How do you feel?

[Zoo Music Girl]

2 hours ago, blutarsky said:

Feels a bit wrong/indulgent to just be popping into this thread for a bit of catharsis, and not checking in any other time, but here goes anyway. 

Struggling a bit at the moment for a few reasons. 

1 - tiredness, this underpins the others really. Baby Blutarsky, now a toddler really, still DOES NOT sleep. 2-3 hours at a time, 4 if we're lucky. Constantly shattered, which makes it harder to maintain perspective on other things. Often feel a bit irritable. It's even worse from Mrs Blutarsky as she is still breastfeeding so bears the brunt of it at night. I get a few hours in the spare room each night as I'm at work. 

2 - lack of quality time with Mrs B. Largely caused by Baby B not sleeping. We rarely get time together and really struggle for babysitters. The only viable options are my mum and MIL. Example: we have tickets for Caribou tomorrow but my mum has gone skiing, leaving MIL with Baby B for two days in the week, and she doesn't feel able to also have her overnight, which is absolutely fair enough. Result - I'm going to Caribou on my own and meeting a mate. We also have quite a bit going on individually through work and other commitments which takes up a lot of time we would be together. 

3 - finances - cost of living increases including having to feed and clothe another human, clearing a bit of debt, taking the hit of a year long maternity etc means we have very limited disposable income. This is absolutely a first world problem and I recognise that in many ways we're very privileged, but it doesn't change the fact we can't afford to do all the things we'd like to / have been accustomed to. Lifestyle change is hard. 

4 - health - I'm very lucky to have always been naturally fit and healthy and have played a high level of rugby without any significant injuries - last time I missed a game through injury was c2008 and I've played around 400 national league games since then. However, this year I have been struggling with a hip injury which means I can only perform at around 60%. I've still been playing as I can tolerate the pain and frankly (sounding arrogant alert) we don't have other players in my position who are better than me at 60%. It's very frustrating though, to suddenly find you can't do things you used to be able to do with ease. I am frantically rehabbing it but it's proving a very slow process. I was hoping a 4 week break at Christmas would help and thought it had, but re-injured myself in the first game back. 

5 - The G - I have known for a long time that the combination of much of the above and not having a ticket means Glastonbury was never happening for us this year anyway, but it doesn't stop me getting real pangs of regret and longing every time I read something exciting about it. 

At times each of the above makes me feel tearful. Looking at Baby B does as well, as I feel such love and pride for her as she's amazing. It feels so visceral as there's a stark contrast between the happiness I feel looking at her and the slight dissatisfaction I have in almost all other areas. 

I had a really good chat with Mrs B about this yesterday and she feels the same in many respects. 

tl;dr

• having a baby is hard work and you have to compromise on things. 
• compromise is hard. 
• all in all, I know I'm very lucky - thanks for the whinge. 

I don't think you need to feel bad about using this thread as catharsis. I think that's what it's for and I've used it myself that way sometimes.

I don't have kids (actually a lot of what you describe are reasons I've been too scared to take the plunge, despite the obvious good side you know all about) but I have a lot of friends who do now. They've all been through really tough times and come out the other side so I guess the main thing to keep in mind is "this too shall pass". The sleeping thing might feel like it will be that way forever but it really won't. I have friends who went through that exact same thing and were tearing their hair out but it's a distant memory now. I know that doesn't help you right now but hopefully worth bearing in mind.

One thing I can offer advice on: missing out on Glastonbury. It absolutely sucks but you will get there again. I was devastated to miss my first in 2016 and I've accepted I won't be there in 2022. But I'll be back. And so will you.

Would really recommend looking for a cheap alternative you can take the little one too. It's not the same but other festivals can also be awesome and a lot easier with kids than the big G. Going to Camp Kin last year (not even a proper festival) with my friends and their kids was the highlight of 2021 for me.

Hang in there dude x

[blutarsky]

1 hour ago, Tartan_Glasto said:

There are many times I've popped into this thread just to write a post about how I'm feeling and just putting it out into the ether does quite often make me feel a little better.  I hope it's maybe helped you a little too. 

Exactly this 

9 minutes ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

I don't think you need to feel bad about using this thread as catharsis. I think that's what it's for and I've used it myself that way sometimes.

I don't have kids (actually a lot of what you describe are reasons I've been too scared to take the plunge, despite the obvious good side you know all about) but I have a lot of friends who do now. They've all been through really tough times and come out the other side so I guess the main thing to keep in mind is "this too shall pass". The sleeping thing might feel like it will be that way forever but it really won't. I have friends who went through that exact same thing and were tearing their hair out but it's a distant memory now. I know that doesn't help you right now but hopefully worth bearing in mind.

