 minute ago, gigpusher said:

That sounds like me with my husband's family. He's so used to doing it I don't think he even realises how weird it is. Irish families tend to be the opposite. My brother and I can have a good old row and once it's done it done but my husbands family total opposite. I've become very good at biting my tongue but I really hate it. I'm always quite convinced that one day they'll have a blazing row that they won't be able to recover from because the decades of under the surface passive aggressive behaviours. 

Yeah sounds very similar. Buried resentment and passive aggressiveness is how my family have always done things. It's not how I act in any other area of my life so I find it all really difficult.

[gigpusher]

23 minutes ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Yeah sounds very similar. Buried resentment and passive aggressiveness is how my family have always done things. It's not how I act in any other area of my life so I find it all really difficult.

Hopefully you might find this useful then. 

 

[steviewevie]

Very, very hungover.

[Zoo Music Girl]

4 hours ago, gigpusher said:

Hopefully you might find this useful then. 

 

Ha yes. It's certainly not how I run things in the rest of my life but I have far better relationships with my friends than my family, which I am grateful for. There is a reason I left home at 18 and never went back! Just feeling frazzled as I've had to spend a lot of time there lately as you can imagine. Next weekend I'm not though, got my gig and some fun plans to escape for a bit.

[oneeye]

I left home just shy of 18, took charge of my life and got out. My mum is now long gone dead, my dad is still hanging on at 85. I see him out of human kindness only, even though he was a prick during my childhood. He knows what a w*nker he was, but will never admit it, let alone apologise.  I cannot remember ever having feelings for either my mum or dad, apart from hatred early on, but more undeserving pity nowadays. Families eh, as the saying goes you can't choose them. Genuine friendship is what counts in my life, the rest can fuck off.

[gigpusher]

8 minutes ago, oneeye said:

I left home just shy of 18, took charge of my life and got out. My mum is now long gone dead, my dad is still hanging on at 85. I see him out of human kindness only, even though he was a prick during my childhood. He knows what a w*nker he was, but will never admit it, let alone apologise.  I cannot remember ever having feelings for either my mum or dad, apart from hatred early on, but more undeserving pity nowadays. Families eh, as the saying goes you can't choose them. Genuine friendship is what counts in my life, the rest can fuck off.

Yep I was just gone 17 when I left and never moved back home again. I go home very infrequently. It's been 4.5 years since I last went over for a weekend for a cousin's wedding probably another 5 years before that so yes about twice a decade for very short breaks. 

[oneeye]

To counter balance, Mrs oneeye and me tell our daughter that we love her on a regular basis, and as for hugs, well.. always. I will be giving her away when she gets married in just under 3 weeks time, it'll be emotional im sure 😎

[Zoo Music Girl]

1 hour ago, oneeye said:

I left home just shy of 18, took charge of my life and got out. My mum is now long gone dead, my dad is still hanging on at 85. I see him out of human kindness only, even though he was a prick during my childhood. He knows what a w*nker he was, but will never admit it, let alone apologise.  I cannot remember ever having feelings for either my mum or dad, apart from hatred early on, but more undeserving pity nowadays. Families eh, as the saying goes you can't choose them. Genuine friendship is what counts in my life, the rest can fuck off.

I've seen you say similar things about your family before and to be honest it sounds a lot, lot worse than mine. Sorry for that. I just find mine difficult to get along with (we just don't gel as people) and I don't enjoy being there for more than a few hours. My mum was probably the easiest for me to get on with sadly and my sister by far the least. It would be nice to take some support and comfort from those relationships at a time like this, rather than it feeling like extra emotional work. But it is what it is. I have it a lot better than most probably.

Edited September 5, 2021 by Zoo Music Girl

[Zoo Music Girl]

3 minutes ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

I've seen you say similar things about your family before and to be honest it sounds a lot, lot worse than mine. Sorry for that. I just find mine difficult to get along with (we just don't gel as people) and I don't enjoy being there for more than a few hours. My mum was probably the easiest for me to get on with sadly and my sister by far the least. It would be nice to take some support and comfort from those relationships at a time like this, rather than it feeling like extra emotional work. But it is what it is. I have it a lot better than most probably.

Sorry I actually meant to quote @gigpusher but it actually applies to you equally @oneeye!

Edited September 5, 2021 by Zoo Music Girl

[gigpusher]

14 hours ago, oneeye said:

To counter balance, Mrs oneeye and me tell our daughter that we love her on a regular basis, and as for hugs, well.. always. I will be giving her away when she gets married in just under 3 weeks time, it'll be emotional im sure 😎

That's lovely. As I say always nice to break the cycle

13 hours ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

I've seen you say similar things about your family before and to be honest it sounds a lot, lot worse than mine. Sorry for that. I just find mine difficult to get along with (we just don't gel as people) and I don't enjoy being there for more than a few hours. My mum was probably the easiest for me to get on with sadly and my sister by far the least. It would be nice to take some support and comfort from those relationships at a time like this, rather than it feeling like extra emotional work. But it is what it is. I have it a lot better than most probably.

Yep my mother is more akin to a suburban female Donald Trump. A very destructive force but you know that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and all that. I have had no contact with her (apart from 2 family events where I kept my distance) for nearly 17 years now. I have minimal contact with my siblings in the hope that once she's gone we still have something to build on but even speaking to me is something that is done in secret. Whenever my niece who is now early 20's calls me she'll still say you won't tell anyone that I called you because she's scared of the consequences. My mother tends to manipulate them with money. She thinks nothing of withdrawing her money (and supposed love) the moment people don't tow the line. I'm not especially materialistic and learned pretty early on to just rely on me and so opted out of her power games decades ago. When I was a kid she used my younger sister as a weapon. If I didn't do exactly what she wanted she would leave and take my sister with her. She had already done this when I was 9 years old for about 2 and a half years so it wasn't an empty threat but once I left home she no longer had that and money never worked as well with me. 

I have friends with families they just don't have much in common with. It's sadly more common than people realise. We're led to believe that happy functioning families are the norm but really they are not. One of my friends used to work overtime whenever his sister came to stay with him in London. He didn't even especially dislike her. He just found they had nothing to talk about and whatever they did talk about was boring so it was easier to claim he was busy and just keep out of her way. Luckily nowadays we kind of make our own families and you can have great friends etc who fill the gap where family are expected to be. 

[Zoo Music Girl]

25 minutes ago, gigpusher said:

That's lovely. As I say always nice to break the cycle

Yep my mother is more akin to a suburban female Donald Trump. A very destructive force but you know that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and all that. I have had no contact with her (apart from 2 family events where I kept my distance) for nearly 17 years now. I have minimal contact with my siblings in the hope that once she's gone we still have something to build on but even speaking to me is something that is done in secret. Whenever my niece who is now early 20's calls me she'll still say you won't tell anyone that I called you because she's scared of the consequences. My mother tends to manipulate them with money. She thinks nothing of withdrawing her money (and supposed love) the moment people don't tow the line. I'm not especially materialistic and learned pretty early on to just rely on me and so opted out of her power games decades ago. When I was a kid she used my younger sister as a weapon. If I didn't do exactly what she wanted she would leave and take my sister with her. She had already done this when I was 9 years old for about 2 and a half years so it wasn't an empty threat but once I left home she no longer had that and money never worked as well with me. 

I have friends with families they just don't have much in common with. It's sadly more common than people realise. We're led to believe that happy functioning families are the norm but really they are not. One of my friends used to work overtime whenever his sister came to stay with him in London. He didn't even especially dislike her. He just found they had nothing to talk about and whatever they did talk about was boring so it was easier to claim he was busy and just keep out of her way. Luckily nowadays we kind of make our own families and you can have great friends etc who fill the gap where family are expected to be. 

Sorry to hear all this but it does sound like you have dealt with it all in the best way.

Making my own family out of my friends has been my way since I left home really. I still see my family but I don't rely on them for any kind of emotional support. I am jealous of people who have that (like my partner, for example, who gets on great with his mother and brother) but we can't all have everything.