One thing I can offer advice on: missing out on Glastonbury. It absolutely sucks but you will get there again. I was devastated to miss my first in 2016 and I've accepted I won't be there in 2022. But I'll be back. And so will you.

Would really recommend looking for a cheap alternative you can take the little one too. It's not the same but other festivals can also be awesome and a lot easier with kids than the big G. Going to Camp Kin last year (not even a proper festival) with my friends and their kids was the highlight of 2021 for me.

Hang in there dude x

I know it will pass, although staring down the barrel of trying for baby #2 soon is quite daunting!! 
We'll be back, and I do have an iron in the fire that could mean I still get to go for a flying visit. 

We're hoping, finances permitting, to get away this summer so that is the trade off for missing G. That's our alternative and I'm at peace with that. 

[Zoo Music Girl]

4 minutes ago, blutarsky said:

Exactly this 

I know it will pass, although staring down the barrel of trying for baby #2 soon is quite daunting!! 
We'll be back, and I do have an iron in the fire that could mean I still get to go for a flying visit. 

We're hoping, finances permitting, to get away this summer so that is the trade off for missing G. That's our alternative and I'm at peace with that. 

One thing I would add is that just because one baby behaves one way it doesn't mean the second will. I know you know that but I've seen it play out with all my friends! One in particular had a nightmare with getting the first to sleep and number two has been a dream. So fingers crossed.

[blutarsky]

17 hours ago, Zoo Music Girl said:

One thing I would add is that just because one baby behaves one way it doesn't mean the second will. I know you know that but I've seen it play out with all my friends! One in particular had a nightmare with getting the first to sleep and number two has been a dream. So fingers crossed.

If baby 2 is the same as baby 1 we’ll be very lucky - she’s amazing in every way apart from not sleeping. The thing is, how she is, is exactly how I was as a baby 😂 

can only blame my own genetics 😬 

[gigpusher]

1 hour ago, blutarsky said:

If baby 2 is the same as baby 1 we’ll be very lucky - she’s amazing in every way apart from not sleeping. The thing is, how she is, is exactly how I was as a baby 😂 

can only blame my own genetics 😬 

Bet your parents are pretty smug now. One day maybe you can be if your daughter is going through the same. I know some people are very resistant to it but a few friends and family members who had children who were poor sleepers swore by co-sleeping even if for their own sanity. One of my nieces was at school before she slept in her own bed but actually slept pretty well every night.  Any time they tried to move her out all hell would break loose. Eventually she decided that she wanted to sleep in her brothers room and then wanted her own room but all on her own terms. 

[steviewevie]

You think babies are hard work, wait till terrible 2's (and 3's, and 4's etc)....and as for the teenage years...

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Sorry to hear thinks are all over the shop @ blutarsky . My advice would be to share everything with each other - how you feel, how she feels. This can be ironed out. Yes, it's a little mind bending right now, but as long as you both have the direction of travel that you want to go on being the same as each others, then you are already on the home straight. Never hide from each other. Always get that blast of being together. Together with a young baby. You get to bring that baby up. You get to see it's life, and it yours etc etc. It's an amazing thing / privilege to be able to nurture a human all the way to when they fly the nest etc. Enjoy it. enjoy it together. 

As do 'How do I feel'? My head is alive with pain. I have taken everything that I have in my artillery to overcome the pain, to no avail. I do have some tablets of some mental painkiller but I think I puked last time that I had one of them. Either I don't agree with them, or they me. You'll understand that it's tough to want to try to establish the truth when it could make one ill. Anyway, I'm off to take one of my brothers mental pills. I need this pain gone. I believe those in the medical profession describe this type of pain as exquisite. Fucking isn't half exquisite! 

[DirtyLurker]

I'm popping in here to offer a couple of coping techniques that I've recently discovered, they seem to work for me (sometimes!) and if they can help others that's grand.

So I had a pretty rough time mid Dec, way too personal to share on an open forum, and things are starting to heal.

I started running during early stages of pandemic, did C25K, and have carried it on, I don't go far 8k at the most trying to hit 10k I'll get there one day and I'm far from fast but the being outside with music blasting helps push all anxieties, stresses & strains to the back of the mind for while.

Also yoga - I was very much a yoga pahahaha mindset for many years but bloody hell it works.  I stick on a YouTube video, personal choice is Adriene, she has hundreds for various levels/times/specific gains etc the centering & balancing of the breathing has helped me a lot.

I know people don't have masses of spare time but even a 10min yoga session a few times a week can help.

Talking, and if you can't talk about stuff write it down.  Write on an open forum like this, write a msg to a friend, write an email to yourself then delete if you can't bare to reread it.

We all have very different paths with very different difficulties, send well wishes to you all❤

[MrZigster]

On 12/24/2020 at 8:45 PM, MrZigster said:

So. I've finally found some time to post in here.

Christmas was pretty much already cancelled for me, owing to how the shift rota fell this year. I get home from this shift at about 2:00am Christmas Day and I'm back on at 21:00pm same night. Will be sleeping most of the day.

I came home from work about a month ago to find my mother lying on the floor. She'd fallen and fractured her hip. Cue a stay in hospital where she's subsequently contracted Covid. She's now in a rehab hospital (for the hip) about 30 miles away from home and still awaiting a negative test.

Prior to this she hadn't been getting out of bed much since April, saying that it was "too hard" and that she "didn't want to carry on anymore". Took me months to actually get her GPs to get the local Mental Health and Care & Enablement teams involved. Said teams were of the opinion that she was perfectly capable of getting herself up, washed, dressed and fed but was just choosing not to. She/we had a couple of weeks "respite" which she spent in a care home, but she just came back and continued staying in bed. The Mental Health team were quoting various mental health acts at her a couple of days before she "fell", but now she's elsewhere, it's like they're not bothered and that it's now somebody else's problem.

She doesn't want to go into a home. I don't want her to go into a home. I think she needs proper mental health help. But the facts are such that this is probably what will be decided for us (she's not really playing ball when it comes to rehabing). Probably going to have to sell the house (which is in her name) to pay for all of this, despite the fact that it is also my home and has been for pretty much forever.

Plus the traffic chaos in my town means that I've been struggling to get to and from work the last couple of weeks. Never know if I'm going to be able reach home or not. Can't get near the house atm. Closest I could get this morning was about a mile away (and even then I was lucky to get a parking spot).

Said chaos also means that getting to where my mother is is also a risky journey. I know visits are banned but she still needs stuff dropping off now and then.

Said chaos also means the local supermarkets are running out of stuff as the delivery lorries can't get through. Lots of colleagues (and I'm sure the whole town) have had their Christmas dinner orders cancelled for this reason. Glad I did a big shop on Monday, but I'm going to run out of stuff by about Boxing Day/27th and then I'm back at work doing unsociable hours for three days again.

Simply.

Having.

A f**king Shite Christmas Time.

But not as shite as for everyone stuck in a vehicle, stuck in the queue for Calais over Christmas I guess.

First world problems I know.

Three years since I posted this.

Pretty much an identical Christmas this year. Along with the traffic chaos.

Nothing much at all has changed in the three years. Me and Mum have continued coping at home with the help of carers three times a day, I have lost count of the number of hospital stays after falls and other issues where each time I've convinced myself that it's unfortunately time for her to go into a home.

And here we are again.

Does anyone have experience of getting NHS Continuing Healthcare for anyone? I feel the only way to get it is to be dirt poor or rich enough to fight local authorities through the courts (there's a whole industry out there dedicated to doing this. Hmm). I really feel I do not have the strength to fight these people right now.

Sorry for the rant. Not very festivally I know.

[Skip997]

1 hour ago, MrZigster said:

Does anyone have experience of getting NHS Continuing Healthcare for anyone? I feel the only way to get it is to be dirt poor or rich enough to fight local authorities through the courts (there's a whole industry out there dedicated to doing this. Hmm). I really feel I do not have the strength to fight these people right now.

Sorry for the rant. Not very festivally I know.

@MrZigster

As far as I understand NHS continuing healthcare is not dependent on your finances, but on just how much care is required.

If you google it there's an assessment procedure, whereby a relevant heathcare proffesional will make the call based on various criteria.

Someone I know has relatively recently managed to get it for his mother, and his mother and him are far from poor.

Edited January 7 by Skip997

[MrZigster]

13 hours ago, Skip997 said:

@MrZigster

As far as I understand NHS continuing healthcare is not dependent on your finances, but on just how much care is required.

If you google it there's an assessment procedure, whereby a relevant heathcare proffesional will make the call based on various criteria.

Someone I know has relatively recently managed to get it for his mother, and his mother and him are far from poor.

Yeah. "It's about what you're entitled to. Not what you can afford". I've been right down the rabbit hole with this one.

Ultimately leads to this:

https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/the-nhs-continuing-healthcare-scandal/

They just bank on you giving up I reckon.