Issue for me is my chosen family keep dying and getting ill too! Best friend went in 2018 and one of my other closest friends is battling stage 4 cancer right now. But trying every day to be as positive as I can about that.

[fred quimby]

On 9/5/2021 at 12:45 PM, gigpusher said:

Hopefully you might find this useful then. 

 

That is exactly what I said when I was told Good Looks and Intelligence runs in the family

[gigpusher]

1 hour ago, fred quimby said:

That is exactly what I said when I was told Good Looks and Intelligence runs in the family

😄 

[gigpusher]

7 hours ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

Sorry to hear all this but it does sound like you have dealt with it all in the best way.

Making my own family out of my friends has been my way since I left home really. I still see my family but I don't rely on them for any kind of emotional support. I am jealous of people who have that (like my partner, for example, who gets on great with his mother and brother) but we can't all have everything.

Issue for me is my chosen family keep dying and getting ill too! Best friend went in 2018 and one of my other closest friends is battling stage 4 cancer right now. But trying every day to be as positive as I can about that.

Sadly nothing can protect us from the pain of loss. We can develop some resilience but grief is the price we pay for love as they say. 

[John the Moth]

On 9/5/2021 at 11:45 PM, gigpusher said:

Hopefully you might find this useful then. 

 

Noses run in our family 😜

Edited September 6, 2021 by John the Moth
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside down.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

On 9/4/2021 at 12:57 PM, gigpusher said:

I have some experience of the contentious nature of wills. My mother sued us over my Dad's will and 12 years later when it got to court the judge laughed her out of court and told her to accept what we had all offered her the day we found out about the will. The only winners tend to be solicitors. From what you have said before your father was a not very nice person and unfortunately that type of person tends to try and control things from even beyond the grave. 

I am personally of the opinion that these things should be talked about when people are alive so they don't cause shocks and arguments when people are not but then a lot of people don't like to talk about these things. I'd say if you have any plans that would impact on your siblings tell them, explain why and hopefully they would actually want to help you. These things can end up having a detrimental effect on familial relationships and in my opinion it's just not worth it. 

We could end up in a similar contentious situation in the future as with my Dad's will he left everything to his children. Obviously my brother died this year so the question is should my niece now get his share. My niece lives with her mother and has had no contact with any of us for many years. Her mother wouldn't even let her say goodbye to my brother which frankly I thought was inhuman to both my brother and my niece who was only 14 years old at the time. Personally I would have no issue with my niece getting the money if everyone was in agreement and to be honest I'd give up my money if it kept family peace but when you have a group of people who have to make a decision these things can turn nasty. Money matters tend to bring out he worst in people. 

Wow, that's some tale you tell there. And I thought I'd got it bad. It's all very odd indeed, this sort of stuff. My case boils down to the fact that my dad insulted my wife, as well as my life. The question (that I have posed to them) is if they also intend to insult my wife. I have given them several days in total, but I did give them until midnight tomorrow to respond. I note that they haven't exactly come back to me at the earliest opportunity. Then I'll have to state a time / date asking them for confirmation via me giving them a time / date to reply by, so as I can then declare silence will be deemed as a 'yes' you do mean to insult my wife?

Then, one or two things can happen. 

It's either going to be constructive, or it's going to be destructive. 

The constructive option offers some hope, but the destructive option doesn't.

No brainer you'd think.

Not when your mind tells you that the initial silence is followed by further silence, in my case. 

Then I have a decision to make. My answer/response to the 'sudden' realisation of 'fact' could easily go either way, at that moment in time. If it's away from the direction that I would wish for, do I 'give in'? Do I do what I morally believe to be the right action to take under those circumstances? 

Internal debates are like mathematical 'sums' - I'll never understand them.

 

 

[gigpusher]

2 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Wow, that's some tale you tell there. And I thought I'd got it bad. It's all very odd indeed, this sort of stuff. My case boils down to the fact that my dad insulted my wife, as well as my life. The question (that I have posed to them) is if they also intend to insult my wife. I have given them several days in total, but I did give them until midnight tomorrow to respond. I note that they haven't exactly come back to me at the earliest opportunity. Then I'll have to state a time / date asking them for confirmation via me giving them a time / date to reply by, so as I can then declare silence will be deemed as a 'yes' you do mean to insult my wife?

Then, one or two things can happen. 

It's either going to be constructive, or it's going to be destructive. 

The constructive option offers some hope, but the destructive option doesn't.

No brainer you'd think.

Not when your mind tells you that the initial silence is followed by further silence, in my case. 

Then I have a decision to make. My answer/response to the 'sudden' realisation of 'fact' could easily go either way, at that moment in time. If it's away from the direction that I would wish for, do I 'give in'? Do I do what I morally believe to be the right action to take under those circumstances? 

Internal debates are like mathematical 'sums' - I'll never understand them.

 

 

Did your Dad do a similar thing to their partners or did he single your wife out? Without knowing how it is written it's tricky to give advice. I am generally an anything for an easy life kind of person. However I am also fiercely principled. Did your siblings have a similar relationship with your Dad to you as if they did you might want to try a more softly, softly approach. In that they will all recognise that what he did wasn't reasonable and that you want to ensure your wife is taken care of should the worst happen. 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

57 minutes ago, gigpusher said:

Did your Dad do a similar thing to their partners or did he single your wife out? Without knowing how it is written it's tricky to give advice. I am generally an anything for an easy life kind of person. However I am also fiercely principled. Did your siblings have a similar relationship with your Dad to you as if they did you might want to try a more softly, softly approach. In that they will all recognise that what he did wasn't reasonable and that you want to ensure your wife is taken care of should the worst happen. 

At the time the will was written two of my brothers were married. That has now dropped down to only one having a wife. I have pointed out to him why is his wife 'covered' and my wife isn't. As I indicated before, I have yet to wait for a response from all parties.

Three of my siblings will 'know' where I am coming from, having experienced a fair amount of brutality themselves - but so many, many years ago. Unfortunately / fortunately my battle with my dad never stopped. The other brother was kind of exempt from the wrath and free labour gig owing to his age. I did mention it to my older brother not so very long back. I heard from him (for the first time) that my dad had once had him up off the ground by his throat threatening to kill him. So, deep down, he knows for sure. Another brother has OCD which I would swear is down to the fear that my dad demanded / commanded.  

Anyway, got to think of something else right now, as I'm exhausted with it.

[MrZigster]

On 12/24/2020 at 8:45 PM, MrZigster said:

So. I've finally found some time to post in here.

Christmas was pretty much already cancelled for me, owing to how the shift rota fell this year. I get home from this shift at about 2:00am Christmas Day and I'm back on at 21:00pm same night. Will be sleeping most of the day.

I came home from work about a month ago to find my mother lying on the floor. She'd fallen and fractured her hip. Cue a stay in hospital where she's subsequently contracted Covid. She's now in a rehab hospital (for the hip) about 30 miles away from home and still awaiting a negative test.

Prior to this she hadn't been getting out of bed much since April, saying that it was "too hard" and that she "didn't want to carry on anymore". Took me months to actually get her GPs to get the local Mental Health and Care & Enablement teams involved. Said teams were of the opinion that she was perfectly capable of getting herself up, washed, dressed and fed but was just choosing not to. She/we had a couple of weeks "respite" which she spent in a care home, but she just came back and continued staying in bed. The Mental Health team were quoting various mental health acts at her a couple of days before she "fell", but now she's elsewhere, it's like they're not bothered and that it's now somebody else's problem.

She doesn't want to go into a home. I don't want her to go into a home. I think she needs proper mental health help. But the facts are such that this is probably what will be decided for us (she's not really playing ball when it comes to rehabing). Probably going to have to sell the house (which is in her name) to pay for all of this, despite the fact that it is also my home and has been for pretty much forever.

Plus the traffic chaos in my town means that I've been struggling to get to and from work the last couple of weeks. Never know if I'm going to be able reach home or not. Can't get near the house atm. Closest I could get this morning was about a mile away (and even then I was lucky to get a parking spot).