So is that it now? Does that mean nobody can appeal against decisions any more?

I don't have time or tbh the mental fortitude to write 100 letters, and/or the funds to employ any of the various law firms that have sprung up to take advantage of this.

Just got off of the phone with my GP. Claims to have never have heard of NHS CHC. Despite the .gov website saying they should. "Not my department guv". Started ranting about politicians for some reason. I've had Social Services just dismiss the idea immediately.

Care costs in this country are like an inheritance tax before anyone has actually died. But rather than the money going to the state it ends up in the profits of private care companies that are often ultimately owned by Canadian teachers pension hedge funds and the like (or so I've heard. Sure I saw a Panorama or something on it). Them and the                   aforementioned law firms.

[Skip997]

5 minutes ago, MrZigster said:

Yeah. "It's about what you're entitled to. Not what you can afford". I've been right down the rabbit hole with this one.

Ultimately leads to this:

https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/the-nhs-continuing-healthcare-scandal/

They just bank on you giving up I reckon.

So is that it now? Does that mean nobody can appeal against decisions any more?

It's tricky and hard work.

It's possible to argue your case when it comes to assessment. With loads of research and a full understanding of the patients care needs it can be done.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

On 1/8/2024 at 10:59 AM, MrZigster said:

Yeah. "It's about what you're entitled to. Not what you can afford". I've been right down the rabbit hole with this one.

Ultimately leads to this:

https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/the-nhs-continuing-healthcare-scandal/

They just bank on you giving up I reckon.

So is that it now? Does that mean nobody can appeal against decisions any more?

I don't have time or tbh the mental fortitude to write 100 letters, and/or the funds to employ any of the various law firms that have sprung up to take advantage of this.

Just got off of the phone with my GP. Claims to have never have heard of NHS CHC. Despite the .gov website saying they should. "Not my department guv". Started ranting about politicians for some reason. I've had Social Services just dismiss the idea immediately.

Care costs in this country are like an inheritance tax before anyone has actually died. But rather than the money going to the state it ends up in the profits of private care companies that are often ultimately owned by Canadian teachers pension hedge funds and the like (or so I've heard. Sure I saw a Panorama or something on it). Them and the                   aforementioned law firms.

You could try Citizens Advice, or (if you have the strength) look at these fact sheets from Age UK;

• AgeUK01: Staying safe (PDF, 5 MB)
• AgeUKIG06: Care homes (PDF, 3 MB)
• AgeUKIL5: Care home checklist (PDF, 321 KB)
• AgeUKIG08: Housing options (PDF, 2 MB)
• AgeUKIG60: Social housing (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG61: Private renters (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG62: Homelessness (PDF, 722 KB)
• AgeUKIG63: Homeowners (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG13: Advice for carers (PDF, 3 MB)
• AgeUKIG17: Adapting your home (PDF, 4 MB)
• AgeUKIG23: Getting help at home (PDF, 3 MB)

 

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I feel a little like this, right now;

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

[MrZigster]

On 1/8/2024 at 11:07 AM, Skip997 said:

It's tricky and hard work.

It's possible to argue your case when it comes to assessment. With loads of research and a full understanding of the patients care needs it can be done.

 

On 1/9/2024 at 9:36 PM, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

You could try Citizens Advice, or (if you have the strength) look at these fact sheets from Age UK;

• AgeUK01: Staying safe (PDF, 5 MB)
• AgeUKIG06: Care homes (PDF, 3 MB)
• AgeUKIL5: Care home checklist (PDF, 321 KB)
• AgeUKIG08: Housing options (PDF, 2 MB)
• AgeUKIG60: Social housing (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG61: Private renters (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG62: Homelessness (PDF, 722 KB)
• AgeUKIG63: Homeowners (PDF, 1 MB)
• AgeUKIG13: Advice for carers (PDF, 3 MB)
• AgeUKIG17: Adapting your home (PDF, 4 MB)
• AgeUKIG23: Getting help at home (PDF, 3 MB)

 

 

Thanks both of you.

I'm relieved to say that the right noises are being made regarding NHS CHC. I could've hugged the Dr when they told me they were going to recommend it.

Then they told me the funding's under NHS End of Life Pathway. They think, "she's just given up".

Double whammy of relief and grief in one.

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 hour ago, MrZigster said:

 

Thanks both of you.

I'm relieved to say that the right noises are being made regarding NHS CHC. I could've hugged the Dr when they told me they were going to recommend it.