Said chaos also means that getting to where my mother is is also a risky journey. I know visits are banned but she still needs stuff dropping off now and then.

Said chaos also means the local supermarkets are running out of stuff as the delivery lorries can't get through. Lots of colleagues (and I'm sure the whole town) have had their Christmas dinner orders cancelled for this reason. Glad I did a big shop on Monday, but I'm going to run out of stuff by about Boxing Day/27th and then I'm back at work doing unsociable hours for three days again.

Simply.

Having.

A Fucking Shite Christmas Time.

But not as shite as for everyone stuck in a vehicle, stuck in the queue for Calais over Christmas I guess.

First world problems I know.

I'd been meaning to follow up the above all year. But didn't. Long story short since then is, we now have carers coming in three times a day (Get up. Lunch. Bedtime)

Pains me to say this (because it's the tories and I know a lot of people are cross about it for various other reasons also) but I think that the announcement today re social care costs may have alleviated my fears of losing (having to sell) the house somewhat. Though I'm not celebrating just yet. There's bound to be some loophole/clause that hasn't been mentioned. It's the tories ffs and I just don't trust them to do the right thing for average joes and joannas one bit.

To try to stay on thread a bit: All of the above stress could have been avoided if my mother was not such a stupid narcissistic paranoid kidult who was advised by numerous people what the future held if she didn't listen to sage advice.  

I've been pretty despondent for months from these thoughts weighing on my mind. I mentioned to my friend last weekend (who I hadn't seen for almost a year) that I feel like I'm just treading water. Week in week out it's the same routine. Work sleep work sleep work sleep days off but, shopping cleaning domestic bollocks, a little bit but not enough me time, never enough time to do anything properly it feels, rinse and repeat. Friend told me that I sounded like I was actually slowly sinking.

Plus these last two weeks have seen mine and my colleagues workload quadruple (at least) due to my employer and their advisor's lack of foresight regarding a certain scheme of theirs. "A great success", they loudly and proudly proclaim. Not from our point of view it ain't mate. Nor from the people who get unnecessarily delayed because of said lack of foresight.  Or the people in the queue behind them (have you guessed what it is yet?).

I needed to get all that out. Cathartic again. First world problems again.

Wine may have been consumed during the creation of this post. That's me time that is coming out of cleaning time tomorrow.

May see you in this thread again in another eight months.

 

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

19 minutes ago, MrZigster said:

I'd been meaning to follow up the above all year. But didn't. Long story short since then is, we now have carers coming in three times a day (Get up. Lunch. Bedtime)

Pains me to say this (because it's the tories and I know a lot of people are cross about it for various other reasons also) but I think that the announcement today re social care costs may have alleviated my fears of losing (having to sell) the house somewhat. Though I'm not celebrating just yet. There's bound to be some loophole/clause that hasn't been mentioned. It's the tories ffs and I just don't trust them to do the right thing for average joes and joannas one bit.

To try to stay on thread a bit: All of the above stress could have been avoided if my mother was not such a stupid narcissistic paranoid kidult who was advised by numerous people what the future held if she didn't listen to sage advice.  

I've been pretty despondent for months from these thoughts weighing on my mind. I mentioned to my friend last weekend (who I hadn't seen for almost a year) that I feel like I'm just treading water. Week in week out it's the same routine. Work sleep work sleep work sleep days off but, shopping cleaning domestic bollocks, a little bit but not enough me time, never enough time to do anything properly it feels, rinse and repeat. Friend told me that I sounded like I was actually slowly sinking.

Plus these last two weeks have seen mine and my colleagues workload quadruple (at least) due to my employer and their advisor's lack of foresight regarding a certain scheme of theirs. "A great success", they loudly and proudly proclaim. Not from our point of view it ain't mate. Nor from the people who get unnecessarily delayed because of said lack of foresight.  Or the people in the queue behind them (have you guessed what it is yet?).

I needed to get all that out. Cathartic again. First world problems again.

Wine may have been consumed during the creation of this post. That's me time that is coming out of cleaning time tomorrow.

May see you in this thread again in another eight months.

 

 

Currently far too bamboozled myself to be able to offer any advice. I can, and do wish you all the best though. I get the going around in circles type thing you mention. It's not a very pleasant position to find oneself in. I've got to confess that pressing the big red button is still very much an option for me. It'll certainly stop the circular motion. If you are wondering then the big red button is me going on the attack if my wife is insulted by my brothers too ie. following in my dad's path. Just how much shock and awe do I reign down on them, sort of thing? If I were to do it. Welcome to my circular argument. 

[gigpusher]

6 hours ago, MrZigster said:

I'd been meaning to follow up the above all year. But didn't. Long story short since then is, we now have carers coming in three times a day (Get up. Lunch. Bedtime)

Pains me to say this (because it's the tories and I know a lot of people are cross about it for various other reasons also) but I think that the announcement today re social care costs may have alleviated my fears of losing (having to sell) the house somewhat. Though I'm not celebrating just yet. There's bound to be some loophole/clause that hasn't been mentioned. It's the tories ffs and I just don't trust them to do the right thing for average joes and joannas one bit.

To try to stay on thread a bit: All of the above stress could have been avoided if my mother was not such a stupid narcissistic paranoid kidult who was advised by numerous people what the future held if she didn't listen to sage advice.  

I've been pretty despondent for months from these thoughts weighing on my mind. I mentioned to my friend last weekend (who I hadn't seen for almost a year) that I feel like I'm just treading water. Week in week out it's the same routine. Work sleep work sleep work sleep days off but, shopping cleaning domestic bollocks, a little bit but not enough me time, never enough time to do anything properly it feels, rinse and repeat. Friend told me that I sounded like I was actually slowly sinking.

Plus these last two weeks have seen mine and my colleagues workload quadruple (at least) due to my employer and their advisor's lack of foresight regarding a certain scheme of theirs. "A great success", they loudly and proudly proclaim. Not from our point of view it ain't mate. Nor from the people who get unnecessarily delayed because of said lack of foresight.  Or the people in the queue behind them (have you guessed what it is yet?).

I needed to get all that out. Cathartic again. First world problems again.

Wine may have been consumed during the creation of this post. That's me time that is coming out of cleaning time tomorrow.

May see you in this thread again in another eight months.

 

 

Sorry you've been having such a tough time but pleased the house fears are alleviated for now at least. Think quite a few of us understand the treading water feeling. As I said to a friend recently people seem to have either survived or thrived during the pandemic and I am definitely in the survived category. Unfortunately a lot of older people don't plan for the future. They probably don't want to accept that they need to. I suspect future generations will get better at it as we live the consequences of watching what happens when you don't. Hang in there. It won't last forever. 

[carlosj]

I want to add a post here to mourn the sudden passing of Jeffie this last Sunday, and pass the news on to other eFesters. He was in my ticket group, and was the one who got through in 2019 to get us tickets for 2020-22, I'll be raising a glass in the fields next June. He introduced me to a lot of the festival before I even got tickets for the first time.

@jeffie

[Quark]

17 minutes ago, carlosj said:

I want to add a post here to mourn the sudden passing of Jeffie this last Sunday, and pass the news on to other eFesters. He was in my ticket group, and was the one who got through in 2019 to get us tickets for 2020-22, I'll be raising a glass in the fields next June. He introduced me to a lot of the festival before I even got tickets for the first time.

@jeffie

Sad times. Was a pleasure meeting Jeff at the fest and having a natter.  Gutted that he didn't get the chance to make use of that last magic ticket. RIP pal x

[oneeye]

17 minutes ago, carlosj said:

I want to add a post here to mourn the sudden passing of Jeffie this last Sunday, and pass the news on to other eFesters. He was in my ticket group, and was the one who got through in 2019 to get us tickets for 2020-22, I'll be raising a glass in the fields next June. He introduced me to a lot of the festival before I even got tickets for the first time.

@jeffie

Condolences there @carlosj, never a good time when someone you know passes, especially when sudden. Jun 22, sat in a field, sun setting, will no doubt be emotional, many glasses tins will be raised I reckon