Then they told me the funding's under NHS End of Life Pathway. They think, "she's just given up".

Double whammy of relief and grief in one.

 

That's good that they'll fund the care aspect.

As to the other aspect, it's a tough one. I'm going through it myself. My mom has dementia and is getting very frail. There's only one way its going now. I don't know how it'll hit me when she goes.

[MrZigster]

On 2/3/2024 at 3:05 PM, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

That's good that they'll fund the care aspect.

As to the other aspect, it's a tough one. I'm going through it myself. My mom has dementia and is getting very frail. There's only one way its going now. I don't know how it'll hit me when she goes.

Oh it's far from a done deal. They have merely, "put an application in". Still layers of bureaucracy to get through I fear.

[Skip997]

2 minutes ago, MrZigster said:

Oh it's far from a done deal. They have merely, "put an application in". Still layers of bureaucracy to get through I fear.

Try and make sure you're well read up on it.

Good chance you'll have to argue your case (based on the experience of a friend)

[MrZigster]

1 minute ago, Skip997 said:

Try and make sure you're well read up on it.

Good chance you'll have to argue your case (based on the experience of a friend)

Agree based on my own dive down that particular rabbit hole. It's a national disgrace imo.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 hour ago, MrZigster said:

Oh it's far from a done deal. They have merely, "put an application in". Still layers of bureaucracy to get through I fear.

I'll echo what @Skip997said about reading up on it. The devil is in the detail. Obviously you need to tick as many boxes as is possible. The overall trick is to back them into a corner, and then show them the way out. If they reject the claim then ask them why, and also put in an appeal after - hopefully detailing why their previous conclusions were inaccurate. It's like everything, in that you have to fight like a bastard.*

* I once acted as an advocate for a young lad who sufferers from severe mental health issues in his appeal against PIP and Advanced PIP (two separate tribunal hearings). He was awarded both benefits on appeal. While researching the whole area I discovered that 75% of all appeals are successful. Do you know another branch of Government which is allowed to fail that much in their original conclusions? I don't. And what about those who don't appeal because they have noone to support them? Makes my blood boil.

[MrZigster]

2 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I'll echo what @Skip997said about reading up on it. The devil is in the detail. Obviously you need to tick as many boxes as is possible. The overall trick is to back them into a corner, and then show them the way out. If they reject the claim then ask them why, and also put in an appeal after - hopefully detailing why their previous conclusions were inaccurate. It's like everything, in that you have to fight like a bastard.*

* I once acted as an advocate for a young lad who sufferers from severe mental health issues in his appeal against PIP and Advanced PIP (two separate tribunal hearings). He was awarded both benefits on appeal. While researching the whole area I discovered that 75% of all appeals are successful. Do you know another branch of Government which is allowed to fail that much in their original conclusions? I don't. And what about those who don't appeal because they have noone to support them? Makes my blood boil.

Yeah I'm livid about the whole thing. Furious that the Judicial Revue into this was refused. Not surprising as it would expose a bigger financial fraud than the PPI mis-selling scandal.

https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/the-nhs-continuing-healthcare-scandal/

Anyways just had a call that funding has been approved. Only for three months mind. Then they'll review it again.

Edited February 5 by MrZigster

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

22 minutes ago, MrZigster said:

Yeah I'm livid about the whole thing. Furious that the Judicial Revue into this was refused. Not surprising as it would expose a bigger financial fraud than the PPI mis-selling scandal.

https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/the-nhs-continuing-healthcare-scandal/

Anyways just had a call that funding has been approved. Only for three months mind. Then they'll review it again.

Excellent news, on the last bit. You have got your foot in the door, so to speak. There may be online details of how you get to get your other foot through the door. Worth checking. I found out a shed load of information on how to help that young lad out with the PIP claims. The man is as mad as a box of frogs, and would be a complete nightmare in terms of other people's H & S - therefore not employable etc. Anyway, if you get into the right mind frame, looking into this stuff can be interesting. However, yes there is the downside that the 'system' will attempt to crush you in the process.  

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Don't let it.

[MrZigster]

18 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Don't let it.

I think I'm correct in saying this is NHS End of Life Funding she is getting. Which I suspect may be a completely different kettle of fish to NHS Continuing Healthcare funding. Can see in three months time wherever she ends up going, "oh. she's not dying, our bad, now sell the house to pay for this".

I'm personally not convinced she is actually on her way out. I've seen her play possum like this too often during the last four years. Mentioned this to The Doc but they were insistent that they've, "...seen this lots of times before". Maybe I should thrust their judgement and am in denial a bit?